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In August 2022 I had a gut feeling that my husband was involved with a woman that he knows through a mutual hobby. We were all at an event and I looked up to see them with their heads together, smiling, chatting and generally looking very ‘together’. I confronted my husband who basically told me I was imagining it and that they were just friends. During the months after this I started to notice that she constantly tagged him in her social media posts (all related to their hobby). Again I confronted him and he again said it was just a friendship, however I noticed that the tagging stopped and the previous posts had their tags removed. I asked him to remove her from his social media (Facebook), he flatly refused and said that I couldn’t tell him who he could and couldn’t be friends with. Over the following months all seemed quiet although our relationship wasn’t great, I asked him to attend couples counselling with me but he refused. He seemed preoccupied and withdrawn from me and also very protective of his phone. In early 2023 I saw her name come up on my husband’s phone so I immediately knew that they were in contact, despite him telling me on numerous occasions that he was having no interaction with her.

The following day when he had gone to work I fired up his iPad (it was a gift from me and I had set it up for him so I knew the passcode). I looked at his Facebook messenger and there were quite a lot of messages between them, but only in the last 24 hours. About an hour after my husband had left for work they started to message each other, this went on for most of the day. I sat on our bed stunned as I watched their messages in real time. Just before my husband finished work all the messages disappeared. He was obviously deleting everything on a daily basis. The messages were mainly nonsense, not sexual but it was obvious that they knew a lot about each others daily routine. I monitored his messages daily for the best part of 2 weeks and it was the same each day. One day I counted almost 200 messages in the space of about 8 hours. In the messages they talked about their health (both have back problems). They talked about mutual friends from their hobby. They discussed meeting up to go to a quiz and also about him buying a vehicle (which I knew nothing about). He was very caring towards her, something that he hasn’t been with me for a few years. During this monitoring period I had a hospital appointment and he didn’t actually even ask me what it was for or how it went and yet he was advising her about a scan she was having, telling her she’d be fine, not to panic and that he was thinking about her. The following day I confronted him, he was angry and said that she was just a friend and it was only banter!

I told him that I didn’t trust him and I wanted a divorce, he said he was sorry and that he realised how it looked but it really was only a friendship. I again asked him to remove her from his Facebook and he refused saying that by removing her he’d be admitting to wrongdoing and as they were only friends he hadn’t done anything wrong. We had long and painful conversations, I spent hours crying and ranting, he kept reassuring me that he didn’t realise how hurt I’d be about their friendship and promised that they’d have no further contact. He still refused relationship counselling as in his eyes he’d done nothing wrong. I spent months going to see a therapist alone and our relationship seemed to be back on track. I regularly checked his messages and couldn’t find anything. In July 2024 I attended one of the meetings that they go to for their hobby and my spidey senses immediately told me that they were having more contact than he had admitted to. I watched them and sure enough I eventually spotted them with their heads together looking cosy. Over the next few weeks I asked him on numerous occasions whether they were back in contact, which he denied.

Very sadly in early August my sister died suddenly, this was a massive shock and my husband was quite unsupportive. I read a message on his phone where he’d told a mutual friend who had enquired how I was that I was ‘fine’. We had both been due to attend a 4 day event in mid August but due to my sister dying I decided not to attend as my nieces needed my support. We had a row just before he left and he basically blanked me for the whole 4 days he was away, he then messaged me at midnight on the 4th night to say he was staying an extra night. During the time that he was away I remembered that he had got a new phone at the end of July, I got the old phone out of the drawer and bingo, he hadn’t wiped it and I found enough conclusive evidence of their continued contact. They’d stopped corresponding via messenger and had moved to another platform. When he returned I confronted him and he was very dismissive, he said yes he’d lied about their contact because he knew I wouldn’t like it but in his eyes they hadn’t had any sexual contact so he wasn’t doing anything wrong. The depth of his betrayal absolutely destroyed me and I immediately started divorce proceedings. At that point I think he realised that things were serious and offered to attend couples counselling with me. 9 weeks into counselling I discovered that despite all his promises he had made himself an Instagram account and in his search history the only person he’d searched for was her. He said he was just being nosey and had no intention of making contact with her. When I confronted him I also contacted her husband and told him everything I knew, he was totally shocked and called me back a few days later to say that he’d interrogated their mobile phone bills and she and my husband had exchanged almost 6000 messages in the last 3 months.

Our divorce comes through at the end of January but he’s still asking me for another chance, I don’t want to be alone at almost 60, we’ve been together for nearly 30 years and until a couple of years ago I would have said he was the most honest and trustworthy person I’d ever met, now I feel that I don’t know him and that my life has been one big lie. I think his reason for wanting to make our marriage work is most likely about finances, he absolutely doesn’t want to sell our house as he built it but he also can’t possibly afford to buy me out so I feel it’s not really me that he wants, he just doesn’t want to divide our assets. I can’t move on until we resolve the finances and I’m not even sure what I want. I’m a shell of my former self, I have no concentration, I’ve lost weight, I look like I’ve aged 10 years. I’m shocked, I’m angry, I’m traumatised and I’m sitting alone in a cottage that I’ve rented for the New year with my dog just to try and get some peace. I’m sorry it’s such a long post but it has helped me to write it all down. I have left so much out, I could actually write a book, the things I’ve explained are the tip of the iceberg

This is tragic Libby...I am so sorry. What he did was so wrong. All that attention should have been yours rightfully. He was fooling himself.

He does not see it was just a fantasy....a lie. How easy it would be to feel "close" to someone who you just talk to with "new relationship energy"....but with whom you have no real responsibility or none of the uncomfortable things of life.

I know this, once reality sets in for your husband, his regret will be unbearable. May God comfort and give you wisdom.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 2:12 AM, Wednesday, January 1st]

Libby I am so sorry and I know the frustration and utter heartbreak you are going through. My WH contacted someone he had an affair with behind my back 44 years ago. He tried to hide it, then claimed it was nothing more than a "friendship". And refused to stop contacting her via texts for the next 2 1/2 months. I nearly had a complete breakdown to which he turned a blind eye. He had no remorse, no concern or respect for me whatsoever. His phone was his constant companion (even in the bathroom) 24/7. All messages deleted daily (over 3000) until one day it stopped. I am not delusional, they are probably on a messaging app and he locks the phone in the garage now. In hindsight I should have thrown him out the first day but I was gaslit and conned from day one. Her son died in the midst of this and so did my mother. She got hundreds of consoling texts, messages on his condolence pages and a memorial grove of trees. I got "sorry your mom died" and he walked out of the room.

I stay for reasons I won’t go into now and also because I’m nearly 71. Coincidentally New Years Day is dday, 2 years tomorrow. Is it the excitement, the newness, the thrill of the deceit-whatever it’s all a fantasy until they finally realize what they are doing. And our pain and suffering matters nothing to them.

All I have to offer is my sincere regret you are in this position. Like you, my dog and I are listening to the fireworks tonight.

I am so very sorry you need to be here. I can relate on so many levels. My FWH had his A over 14 years ago. His former AP has since died, but I hate to say I will never 100% trust again. I am 61 years old. I can relate where you are with your age. My advise at this time is to continue with the D. If he is REALLY remorseful (not regretful) he will try to work to restore your marriage. If it is only regret as he wants to keep his house, not much will change. He deliberately continued his affair even after you tried to reach out for years. He knowingly kept you in the dark, knowingly pushed you out and was not there for you. Take care of yourself. Later after D if you want to reconsider, you can, but right now, you have the advantage. Keep it. In the meantime, lots of advise here. Use what feels right and note the other and move one.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. Please read the pinned posts at the top of the forum and those with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, too.

If your WH (wayward husband) wants to do everything, he should start with How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Next is Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

Your WH needs IC (individual counseling) to work on becoming a safe partner. If you can, IF with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful.

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) didn't do the work to become safe.

I don’t want to be alone at almost 60, we’ve been together for nearly 30 years

But you are already alone even with him around aren’t you? His heart is elsewhere. It’s not with you.

My wife and I have a saying "there is no one we wouldn’t drop from our lives if they made the other one uncomfortable". Sometimes that’s easier than others (family, work) but we’d do it. Someone thru a hobby is not hard to drop. And if he wants to save his marriage he’d find a new hobby.

We say here "you have to be willing to lose the marriage for a chance to save it." I think the only way you find happiness is to move on without him. If he follows then that means he cares for you more than this woman or anyone else.

If he doesn’t, then you know he cares for Her more.

Spending a 4 day weekend with her and not be in touch with you at all tells me his heart is with her. She’s the one he turns to for affection at all levels.

Work with a good trauma therapist and a lawyer and take back your life. I don’t think life with him always pining for her is as happy as you could be without him.

I’m not saying you’ll definitely find a new partner, I’m the same age as you, but it’s not out of the question. I know several new couples that started in their 50s and 60s and one in their 70s.

Keep posting. Working things out here is a great help to plan what you’re gonna do going forward.

I’m sorry for you and I was in your shoes for both of my H’s affairs. He had the same attitude during his first 4 year EA. "I couldn’t tell him who he could be friends with" (his exact words) and "there’s no sex so it’s not an affair". I heard the same excuses you did.

This was in the 90s before the term emotional affair was understood.

You have to recognize these affairs are like an addiction. The cheaters need the ego boost and flattery and become brazen and selfish to get what they want.

I can tell you that you have very little hope of getting your cheating spouse to become monogamous. He has no remorse and no shame. After my H’s first 4 year EA finally ended, there were no consequences and it was completely swept under the rug.

That made it easier for him to start his second affair which was far worse.

Don’t be me. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t allow him to control things that are in his best interest.

No Shame + No Remorse = continued cheating

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:59 AM, Monday, January 6th]

I'm so sorry you are facing this Libby. I would love to say I can't imagine how you feel, but unfortunately I do. There is nothing worst than facing the brutal truth that you've been summarily dismissed. It's why they can lie so easily. You don't matter anymore in their mind.

But you do matter. Repeat that to yourself every single day. And you are wise to recognize that his biggest concern is about finances. You can't change what he does, but you can protect yourself from it. Him "wanting to make this marriage work" right now means he's buying time to figure out how to come out ahead financially. Don't let him manipulate you buy tugging your heart strings.

I would advise that you keep track all of your assets very carefully. Make sure that while he's trying to buy time, he isn't moving money to his benefit.