SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out a few days ago that my husband had been texting his AP. It had been six months since he ended the affair and he said this was just a mistake. He’s now working harder to fix us and himself: joined a men’s support group, went back to his old therapist, gave me full access to his devices. But I’m so hurt. I thought we were past him doing dumb shit. Is this just a blip in our recovery or a sign that he’ll never change?

I think you need to see this for what it is: another D-day. I’m sorry.

So he's either back in the affair, or went underground with it and got caught again.
What action(s) are you taking to get yourself out of infidelity?
Was breaking NC and dealbreaker?

I am so sorry for you. I was in your shoes also. My H rekindled the affair a few weeks after dday1 (in person as well).

I found out 3 months later.

Unfortunately for him I was not forgiving or accepting that the re-connection was a mistake (it was not a one time thing for him. It was on-going).

Soooo……the affair has not ended.

What are you going to do? I’m not interested in what he is or has done. I’m interested in what YOU are going to do.

Well when I found the text from her, she was telling him not to contact her anymore because she could tell he wasn’t really interested in a relationship with her. So I made him call her in speaker phone and tell her was done with her and he loved me blah blah. When she said why are telling me this, I just told you I’m done with you? So I chimed in and said because I told him to! And then I had a few choice words for her and then hung up.
Now I’m just feeling stuck and angry.

"It had been six months since he ended the affair"

Nope.

"Is this just a blip in our recovery or a sign that he’ll never change?"

Not a blip in recovery, as recovery has not started.

Not a sign he’ll never change, just a sign he hasn’t changed yet.

he said this was just a mistake.

This wasn't a mistake and you know that. This is breaking NC and is a new D-day for you. It sets your healing back to day 1 again. It's definitely more than a blip in your recovery. Of course he can change if he wants to. I would take a big step back and focus on yourself let him carry his own weight. Now he has a lot of work ahead of him. He has breached your trust again and that is difficult to overcome. It's always what happens post A that makes recovery harder or can actually make you resent him and fall out of love. He took a huge risk with your M by doing this. I would not take this lightly.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:51 PM, Monday, January 6th]

If you have to make him call her and tell her all of this, then he doesn't really want you, he wants her. Sit with that for a little bit. She was the one telling him to pound sand. He was the one pursuing her.
What are you getting out of this besides him disrespecting you? You are not in reconciliation, you are not even in limbo. You are even beyond rugsweeping. Please take a moment and a deep breath and start loving yourself more.
Are you in therapy with someone experienced with this kind of trauma? A good therapist will help you find your self worth. Don't you get how much you deserve better?

I’m so sorry you’re in this spot. I agree with the previous comments from others … you’re experiencing another Dday and the clocks have been reset. By the sounds of it he seems to be the the one pursuing the AP? 6 months and he’s making "mistakes" such as breaking NC. Being a BS, we know better and that this was no mistake, but his choice. NC is essentially the bare minimum in ending an A and he chose and risked it *all* again and so soon.

I would be taking some much needed time to reflect on these most recent events and think about your path going forward. He’s proven he hasn’t taken these past 6 months seriously and trust (yet again) has been severely compromised.

After reading your post that the OW ended it, then you had your H call on speakerphone to end it and THEN he texted her again — there are no words to describe the anger and rage and pain you should be feeling.

Like you, I suffered through a dday2.

Your H’s actions do not match his words. Honestly he needs to stop trying to fix the marriage and instead fix himself. Because I can tell you if he doesn’t address his own issues, your marriage is going to be a continued mess.

My H had no remorse after his first affair. And I am convinced that is what made it easier to start a second affair.

Your H has continued feelings for the OW. Not sure why but he does. And THAT is the issue that needs to be resolved before you can Reconcile. You see, he’s NOT all in on your marriage. He’s still looking to the OW for an ego boost or something—but whatever it is, he is causing further damage to your marriage.

I don’t know if this is a sign he will never change. But it is a sign that he’s selfish and continues to put his own needs first. He’s got issues. And without fixing them your life hangs in the balance.

You are in limbo with him. Not reconciliation. So sorry for you. I hope you consider professional counseling for yourself.

I’m so lost. Honestly I want to believe that it was a minor relapse and so far he’s doing better. I’m in IC also and we are in MC also. But I told him yesterday I was done helping him heal himself. I feel like this whole time I’ve been too focused on getting him better so he won’t cheat instead of healing me from the cheating. So I said I won’t do that anymore. He has to prove to me that he’s doing the work. Will that help? I don’t know. I feel lost and sad and angry. I wish I could just go to sleep and never have to face any of this.

What if OW wanted to resume the affair with him? What if you hadn’t discovered he was contacting her?

Do you think he would be feeling the slightest bit guilty or making any effort to fix himself?

Or are you only seeing what you think is remorse because he was shot down and doesn’t have any other options?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:27 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

I mean that could be true I guess. The only thing that leads me to believe it’s not is that she said in her text that it was his lack of contact that made her think that he wasn’t interested and she didn’t want to wait around for him to change his mind back to her. Now maybe that was all said so that I would see it and think one way.

My H also had a blip like this about 5 months after NC was established. He was walking through the work parking lot and the AP was sitting in her car, seemingly waiting for him. He stopped to talk to her. There was some work talk, some "how are you doing?" talk, and some self-deprecating "we fucked up" stuff, and then he realized that he was royally fucking up again and he abruptly left. He freaked out the whole way home thinking that I was going to leave him, and he immediately confessed. He owned it. And that's what saved him.

Did he self-report his lapse, or did you find it?

It appears as though your H doesn’t want the affair to end. He’s doing exactly what the OW wants HIM to do.

Contact her.

And he did.

IMO he’s pushing the envelope (like a spoiled child). He’s looking to see how far he can go and what you will do. Cheaters heavily rely on that BTW.

He’s very comfortable and doesn’t think he is in danger of losing you, the marriage, kids, etc.

Something you have to really think about and understand. He knew what this did to you, and then chose to do it again.

So after digging into this together over the last few days, I learned that the contact was a few texts between them. I think he was just trying to get a dopamine hit because he's still struggling with depression. While this is not ok with me by any means, I see that he was vulnerable to this bad choice because he hasn't been doing the work. He hasn't been seeing his IC since he's been so busy with work and he was basically trying to white knuckle it without any support or letting me know that he was struggling. With the new work he is doing now, I feel more confident that things will improve. Especially since we just started working with a new MC only two weeks ago. However, I have made it very clear that THIS contact will not happen again. If it does, I will leave him. No more chances. And I honestly for the first time since this whole mess started, BELIEVE that I can make it without him if I need to.