SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a long one, I’d grab a cup of tea if I were you it’s very long and very toxic at times.
12 year relationship 4 young children, married 2 years. Mid twenties so we got together young, the whole relationship I was finding things out it wa mainly the fact he has an addiction to porn, but he would also sign up to multiple dating sites/sex sites, he’s rang babe station up and paid for that, he’s paid for subscriptions on sites to watch videos. I was 9 weeks pregnant at the time 2 years ago I went on his emails and seen he’d paid for a site called fab guys I didn’t think anything into it until I went on the site and established it was a gay men’s site. You’d go on there to meet men very last minute, anyways he promised me he’d never met anyone he wouldn’t do it again we where due to be married not even a year later we’d paid for the wedding I was pregnant with his 3rd child I let him of, however on his stag do a year later he came home drunk acting suspicious I went on his phone I know it’s wrong but you can’t ignore the gut feeling, he was again on another side fab swingers this time and talking to women, he’d never changed we where getting married a week later I felt sick, again I’d believed he was just chatting he swore this was the last time he was going on to delete his account before we got married he’d promised he’d never met anyone or done anything. I believed him. We got married. Not even a year later he starts becoming depressed the marriage wasn’t going well I was pregnant with our 4th baby he worked long hours, and we both where just generally unhappy our relationship has never been perfect I cheated at the beginning when I was 15 and he’s held this over me now for years, baring in mind I was a child at the time and we had no children we hadn’t been put a label on it when I did it still not the point and it’s wrong but I don’t think he’s vendetta should of been as gruesome as this one. Eventually he tells me he’d met a man when we’d broken up at the start of our relationship, he said he’d done sexual things with him and he would dress up as a woman every time he went on the site so he would feel like a female, so he dressed up when he met him. I didn’t believe him so I bugged him more until he told the truth always listen to your gut, he then came out and told me he’d met about 6 men during our whole relationship and he’d had sexual intercourse with them, I was disgusted of course kicked him out he was only gone for 2 days I had a newborn baby at the time and in the trenches of post natal depression, we thought we’d work on it but then we had this crazy idea for me to go and meet another man and sleep with him to give me the experience of going with someone else so whenever we didn’t have the children for the weekend (we have a good family network) we would have a few drinks and I’d go and meet this other man, I didn’t sleep with him it was more just the sheer fact of having someone to talk to eventually feelings built up and we slept together I’d met him in total about 6 times this is where things get messy, I’d cut it of with him my husband enjoyed me doing this, it was like it turned him on. He said he felt more manly after him playing the female role when meeting all the men he had in the relationship. I hate the fact I did this I suppose hurt people hurt people and it was wrong to do. He was the first man I’d ever slept with in over 12 years other than my husband as the thought of even doing that with another person made me feel ill but I couldn’t look at him the same way I just envisioned him with these men. When I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest son he went to a strip club and paid £300 for extras he paid her for sex and took her number he swears they didn’t have sex but I couldn’t believe him so it wasn’t just a kinky sad story where he didn’t know if he wanted to be a woman or not he was doing this with women to. All of this just made me rage and I reached out to another man with my husbands permission weird I know. Never again I know. Anyways I’d cut things of with the other man my husband knew this we’d been distant for so long and we’d agreed we where ready to work on it now for everyone’s sakes mainly just the children’s, but I went on his phone one night when it was on charge I had a gut feeling. There it was a women’s number he’d blocked he’d been messaging her for months she lives in the same town as me the man I was meeting lived miles away I could legit bump into this women at the corner shop, she’d sent him videos of her self in barely anything she had kids herself to, he’d sent her pictures to hed got her number of fab swingers (shock), and was arranging to meet her to have sex he says this is because of what I did, I didn’t show him any attention etc baring in mind what I did stemmed from what he did. It’s soo messy. He went on a night out 5 days before Christmas he then tells me the next day he met someone and had sex with them at the time I thought it was a woman but he then told me it was a man but he didn’t do anything he was going to give him oral but he left it, I then go on his phone and there’s a picture of a strippers bum so he’d been back to the strip club that had caused mayhem in the marriage anyways so it’s all a mess. I’ve said it’s over he’s getting his own place and I’m doing it by myself, he says he loves me and he’ll change we will go to counselling and we can have a fresh start on our marriage. I do love him but I can’t trust him he won’t have much trust in me now either and all of this is really draining and tiring and nobody even knows the whole story the families know only what he’s done and the guilt eats me up. Any advice? I know it’s messy & we are both stupid but if he hadn’t of told me the things he’d done I would of never even text another man let alone meet one which he know about fully even down to the guys name. I just think there’s to much under the bridge now and if he loved me we wouldn’t be in this position but when you have kids it’s even harder to just let things go, any words of wisdom?

  Moving to General

Welcome to SI and sorry you're here. You're right - that's a lot to unpack. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources. Also, there are some threads posted at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that we encourage new members to read.

I suggest IC (individual counseling), with a betrayal trauma specialist if you can. More importantly, the IC needs to be a good fit for you. I suggest you both read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Please also see your doctor for STD/STI testing, too. There are some pretty nasty diseases that can turn into something life-threatening. If you're having issues with sleep, anxiety or depression, ask your doctor for some meds. Many of us have had to take something to help short term.

I’m sorry your marriage has been impacted by all of this.

Definitely get tested for any known STDs.

Then get yourself a counselor just for you. You need help navigating this relationship. I don’t know if your husband is gay or bisexual or whatever his orientation is, monogamy is not something he can handle.

If he is gay or bisexual, he needs other guys in his life to have sex with.

Please get some counseling.

I just think there’s to much under the bridge now and if he loved me we wouldn’t be in this position but when you have kids it’s even harder to just let things go, any words of wisdom?

This isn't about love. It's about respect, boundaries, and self-control - things that both of you need a lot of work on. I think a period of separation would be healthy for you both. If he's serious about the marriage, that might shock him enough to set him on a better path. Both of you need individual therapy for a while to work out your personal issues before you can even contemplate joint counseling.

Honestly, you are only mid-twenties and you have a lot of time to do some self-reflection, healing, and growing. You can start fresh with a clean slate with someone else, or maybe you get a second chance with your WS (Wayward Spouse) in a few years, after you've both done a lot of work on yourselves.

For now, try to focus on your own health and your children. They are innocent victims caught in the middle of all this. Do what you can to help them have a stable, loving home. It's great that you have a lot of family support - take that gift as an opportunity to clear your head and figure out where you want life to go from here. Don't blame him for the choices you made - you have to own that along with whatever you choose to do next. It's okay to regret what you did in the past. That's how we learn and grow.

I'm sorry that life has been messy and hard, but the fact that you're here and asking for advice is good sign that you want to turn things around. I hope you can find a way forward that brings peace and love back into your life in a healthy way.

Friend – mid twenties, together since you were 14-15 years old...
(BTW – What’s his age? What is the age-difference and how old was he when you two started dating?)
This is not healthy... This is not a relationship that has developed in any positive way as the two of you grow up, mature and learn.

I think we all tend to mold our relationships into patterns. There is always the risk of that pattern being bad. A couple in a loving and committed relationship will deal with toxic developments and strive to work together, respect each other and create that unique bond of mutual independence based on dependence. It really doesn’t sound like you have that...

That money he spends on sites and strippers... Wouldn’t it be nice to have a spa-day? Or even just order pizza one a week to ease the workload of four kids and a home? Or maybe be able to afford one more bedroom?
The time spent online... wouldn’t it be nice if he spent that time with the kids? Or doing the dishes or other chores to lighten the load?

Friend – he’s not respecting you. The whole relationship reeks of disrespect and lack of unity.

It’s going to take a h@ll of a lot to change that...
We have the selfish behavior of a father and spouse spending lots of time online – irrespective of what he’s doing online. I do believe people need "own"-time, but as a parent that’s time you find after meeting the needs of your kids and spouse.
Add the use of sexually oriented sites.
Add the same-sex sites.
Add the cheating – from both sides.

This will take SO MUCH work to unwind. To change. To heal.
If both of you were totally committed to do so then it could be done, albeit through extremely tough work.
But... without that commitment... IMHO your best option is to accept this marriage and this relationship is over.

I support the idea you get some professional help.

IMO if your cheating husband is not at least honest about his sexuality then the whole relationship between you will always be filled with lies.