SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The deets: Separated from cheating asshole in 1/2023 after he told me about long-term affair with married COW. Officially divorced in 4/2024 due to the year long separation requirement in my state. He moved in with AP not long after I kicked him out and, as far as I know, they are still living together. They might even be married at this point.

A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It is a very aggressive type, but also responds very well to treatment. This means I will likely survive, but will need very intensive chemotherapy. During this treatment I will likely become progressively less able to take care of myself for longer and longer periods of time after each treatment. This treatment should only last for about 5 months, with recovery time after, but 5 months is a VERY long time when you feel that shitty.

One place I am really struggling (other than the difficulty accepting the fact I even have cancer) is in feeling like I'm all alone in this and I shouldn't be. I vowed in sickness and in health, until death and all that, and I actually meant it! For 17 years I had someone to make me soup when I was too sick to do so and now I don't.

I have a boyfriend who has been supportive, but we don't live together and he clearly doesn't want to at this point in the relationship. To be fair, I'm not sure I would want to now if not for the diagnosis. I don't know how I'm going to handle basic tasks like getting myself water when I feel like dying from the chemo. It feels sooooooo shitty that, in the exact same circumstance, AP and XH wouldn't have these concerns; they would have each other. When I mentioned this to the BF, he said, "you can always call me or one of your friends if you need something." I just don't see myself doing that for anything smaller than an emergency. What if something else happens, like a sudden crash in blood pressure where I pass out? No one will even know.

I'm also concerned about losing any beauty I have remaining at 45 years old. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with a 45 year old woman with no hair or breasts.

I'm feeling jealous of XH and AP, but I'm also feeling jealous of other women with breast cancer. I hear them say things like, "during chemo, I didn't even have the energy to pick up my kids from school or make dinner." When I ask them what they did they say, "my husband had to do it." I don't have that option and it feels like yet another way infidelity has fucked me over.

I'm also jealous my XH has basically never had anything bad happen to him. He stomps through life uncaring when he destroys others' lives, but he's never even had a friend die, when I've lost many close family members and friends. Add in I had to deal with his infidelity, subsequent divorce, and now cancer, it's yet another way life is completely not fair.

I'm living the thing we all fear when we discover infidelity...being alone and dealing with a serious illness.

I share your fear of being alone in my old age or when I get too sick to be able to take care of myself. I'm going to share some information with you, I know it's not the same thing that you're going through, but I hope it still makes sense and is relatable without being offensive.

I just recently found out my wife of 22 years had cheated on me. I'm 51, I have to use a C-PAP machine when I sleep to stay alive, I have ED, and a vasectomy (that I got many years ago so my wife would not need surgery).

My WW recently told me that 80% of all spouses are NOT there for the people they married when they get a serious illness, and she didn't think I would be there for her if she ever got a serious illness (like cancer). This conversation was after I found out she was cheating on me and part of her "reasons" for why our marriage was so bad.

Even though I'm still here for her trying to work through reconciliation, she still tells me she doesn't believe I actually care for her or love her or make her feel safe and protected. But at the same time she tells me "I know you're doing everything you can, and I see you changing and trying."

I too feel pain thinking about vows we took, "In sickness and in health" wondering how at age 51 I haven't given her all of my healthy years already, and now that I'm getting older and having issues that older men have, she's cheating with younger men, and somehow I'm the one that doesn't make her feel safe?

I had to schedule a routine colonoscopy recently, and I realized that I had NO ONE to drive me there other than my WW. I freaked out! I don't feel safe with her. I don't actually want her to take me. She will take me, but it's going to be awkward, and I don't know that in several months if we'll actually be in a place where that will still make sense. I'm really conflicted by it. On the one hand I want her to be there to support me and make me feel safe. On the other hand, I worry that even if she's there I'll be wondering if she's just taking a break from another affair.

It's not fair, BallofAnxiety. You deserve much better, and I'm very sorry you're going through this. But if it's any consolation to you, I see you and I think I understand some of the pain you must feel, some of the fear you must have. Unfortunately, you're not alone. I'm not religious, but I feel for you and wish you the very best for whatever that may be worth.

i'm so sorry you do not deserve what you have been through and this world is so unfair. I too worry about something happening as i get older. I do have my kids but would never want to burden them. Also have a LT boyfriend who has yet to move-in if it ever happens so I can totally relate. Plus he's in transportation and always on the road. i worry one day I will die alone and it would take days for someone to discover me as my kids are not living with me full time it is off and on.

I hope that you get through this time period with no issues and can put it behind you. Do you have any friends that may be able to help out?

Sorry about your new diagnosis, BoA. No advice, just sending you a hug.

{{Hugs}}

My heart so goes out to you ...I can completely understand what you are feeling. Just stay in your integrity. Draw close to the Lord who is ever faithful. Will pray for you.

"Cast your care on Him for He cares for you" I Peter 5:7

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:17 AM, Thursday, January 9th]

You have been heard. The unfairness of all of this is just a lot..

Please lean on your friends and family during your treatment. Your friends will want to be there for the big things and the little things. I get the fear-I’m alone too. I often wonder if I’ll be found two weeks after my death with my cats having eaten half of me. But you have a support network and they will want to help you.
Sending healing mojo.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 2:07 PM, Thursday, January 9th]

I'm so sorry, BallofAnxiety. Nothing about infidelity is fair, and it sounds like life has handed you entirely too much pain to deal with lately. I hope you find some good solutions and get the care you need as you go through your cancer treatment.

So very sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of anger, pain, uncertainty, etc. you are experiencing at this point. Life really can be so unfair and all of your above thoughts have been heard and are 100% validated.

Definitely lean on your BF, friends and family for support … maybe if it becomes too much at some point during your treatments your bf could move in temporarily to give you that little extra support?

Sending you continued strength during this time and in the upcoming months. You got this!

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 7:52 AM, Thursday, January 9th]

@4characters I deeply relate to your feelings and fear of not feeling safe with your spouse. That is one of the big reasons I chose D, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life anxious about when the other shoe would drop. Not gonna lie, it's been hard being alone, but I'll take the sadness over the anxiety.

Not to thread jack my own thread, but, gently, it sounds like she's manipulating you. She should be fighting for YOU, not making you work to make her feel safe.

@crazyBS I do have friends who have offered to help; one is even coming to my big oncologist appointment tomorrow. It just feels different than with a partner...with a spouse the assumption is that they will be there without you having to ask; with a friend or boyfriend I feel like I have to ask and they could say no.

@LF, @WT2, @BB, @NoThanks, and @Heartbroken: Thank you all so much for your kind words of support and even more, UNDERSTANDING. Many people I talk to tell me to focus on the positive...that the cancer is treatable, it was caught fairly early (we think), that I don't know if my XH would have been a good support even if we were still together, etc. It seems like no one really understands why this makes me so mad at my XH, they don't see what it has to do with him. It's especially hard when talking to others who have had cancer and they don't seem to understand the difference between going through it with a spouse or alone.

The one bright spot I have found is I heard some people with cancer name the cancer bc they want to see it as separate from them. I instantly thought of an excellent name...I'm naming it after AP! Then I can say things like, "the chemo is killing AP," and "I'm finally having the surgery to cut AP out of my life forever!" Petty? Yes. Amuses me? Also yes.

The one bright spot I have found is I heard some people with cancer name the cancer bc they want to see it as separate from them. I instantly thought of an excellent name...I'm naming it after AP! Then I can say things like, "the chemo is killing AP," and "I'm finally having the surgery to cut AP out of my life forever!" Petty? Yes. Amuses me? Also yes.

Brilliant! I love that you're finding some humor in all this, however grim.

The whole "focus on the positive" stuff is all fine and good, but I think our society often tries too hard to avoid negative and uncomfortable emotions like grief and anger. Having people who can receive those feelings with grace is also important. I've had to deal with a disabling chronic illness (no cure) the last few years, and I get so frustrated at hearing "At least you have XYZ" or "At least you still look good." Yes, things could always be worse, but pain isn't a competition! Anyway, I'm glad we can be here for you. Take care.

Anxious,

Go to a mall and sit in the food court.

Watch all the couples walking by, hand in hand.

You’ll quickly be reassured that it’s not about hair, or breasts.

I am saddened to read this post. I hope you have a very quick recovery and can work through the treatment period.

Someone told me there are excellent support groups through the hospitals.

Also look up Adelphi Univ Breast Cancer hotline. They offer services and support. It has been around for decades and can provide referrals for you.

I'm also concerned about losing any beauty I have remaining at 45 years old. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with a 45 year old woman with no hair or breasts.

I find surviving in spite of something catastrophic BeautifulAF!

Go get thyself a T shirt that says BADASS IS BEAUTIFUL and wear it whenever you allow those toxic thoughts creeping in. Then kick them right out with some sparkly bitch boots.

The whole "focus on the positive" stuff is all fine and good, but I think our society often tries too hard to avoid negative and uncomfortable emotions like grief and anger. Having people who can receive those feelings with grace is also important. I've had to deal with a disabling chronic illness (no cure) the last few years, and I get so frustrated at hearing "At least you have XYZ" or "At least you still look good." Yes, things could always be worse, but pain isn't a competition!

I relate to this SOOOOO MUCH. I've always responded to "it could be worse" with, "yes, but it could also be better." Not that focusing on the negative is a good idea, either, but I agree that people are uncomfortable with anything negative and want to sweep it under the rug. I have found one of the most helpful things people did for me after learning of the A and subsequent D was to sit with me while I felt like absolute garbage; not trying to talk me out of it, but agreeing that while things definitely do suck now, they might not always and it's OK to be depressed and angry about what has happened.

Thanks for the support and the laughs SI!

Oh I love a petty queen! Using the AP’s name is excellent!🎉

II agree that you are allowed and should be encouraged to feel the negative- just not live there.
In my 20s I had an aggressive case of cervical cancer however luckily they were able to cut it all out after a few tries. No radiation, no chemo.My family (including my spouse at the time) saw it only as great and lucky. But it took my ability to have kids (or at least without some extreme measures). It took years for me to finally feel the pain and disappointment and hurt I experienced way back then. You have to feel what you feel to heal. Nothing wrong with looking at the bright side (I refer to my experience as I got the good kind of cancer), but not acknowledging the shitty parts damaged me.

There were no local support groups and social media didn’t exist back then, but a support group would have been nice. I think a support group is a great idea.