SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sure there are other people that did but I am wondering if anyone else did it completely alone? We didn’t tell any family, any friends. The job where it happened at was a second job and we weren’t close to anyone there so the day he had no contact with her, there was no contact with anyone else there. I just sometimes wonder if it would help me to be able to vent to a friend, which he has told me to do, but I have chose not to. I just would like to hear how it worked out for other people.

We had a situation the other night where we had to go back to the place he used to work, a medical facility, we planned it right because since he used to work there we can still see the schedule, but he ended up having to stay overnight running into the next shift. It wasn’t what we planned. We never saw the AP, but knowing she was there made me want to crawl out of my skin. The next morning a nurse came in that was one of her friends that he had worked with to discharge us and acted like she didn’t know him. Everyone on the overnight shift was so nice and accommodating and talked to me but this girl pretended he was a stranger. He always thought no one knew because it was a very short emotional text affair but this girl was her friend and wouldn’t even look at me and made sure when we walked out the AP wasn’t anywhere to be seen. She knew.

This is one of those times I wanted to call one of my girlfriends and scream and cry and ask if I was being completely unreasonable for my reaction. He told me I was not and he wanted out of there faster than I did but I still wanted to talk to someone else. I just haven’t brought myself to tell anyone about it. Anyone else?

This happened 10 days before our 20 year anniversary trip we are taking that I thought we were doing so great for and then BAM just throw all this shit in our face. Our mistake, we will go to a different town for a medical emergency next time.

[This message edited by Emotionalaffair24 at 6:34 AM, Monday, June 15th]

Yes, I did.

It is a special kind of hell, and although I got out of there tempered beyond belief, it took 18 years and I had few points were I could have ended it, coincidentally enough there was something to stop it but it was just chance. I made it out. Barely. If the lowest moments were in any other point in time, I would not be writing here.

I was a very strong person before. Now that person looks frail to me.

Goes to say I won’t recommend it.

I had one friend and these forums to vent to. D day was over a year ago, and we're in a much better place now. Partly because of help and advice I received here.

These forums are a great spot for that. The ability to vent and receive advice from others who have also gone through this and are sympathetic is a great resource. I leaned on it pretty hard and I've stuck around to try and pay it forward.

I can only imagine how it felt for you to be there the other night. I'd have been ready to climb the walls too. That feeling of seeing others who you're sure know about it would be so uncomfortable. Whether they actually know or not isn't really the point. That feeling that they might is bad enough. I get it. I definitely feel for you. You've been heard.

The only person I told was my mother, and only because she previously told me about her affairs. I don't talk with her about it much, though, as she's great at listening but not so great at coming up with advice. My BH didn't want me to tell anyone, and I don't think he did himself, either. When I've felt like I'm struggling with my feelings and need someone to talk to, I used my IC, this site, or most recently, ChatGPT. I think it's going okay. I often worry my husband could use more outside support, whether that would change our relationships with whomever he told or not. He has an IC, at least.

Yes. It is a special kind of Hell.

In my case, my best friend at the time found out [our teen told her teen, her BFF]. She invited me over and I yelled, screamed, cried and drank. BUT when I decided to stay and try - I lost a friend. That was 4 days after DDay1.

I go it alone - have for 9 years. Some days I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

@Chaos:

BUT when I decided to stay and try - I lost [my best] friend [at the time].

I'm so sorry. That must have been devastating. My heart goes out to you.

For my own part, telling the OBSes would destroy some deep friendships. It's such a double bind. I don't want to put anyone else in our friendship group into this unenviable position, so I'm going it alone for now.

100% other than a therapist I finally started seeing. It is still very lonely at times and yet another sacrifice you have to make when making that choice. In my case, it was for my kids. I have 4, 2 of which struggle with mental health issues of their own and I was frightened at the highest level of what this would do to their world (along with the other 2). I chose not to take that risk. I did the same with friends. We share almost all of our friends so telling them would have damaged, ended, etc those friendships. I was not willing to let her bad decision damage my children and my friendships so chose to go at it alone. i still have to remind her of that sometimes. The irony is that her AP made an early attempt after DDay to "fool" me into thinking everyone knew by writing a pathetic letter to me and pretending it was signed from some of our friends alerting me to the affair. I'll never forget the opening line: "XXXXX is fucking around and you deserve to know" It was almost funny how obvious it was that it was from him and a sad, pathetic attempt to ruin my life further. I still question if it was the right decision and if I damaged my own mental health further by having no outlet for the pain, anger, etc. It certainly is a very personal decision. I will give my WW credit for one thing throughout this: she never pleaded for me to not tell anyone. I know she probably prayed internally that I didn't but she never outwardly expressed that, knowing that she needed to accept her fate in that regard. I think every situation, person, family is unique so there's probably no generalized advice for everyone other than, at a minimum, find a therapeutic outlet for the pain. You need to talk to someone if you make the choice to not have it be someone from your inner circle. I did not do that for the first 6 months or so, literally having no one to talk to. I finally started therapy and that helped tremendously. It's not the same as talking to a friend or a family member I imagine but it's something. I wish you the best as you navigate the waters of the mess our WS created.

Yes. It is a special kind of Hell.

In my case, my best friend at the time found out [our teen told her teen, her BFF]. She invited me over and I yelled, screamed, cried and drank. BUT when I decided to stay and try - I lost a friend. That was 4 days after DDay1.

I go it alone - have for 9 years. Some days I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Betrayal and infidelity is a taboo if you’re the betrayed partner. While cheaters can talk to others and get empathy or emotional support, that’s not a luxury that BS get.

There’s something about the deep pain you carry that is very uncomfortable and unsettling for someone who has never been through betrayal. They may really feel desire to help you but they can sense they truly can’t, and while doing that try your pain start seeping in them poking at fears and insecurities nobody really wants to confront if possible.

Friends being friends may try to endure and they likely will respond with the only sensible solution they can think of to help you. Leave.

Not just to help you but because they sense that once you abandon your abuser then you will start healing (correct) and then they do not have to confront this uneasy situation of yours again.

You deciding to stay means that your friend has to make a choice: they will stay and hold your hand, exposing themselves to that dreadful pain you still carry, or they end the friendship and find relief from that darkness.

Both are possibilities but the second option is the easiest option. People who were not betrayed don’t want to think about how that feels, is just atavistic horror.

We didn’t know before. We wouldn’t want to touch that topic with a ten foot pole.

Is naturally off putting.

Sorry that you lost a friend, but you should not face it alone.
Therapist are prepared to fight with that darkness and help you out.

I know for personal experience that when you truly reach the bottom of the abyss you’ll bounce back out if you’re still alive

— this caveat because just yesterday evening in the building next where I live, a BS just took the jump and ended or tried to end the pain that way. The WS is back being consoled by her AP right today. No idea if is alive and in coma or already passed, guess we’ll know in few days. I don’t miss the irony of it all - ending your life doesn’t make a difference is just another insult to the victim, you get no justice, just a final injustice and your abusers are consequences free. live and thrive, don’t give up, is not worthy ! —

But is not worthy you can get out faster with help.

This is existential dread, trauma. don’t face it alone when there’s tools like therapy to survive infidelity

Goes without saying that I believe you will make it, ladies and boys. I know you can.

Kudos to those of you who could keep it to yourself because I couldn't. Minutes after discovery I was in my truck just driving and I called my oldest brother. I don't know how many times I talked to him over the next 3 months. I would call him several times a day and he was always there

I was so lost I would talk to anyone about it but I never told any of our friends. I remember the first time my wife and brother were going to be together at a function and he said your wife might be a bit uncomfortable because I know, and I thought oh well, that's her problem

I told my salesman at the supply house I use, I told some other people that I know, people my wife doesn't interact with. Therapist. The maintenance guy at one of the facilities I service. I just felt totally lost and talking about it helped.

She told her BFF and one of her sisters

I used this forum for a long time, family and friends did eventually find out around 4 months later. He decided to leave me for the ow so a lot of people did find out, kids school, family. He came back 5 weeks later but we still had problems up until recently. I have found now some of my relationships with my family and his have broken down. My sister refuses any contact with him and won’t visit my home anymore she’s near enough cut me off. And my bil who we were closest to literally yesterday walked the opposite direction to me. I think that maybe more to do with he was used as a place were my partner was meant to be when staying with the OW although he didn’t know that. So he probably doesn’t know what to say to me. I also feel very awkward now when I’m out with him as I feel people are judging me or the sense that they are thinking if only she knew kind of feeling. I don’t think we will ever attend any family gatherings either now because of the breakdown or relationship with family and friends. The hardest part is no one wants to see a family member or friend hurt and upset or disrespected. So for the bs to still chose the cheater the family will always have a strong and negative view of them going forward. I tried to keep it under wraps for ages but eventually it all came out

Emotionalaffair24 I understand this as I have not told friends or family the full details because once other people know and you cannot control how they see your partner your marriage or your decision to stay or try. So in that sense I have processed a lot of it alone but not completely alone. I have used this forum and private writing to get the pain out somewhere safe and think the hard part is that betrayal is already isolating and then protecting privacy can make it even more lonely. But telling people can also create another layer of fallout especially if you are not ready for everyone to have an opinion.

I've only spoken with a few of my closest family members (my adoptive brothers basically who have been my friends for 20+ years) and my dad. My mom and my coworkers know that I've "been in a rough patch" with my wife.

This forum, and my therapist have been massively helpful while I navigate things in my marriage.