SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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First things first: I started the divorce process.

My WH and I went to our last couples therapy session on friday. I shared all the information I collected from his various friends about the true scope of the affair - including things like:

1. WH and the OW did stop communicating….but it was so hard for them that they came up with a code word that they would share with each other to let the other person know that they were thinking of each other.
2. WH was away in mid september and wrote her a postcard from his location. (When confronted with this he said: ‘I didn’t actually send it’).
3. His biggest fear, that he expressed to his friends, is that the OW said that he had to "get his life together," and she won’t wait for him to figure it out.
4. Apparently made his friends read these long, elaborate messages they sent back and forth about how in love they are.
5. He told them is was because our libidos are different and he wanted to live life different. And I kid you know, he said: "like going camping."

Since then, I’ve also found out that he’s only sharing partial truths with a lot of his close friends, and as i’ve revealed more information about the past year to them (particularly about the time he tried to solicit sex online and got scammed), there’s this sense that no one knew this was happening. Many of his friends have commented that my WH has been acting distant and off with them for a few years now.

I’m also learning that things he’s told me aren’t actually the full truth….and he’s spoken about our relationship to others and then told them "not to tell." It’s like he’s trying to control the narrative of who he is without ever being fully honest with people.

He made a comment about the OW, and how they’re very similar, and developing feelings for her was like realizing how people could love him. And it’s like…what I have been doing for the past 15 years?

I know I have to stop information seeking. It’s not actually doing good for me or my body. I know I just want to make sense of it so badly. But the reality is…maybe he does just like her more and that’s all there is to it.

The reality is he’s running. Running from you. Running from his past. Running from his Shame. Running from the truth.

In a short time once the OW figures out the "real him" she’ll be in the same boat you are in. Being lied to and cheated on.

The OW isn’t better. She’s just someone he can lie to and be believed right now.

I agree with the first wife. It says everything about his character , not yours. It’s ok to want to know what happened , for some people it helps. For me I had a moment when I was writing down different phone numbers I saw in his search history of an escort site and trying to figure out which escort he went out with- and I stopped in the middle of it and thought hmmm this isn’t what normal people in a happy healthy relationship do ! And for me I decided I don’t care to know any more because I already know what he’s capable of is bad enough to feel that he is not respecting me like I deserve to be respected. You have enough information. It just takes some time to get over the shock, I think. Hang in there and don’t be hard on yourself. You’re processing it the best way you know how - you never asked for this !

Thank you both for your messages 🫶. I think what I ultimately want is for my husband and I to share the same reality again, and unfortunately, I don’t see a way for that to happen. I’m not even sure he’s fully cognizant of what he’s saying/has said to people.

There are things he’s said that will stay with me forever, including lines like: "I just keep thinking, is this all there is?"

Through his friends, i’m also learning that his perception of situations is very different from his friends perception. For example, he’s always told me that while in Italy, a girl there tried to make a pass at him and kiss him. He makes jokes about it to this day. This girl happened to go on to marry our close friend, and we became friends. Today, I asked her about it, and she said "no, WH tried to kiss me and when I didn’t reciprocate he asked me not to tell anyone what had happened."

I feel like i’m unraveling an entire lifetime of deception. It’s making me rethink a lot of things, and it’s also making me realize that I just…never questioned anything.

[This message edited by stayg0lden at 4:22 AM, Sunday, November 1st]

Your H seems like the kind of person that needs constant validation from others that he’s still attractive and desired and "hot".

Unfortunately your love and attention isn’t enough for him. Not sure why he went yo escorts as well but you are dealing with someone who has some very serious issues and a lifelong behavioral issue (based on what you found out recently).

He really needs professional counseling.

That urge to keep searching for new info lingers for a long time. I think most of us have this feeling that if you uncover enough it'll all click together and you'll have that "Ah-ha! That's why!" moment. But I don't think there is an ah-ha moment. I doubt most of us will ever truly understand what drives a cheater to cheat.

If you're getting divorced I think the best thing to do is just detach and abandon trying to figure out why your husband cheated or did whatever else he did because it's never going to make sense to you. I've put a lot of time and energy into it, and honestly after a year and a half I still ask questions sometimes, but I've yet to really hear a satisfying answer.

To answer your question yes the constant detective work does end, you will eventually settle.

Your H can’t face himself, he’s delusional and living in his own little fantasy bubble.
He’s not living in reality but if you have started the divorce process he soon will be.

He is out of his mind. "Is this all there is"....that is a question he needs to realize can only truly be solved by finding God. No other woman will fill this for him.

Yet he had a wife which could have been a source of joy and fulfillment in life...he just could not see it. He believed lies.

It will likely stop for you....the searching. But as you said, you brain is trying to make sense of it all. And honestly that may take years. And fro. I can tell, the pain and grief will always remain at some level. And I guess that is OK since it will give you a deep sense of empathy for other facing the same dragon.

Peace to you. ✌️

Eventually I came to accept the reality that if my wife is going to cheat she's going to do it, and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. This may sound pessimistic but an affair is a reality in every relationship from day one forward

Maybe this is just my brain's way of protecting itself.

I used to be obsessed with checking her phone but eventually I stopped because I realized it wasn't healthy for me. With technology today it is so much easier for people to hide communications. There are apps that delete your messages once you send them or read them

IPhone to iPhone text messages do not go through your cellular provider, they go straight through Apple servers so there's no record of it with your cellular carrier. Ask me how I found that out :/

At my age, 56, I have accepted the reality that it may very well happen again, I may or may not find out. She may very well walk up to me one day and say she is leaving for someone else. And I'm at the point where I think I would just shrug my shoulders, say okay, and go on with my day.

I will never again allow myself to become so deeply attached to someone that the thought of her leaving would hurt me like it did before. And I no longer put in the same amount of effort giving those spontaneous surprise little tokens of love and appreciation that I used to love doing. I thought it made our relationship stronger, and in hindsight it made me look like a weak codependent man.

Contrary to popular opinion I do think some betrayed spouses/partners do get enough info and figure out the answer to the proverbial "why".

Beyond the obvious "because they wanted to" — there do many reasons people cheat. For the thrill of it, for the validation, for the escape it provides, sexual addiction, etc.

Eventually you have to stop playing detective if it is causing the betrayed to become depressed or obsessive etc. Tge pain is not worth finding out all the details - and after awhile it may not matter.

If you have enough to know the person lied & cheated — and for how long — you may not need additional details. You know enough to make decisions on how to proceed - either D or R.