SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm generally in a good place these days, but I've been noticing more bouts of depression and more rumination on WX's infidelity lately. Sometimes I dream about him, and in some of those dreams, we're behaving in ways from before he cheating (the good old days), and in others, from after. Both are hard to process after I wake up.

Things that might be contributing to my mental state: I haven't been seeing as much of our kid. She prefers her childhood home (my former house) to my temporary apartment (understandably) and finds it easier to study there. She has college applications due soon, so I'm not pressing her to spend more time with me, and the time we have together is good, but I do feel sad about it.

The weather - it's been blazing hot, then cold and rainy, then back to hot - all over the place. My health hasn't been as good (weather changes are hard on chronic illness), and the app I use to track my vitals is showing a decline. When I'm have a flare up, it's harder to regulate my mood.

The time of year: a week until my former wedding anniversary. 9 days to the first DDay anti-versary. These weeks have been hard the past 3 years. I guess I was hoping it wouldn't as bad now that the divorce is all done, that I might forget about what day/week it is, but I guess my mind is still keeping track.

Nearly 4 years since DDay1, and it hasn't lost its power over me. I hate that.

I have a tremendous urge to go back over my journal entries, the timelines, the photos. I don't know if that would help or hurt. I don't know why my subconscious wants to relive it all. How do you get through the tough days years later?

Hi sister, I don’t know why you had to move out and not the cheater, but I feel for your emotional state, and I hope you understand that it is normal: it just means you are a healthy attachment person who grieves the loss of what you held precious and feel the wounds of an unwarranted abuse from the person that you allowed closest in your life.

Now this is all normal, but it’s also keeping you in the loop of your abuser, re living what you experienced through the good, now tainted, memories and then the pain that you suffered from the trauma he gifted you with.

In short he is still a shadow hanging over you even if you managed to remove physically the abuser from your proximity.

This is the most important step on your healing path next. To make him irrelevant.

It wasn’t you that destroyed something you two built, it was a disgustingly weak and twisted person planting bombs while you were building just to get a kick for it.

What you built was real, what he built with you was deception and a performance to keep you managed while he was abusing anything dearest you freely gifted him with. Your body, your mind, your heart.

Now you managed to put your body safe from his foul presence, your mind and heart are the ones who need to follow to achieve freedom from this abuser.

He is irrelevant and worthless, he chose and put enormous effort to become such a man.
You can now accept it, and look at what is worthy of you.

Not this person, but there are millions out there who are worthy of participating in your life, and you are the most important of all.
Friends and eventual love may come if you allow them yourself if you so choose.
And this time you will not allow broken people like this guy to lay waste to your inner world. Not as lovers, not as friends, you can spot the broken ones and let them out the boundaries.

Pain shopping is probably not good right now. I know you want to probably double check if your decision was the correct one (it was) and you may hope that seeing the horrors once more will strengthen your conviction of the right choice.

You don’t need that, you DID the right thing because you put yourself first for once, and he refused to give you the respect you deserve even then, so you cast him out of your life.

Don’t revisit the old narrative of a happy relationship ruined by the fate, it wasn’t true. You were true while he lied and exploited, abused and manipulated. He was always this way, he just lied to you and convinced otherwise.

Letting go of bad people is only good for the now and the tomorrow. Revisiting the past only feeds their manipulative tendencies , that didn’t change because he showed you he doesn’t want to change.

The attachment wound hoping that horror never happened is natural. But it did. And you are out of the horror house now.
No point in going back or revisiting the memory of it, you already been there, done that, and was the worst.

Sun is shining outside sister, and once the mind is at ease and peace, also your general health will improve.

You have been heard.

Oh that post above speaks volumes, worth printing off!! 👏

Dear Sister, don't beat yourself up over this. This trauma is earth shattering and it takes a long, long time. The impact it had on you shows you valued love and marriage. The wounds are great and the healing will be long.

This is all part of the healing. Allow yourself to feel it and grieve. To me it does not sound like it has power over you per se....it just sounds like you are still in the grieving process.

Do you have a good Trauma Therapist to help you navigate? I would also recommend you post here regularly. What I believe is that the folks who post often here are helped. People become more vested in you and your situation. And people here do care about you.

Over time, I think as you speak (write) out your experience and people validate that experience...your precious heart will begin to heal more.

And yes ... Time of year and weather are often triggers of certain feelings. That is not a surprise.

My suggestion on that....make NEW MEMORIES to link to these times and seasons. You have to be intentional with that mind you. You can just sit around and wait for it to happen. Maybe get a friend, sibling, or other family members and go away somewhere special for a few days. Maybe start doing something new ..like painting, or dance, or hiking, or a book club. Get involved in a good church.

Make new memories. Build new connections. 🙏❤️

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 3:36 PM, Wednesday, November 4th]

The first year or so after we split I remembered EVERY date that was significant in our relationship - first date, first kiss, first everything, proposal date, all that. Sometimes they were alive in my subconscious and I wasn’t even aware of it. But by the 2nd or 3rd year, I couldn’t tell you half those dates, and now I struggle to remember even our anniversary. TIME. It takes time. So that you are feeling extra feelings is totally normal right now. The shorter days probably don’t help. Acknowledge, feel the feelings, and then go do something else.

I think a little reminiscing is okay so long as you then take a deep breath and then move forward. Journal entries I think you SHOULD read if there are from the darkest days. It’s okay to remind your brain that things were not sunny and good. There’s just fear of the unknown now, and that takes time. Your brain is seeking familiar. So give yourself a set amount of time, reminisce then go for some fresh air or water the plants.

Also, your system is still settling down. Time time time.

Sorry about your daughter- teens are just in such a strange time of life and very self-focused. This will improve with time. It’s a big change for everyone.

Sending strength, even though you are actually doing great.