SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You asked for opinions.

It sounds posiive. It really does. But i have several immedate issues:

How does she explain saying the same things to you a week or 2 ago and then texting her gf that hell no, she had no intention of stopping with OM? That really bothers me.

She still feels for OM. Ok, i admit thats common. The dopamine high is still there for her. You told us you addressed this with NC but does she really understand the impact this has? Continuing to reach out to OM is stabbing you in the heart, i'm very sure of that. Does she know that will kill any hope of R? Does she realize rhat if OM was a.good guy he wouldnt be hitting on a woman in a committed relationship? Until she gets past this she is not safe for you. It takes some WS a while to get there though.

She realizes she does not know how she allowed this to happen. Good! But she has to figure that out or she is not safe for you. Not jusr friends will help. IC will help if done with an infidelity experienced person.

Have you told her no more close male friends? I posted on this earlier. Its essential for someone like her and i am not sure she can commit to that. I mean commit to that and not tell her gf on text, "hell no, i just told him that to get him to stay".

What do you think?

One issue is whether she intends to continue a friendship with the girlfriend who supported the affair. ‘Not just friends’ will teach her about ‘friends of the relationship’. If her brain is too fried to read at the moment, an audio book might be available.

Hi Broken,

There was a gap of time in between your last update, so once I saw you update I purposely went back and read your posts within this thread.

I highly encourage you to do the same. Although you actually lived it, please take 15 minutes and just focus on what you wrote to us. The progression of what happened was astounding. The layers and layers of deception quite blatant and profound.

I just want your to really objectively look at things. Do this exercise....imagine in your minds eye you were in another universe, happily married to a virtuous wife who has factually never strayed from you in the smallest thing. You and she have 3 children. Your oldest is happily married and your youngest daughter still in college.

You middle son has a long term girlfriend who he intends to marry. This son comes home to you unexpectedly in a frantic state of mind weeping and lays out the exact scenario to you that you have brought to us in its entirety.

As a loving father, how would you advise him? Do you feel his ever increasing capacity to be abused will serve him in the end? Will his heart be safe with this women you recently regarded as your soon to be daughter in law? Would you want to see consistent, long term, clear, demonstrated actions that show she has absolutely been changed in her heart before advising your son to continue with her in marriage?

Friend – This is posted with the BEST of intentions.

I’m going to sound like a broken record: Focus on sobriety.

For NOW that is the key issue. Your number one priority is YOUR sobriety. Second is HER sobriety. Third is the relationship.

There is an IMMENSE priority gap between the three.
As part of my law-enforcement training I took a course in rescue swimming. The BIG difference to the LEO rescue course and others was that immense importance was placed on ensuring your own safety. About a third of the course was about preparing for the swim, about half was how to break holds and get away from desperate people being rescued but were dragging you down. Frankly – the definition of a successful "rescue" was not if you saved anyone, but if YOU came out alive.

You need to adapt that focus:
Success I is if YOU leave the present situation sober.
Success II is if she leaves this situation sober.
Success III is if you two leave the situation sober AND a couple.

They are sequential; III is dependent on II being in place, and II is dependent on I.

Other than detox what is her plan for sobriety?
What’s your plan?

I strongly believe what so many addicts have shared with me:
Getting sober is the easy part, its STAYING sober that’s tough.

Although some manage it without some sort of support, I believe the vast majority need some support – some crutch – AT LEAST for the first year. Some find that support in exercise, some in religion, some in AA (hint hint).

I suggested she read "not just friends" and she said she would, so I guess I'll have to order that from Amazon.

Came to 100% affirm what asc1226 posted. You are still dragging her through the process. If you keep doing this, you have zero hope of her ever truly changing. She absolutely has to WANT to change more than anything in life. If you’re dragging her, do you really think she has a desire to undergo a full character/integrity transformation?

You made the suggestion she read that book. DO NOTING MORE but strictly WATCH WHAT SHE DOES. If she can’t be bothered to do something as small as order a freaking book and read it carefully, your relationship has no chance.

Please, for your own sake, stop white-knighting her. The ironic thing is that doesn’t help her either!

[This message edited by gr8ful at 4:30 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

Please pay attention to all the suggestions but focus on this last one from Bigger. He is so on the money here. You cannot fix a broken marriage between to broken people. It is putting a bandaid on a bleeding wound.

This is the reason you need to focus on this one thing right now. Alcohol has hijacked her brain. She might be able to cook a meal, pay a bill, but the overwhelming thoughts in her brain are how to get alcohol in her belly. You think you are talking to a sober person but it takes MONTHS of sobriety to get past that…and sometimes years. (James Taylor, the singer, was addicted to drugs as a young man. He sobered up and has had a remarkable career. But he started using again after 20 years. He is sober again but that is how powerful drug(alcohol) addiction is)

There is nothing more important that a healthy body. Look at how both of you are poisoning yours.

Your New Year’s resolution should be sobriety. She will have to determine her own life. You cannot fix her. You can make demands that are clear cut enough to her that she shapes up or you ship out.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:42 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

In addition to all the excellent posts regarding the alcohol, the smartest thing you can do is to not put any faith at all in her words. She’s already proven she’s a good liar and manipulator. The only thing that you should care about is her actions. Not what you make her do or place in front of her, but what she does on her own. By all means, listen to her when she talks and interact however you see fit, but don’t believe anything you hear at this point.

Thanks for the update.

First is she must follow the path to get sober. That’s non negotiable.

But 2nd most important she needs to start individual counseling with an infidelity specialist. She should do the work to find one and you go to the first meeting with her to provide background and make sure they know what they are doing.

When working with the therapist she needs to work to get this man out of her heart mind body and soul. Until she sees him for a threat to your marriage and life together and not as some soulmate, reconciliation with you really can’t even start.

And I may have said it before, she needs to lead the recovery. You can be an active participant but but she needs to drive the work.

I wish you well.

Well it's over.

I thought I could fix it. I thought if I got myself together she might remember why she loved me and come back to me. What a fucking idiot I was.

She never stopped seeing him. She didn't come home last night and I knew what was happening. I saw all her journal entries on her phone today, about how much she loves him and how she loves the multiple orgasms he gives her and how she can't wait to marry him and live happily ever after with him.

It's over obviously. She's still sleeping upstairs but I'm kicking her out the second she's awake.

That's fine but I really have no idea where I go from here. I don't think I'll ever know a love like I had with her.

Also we work together. I'm gonna have to find a new job/career. And, to make things especially fun, I'm gonna need to get a letter of recommendation from her.

I want to die. Don't worry I'm not gonna do anything stupid I promise, but that's all I can think of right now. I could never have imagined being in the kind of pain I am now, and I can't imagine the future.

I’m so sorry man. False R is so outrageously wicked and cruel.

It will get better. I felt the same way when I found the woman I thought I was going to marry cheating on me. But then I met my now wife, and I learned what a truly good relationship could be like. So many years later I think my mistake was staying with the cheater for so long.

I hope you can heal quickly from this, and even gain wisdom from your pain, to know what to look for in future partners and what to avoid.

Hang in there. She doesn’t deserve you.

I'm sorry man. I know how you feel. It sucks. It really sucks. One positive is at least you don't have any kids or a lot of legal red tape to go through.

God, I know that was hard to read. I really do feel for you man.

You'll heal. You'll get through this. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will. You'll eventually find someone worthy of you. Someone who won't put you through this crap. Stay strong and hang in there. There's a light at the end of your tunnel. It may be dim and feeble now, but it's there. Don't go through this alone. Lean on your friends and family. Don't be a stranger. You know we're here for you if you need any moral support.

False R is the worst— I went through a year of it. The silver lining is you know for sure that the M cannot be saved, and that helps with the doubt.

First thing— See a lawyer and make sure everything you do next is per the law.
Second - if you’ve been having unprotected sex, get STD testing.
Third- FOCUS 100% on you. What if she leaves the job? Or if it is you, then see this as an opportunity. I also had to change jobs and my house burned down, and it was a LOT. Give yourself a ton of grace as you navigate this.

Who do you have IRL to confide in? Get a support system in place.

Keep posting as the emotions will still be strong for a while more.

And so sorry you ended up here.

I feel so weak a vulnerable right now. I hate it.

God help me she's actually trying to say that she really loves me and I'm the one she wants to be with and she'll really stop seeing him this time. And it's like I've undergone a partial lobotomy or something because part of me wants to believe it.

I know I'm not crazy. The reason I'm thinking these things is because I'm feeling a level of hurt that I didn't think possible. It actually feels worse than if she had died in a car crash or something. And believing what she says offers a quick and easy way to stop feeling what I'm feeling.

It's also just that she's really the only person I've ever gone to when I feel this bad. My social circle has shrunk a lot in the past couple of years. Sure I have a few friends I can talk to, but it'll never be the same. I don't know anyone, friends or family, who I can be open with the same way. They're guy friendships, u know? I love them but they're not the most emotionally open or warm, u know?

I'm just writing what I feel because it will hopefully help me get a handle on it. I know she loves him and wants to spend her life with him. I literally read it in her own words. I just have to stay strong and not let this beat me somehow.

Almost just treating it like a journal.

Keep posting and journaling. It will help. You have to value yourself. You have seen how manipulative and deceitful she can be. She has carried on this A all the while her mother is suffering from terminal cancer. She has no problem stringing you along. You deserve better. Very sorry you are going through this. Focus on rebuilding your friends and activities outside the relationship. Rebuild your life. Good luck.

Are you aware of the 180? If not you should read this article and the link embedded in it. To quote the article, the 180 is "designed to help you become strong enough to detach and begin building a life without them." That sounds like what you’re looking for right now.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

Did you kick her out?

Have you looked into IC? It’s a safe place with a trusted stranger where you can voice everything you are feeling and thinking, and they will help you tease out what is reaction, what is emotion, what is truth. And they will help you discern fear from desire (sometimes we think we want something but we really just fear the alternative).

Find one that is trauma informed. Many folks here - all genders - have found IC to be helpful. It may take trying one or two to find one you resonate with, but worth it IMO.

Meanwhile, yeah post away. It can be really helpful to write out what you are feeling.

I know what you should do:

Focus on your sobriety.
Go find a good, committed, hard-core AA group.
Go to daily meetings.
Find a good sponsor.
Share your pain with group.