SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The total disregard for my feelings....I know that y'all have seen and experienced way more than me, but this is the worst moment of my life.

There is no measuring stick or gauge that determines how badly or compares how an affair hurts someone vs another. For each and every one of us it's the worst experience of our lives.

My heart breaks reading your posts because I know exactly how the fuck you feel. I really do. I wish there was a magic phrase or strategy we could offer that could help, but unfortunately there just isn't. Only time.

What you don't want to do is nothing. From everything we can see she's giving you fewer and fewer options. Based on her behavior and actions there's an ever so slight, but unlikely chance that she might turn this around once divorce is officially on the table, but I wouldn't bet on it. From what I can tell, it's the only card you have left unless you're prepared to continue living in this limbo while your wife continues working and maintaining some sort of relationship with this guy and continuing to stomp on your very real, very justified, and very raw feelings.

You will eventually start feeling better. It just takes longer than anyone wants it to. I'm sorry brother. I'm sorry you're being put through this.

If she starts to rage at you as you believe she will, just tell her "sorry you feel that way, all of this is caused by your actions, and your actions alone." Then walk away. Don’t bother engaging in a war of words.

Have been talking/texting with the OM's wife the past 24 hours and his lies are just as good (or bad) as my WW's. Difference is, he's in counseling and talking about renewing their vows. Calling the A a mistake and a fling. My WW doesn't know this of course as she's still being fed lies and living in a fantasy. OM's wife felt the need to share with me how many times my WW F'd her man and such - details I'll never be able to get out of my head. Knowing any guy, or girl for that matter, when confronted, the number given is typically way less than the true number. So yeah, I have that to deal with tonight. I'm numb. I finally picked up medication that was prescribed by my psych this morning. Have not taken, but look forward to not feeling so much anxiety and emotions. I started to look back at the original post and all of your responses and it genuinely made me cry. I want to say that it brought me full circle, but I'm not there yet. I thank all of you for taking the time to read my OP, chime in and offer advice. I'd give special shout outs to a few for going above and beyond, but you know who you are - so thank you. It means more to me than you'll ever fucking know.

I am hurting so bad but I do see light, as glim as it may be. I do need a hug so if you have one, please send it my way. Love to you all

Oh, and I took out a $10k loan and should have the funds on Monday. Attorney is on retainer

Beetrain,

Big virtual embrace to you friend. What you are feeling is so very justified. The pain is real. You will survive this. Don't try to escape the grief, but embrace it to do its healing work.

I can tell you this, when I was in the depths of my grief, I found great comfort knowing that God understood and cared. I would slowly read through and pray through Psalms and He was there. He showed me His heart. He will do the same for you. ❤️🙏

Sounds like you're slowly coming out of the shock phase and ending the initial investigation phase by talking with the OBS. You'll get through it- keep up the therapy and see how the meds work on you to take the edge off. Be prepared to enter the anger phase once the shock fully wears off. You probably felt brief flashes of anger constantly throughout the past 3 weeks, it will become more constant and consume your day-to-day life until you work it out. Find an appropriate outlet- exercising is great especially a heavy bag to pound on and lifting heavy things in the gym.

Good luck with the attorney today, hope you found a good one. Follow the attorney's advice to the letter.

I think I warned you about conducting an 'autopsy' of your marriage with your WW at this time. She's going to want to continue to do this to shift the blame (any amount of blame) to you. Avoid this at all cost. Keep to the 180, file for divorce and you'll get through this. If you don't, you'll find yourself living in limbo hell. This site has numerous stories of betrayeds trying to live with unremorseful and unrepentant waywards, muddling through their life with unanswered questions and unresolved issues. You don't want to be one of those that post years later saying how they wished they left when they found out. You will not find a person that says they regret divorcing or leaving a cheater.

Thanks, Nuke.

It's basically come full circle - I guess, in a way. My WW communicated (text) with the OM's wife this morning. It started with my WW saying "stop texting my husband," to "I'm sorry that I was selfish in my actions that I've hurt you and my H." Of course, after a bunch of trivial back and forth messages that started as katty (spelling), but ultimately ended up raw and real.

I still do not know what I'm going to do.

What I do know, is that my WW clearly sees that the OM duped her, played her, lied to her, said all the right things to get her in the sack and have his way with her. Whether she regrets it, I truly don't and probably never will know. What I do know as well, is she feels alone, which in a way she deserves - I get that, but it's clear that the fantasy that was playing in her head has ended......for now......bc I don't know what 1 month will bring us, 2 months, 3....and so on. I have an attorney, have the papers ready and for some reason still hesitate. I hate that about me. I truly do. She ripped my heart out and there's no way of ever knowing if I can ever trust her again. Therapy is what it is - I don't know if I like my therapist and/or how she is as a therapist, but I will give it time as I've only been twice. The meds....who knows if they'll work or not. Too early to tell, but I do know that I'm emotionally and physically spent.

I don't know if my WW still loves me....her actions say no, but her words say yes. I have a feeling in my gut that she's going to end up in some way resenting me for ruining her fantasy and when the dust settles, hooks up with him again - b/c they can. I don't know. I am lost more and more each day. Love you all.

ONLY....and I mean ONLY....ACTIONS that are consistent over long periods of time can potentially be believed. Do NOT believe her words.

Dude for craps sake. You said she has called you a dick and a liar and a bitch and she’s divorcing you and you hate her and that is all in the last 3 weeks. Now her words say she loves you? WTAF? You need to take control of this right now. File the damn papers. Show her some GD consequences, stop crying in front of her and man the F up. Then see if she wants to fix this and how.

Give yourself a break. Youve been on an emotional roller-coaster. Catch your breath. In time you will figure out what you want to do. As for your WW, her fantssy life fell apart. It was never real.

Watch her actions, not her words. Always value yourself. Your WW's actions have been very common and predictable. Now she wants to hoover you back.in. Dont be anybody's plan B.

Good luck.

So OM dumped her…
Just like I predicted in my last post:

I’m not using a crystal ball or reading goat-innards, but simply using what we have seen again and again in comparable situations

Friend – I think fear is paralyzing you to a stage of inactivity…

Not really surprised, nor saying that to make little of you. What you are dealing with is terrible and hard. It’s a bit like if you were to walk around a corner and face a man pointing a gun at you – initially you might freeze while you try to grasp the situation and decide your next actions. Only… if you freeze then all that does is give the opponent more time to aim and pull the trigger…

I think that deep down you are hoping this marriage can survive.
I’m not going to judge you or question your standards or sanity or whether it is even possible to come back from what she’s done. I have seen couples reconcile from what can be considered "worse", and I have seen couples divorce from what might be considered "less".
What I will tell you though is that over the many years I have been here I have NEVER EVER seen a marriage become good or even tolerable while there is unrepentant infidelity going on. Infidelity isn’t "just" the phase while your partner is emotionally and sexually connected to OM, it’s also where she doesn’t see it as wrong, doesn’t see it as damaging, doesn’t see it has her fault, threatens divorce as often as she offers sex… It’s something I sometimes call inactive infidelity.

As-is your marriage can’t survive…
There is a rot that needs to be cut away. Cutting is an action. You need to act to even discover if your marriage is salvegable or not.
Just like the man in that sermon: While he remained confined in the house he had at best temporary security, false security.

Friend – You had the courage to contact an attorney. You had the courage to take out a 10k loan.
Yet you don’t seem capable of asking your wife what she wants…
While at the same time not being clear on what you want…

In the STRONGEST WORDS I can find:
Please – Find the strength to talk to your wife. Something like this:
"Wife – what is it you want?
I can tell you that all I know is that I do not want to be in infidelity. If that’s all this marriage can offer me than I am better off without it.
You have talked about divorce, yet you take no action.
If you want to divorce, then be clear about it. If you want us to work on the marriage, then be clear about that. It would be conditional on my behalf to even consider reconciling.

If you want a divorce, then fine. We can file. That’s OK. It beats sharing you.
But we need a sensible conversation about the next steps. Not details about the divorce, but rather if we want mediation, one attorney, separate attorneys, be amicable or confrontational… Basically we can decide to divorce, and create a plan where we are both free to do what we want within the next 30 days. What I refuse to do is continue this emotional limbo we are living right now."

Those conditions:
A commitment to the marriage, accountability, the truth about the affair to a level you can accept, enforceable no contact with OM (probably/inevitably a change of jobs), IC, later on MC…

Friend – the goat innards I used to predict OM reaction aren’t’ really optimistic about her reply… It does sound like this is an exit affair. But friend – the absolute worst outcome of your situation is NOT that you divorce. Nor is it that you reconcile. The ABSOLUTE worst outcome would be that you two ignore the issue and find some way to cohabitate without ever dealing with the infidelity. For one, it will only fester and eventually boil into intense resentment and hate, for two, the odds are high there will be a repeat. Better get off the roof into the helicopter we are offering you.

I will say that her reaching out to the OBS and being catty is pretty messed up. Telling her to stop communicating to you is messed up. How dare she?

I hope OBS is still in contact with you.

It’s good that she actually apologized to OBS. Has she apologized to you as well?

Like Fareast said, you’re on a roller-coaster. Last Thursday you wrote "I hate her. I hate her."

She’s telling you she loves you, but you can’t rely on that. Like you said, she’s alone now. Couple of weeks ago, she had two men to choose from. She chose the man who "truly loves her" (from your first post). Only now, the truth is out. She was a mistake and a fling and just someone to have a little fun with on the road. And you told her you’re divorcing her.

Oh, and being alone is 100% her fault. If you betray people, and if you’re a bitch to them, shockingly they may not want to be around you. Remember that she’s been so awful to you that your daughter said it’d be better if you split up.

You need to be sure she simply just doesn’t want to be alone. If you don’t know if she even regrets it, that’s a bad sign, as Bigger elaborated on.

I endorse Bigger’s conversation suggestion, and I would only amplify that if you don’t get a strong, positive reaction from her, then you’ve got your answer. If she’s ‘confused’, ‘doesn’t know what she wants’, or ‘needs more time’, then you can feel confident in filing.

I don't know if my WW still loves me....her actions say no, but her words say yes. I have a feeling in my gut that she's going to end up in some way resenting me for ruining her fantasy and when the dust settles, hooks up with him again - b/c they can. I don't know. I am lost more and more each day. Love you all.

Youve been through a lot and your head is still spinning. Before making any long term decisions, youll need to stabilize your emotional state. The best way I know to do this is to continue with good therapy. Reach out to trusted family and/friends. Invest in your health with diet and regular exercise.

When you can think more clearly, you need to decide what the minimum level of exemplified and practiced remorse you need from your WW to be able to continue on with her. The question is what should you look for specifically and this too, is where SI can help you beyond that which is contained in tbe healing library and reading "How To Help You Spouse...." as a primer, but what this site has as a tremendous asset are FWS's that have tsken up the challenge of living in true remorse. Read their numerous and lengthy posts about their road back to personal and marital integrity. It is not for the faint of heart snd I consider them to be a real gift and not just for other WS's but also to BS's looking for handhokds as to what is even possible. These folks have posted much on this site and I encourage you to mine the depths of their input and their journey back. How do you know what minimum a standard should be if you dont know what to aim for?

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:27 PM, Tuesday, September 15th]

As I age the one thing I have found to be true is living life with kindness. It wraps arms around us. It brightens our days. What we need from those we love is that they go about their day leading with kindness. If it is missing it feels as if we are fading from the thousands of pin pricks done to us daily. I see no kindness in your life. That worries me because you need it, we all do.

If she does not have the capacity to give it freely please be fair to yourself and talk to your lawyer. You need to stabilize your life. Right now it is so far off the rails and she is doing very little, if anything, to put it back on the tracks. You can’t fix a marriage by yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Find someone to unload this to. You need to get all this poison out.

Sending virtual hugs.

Right now you need to be really careful. Since her preferred option is no longer available, she’s going to cling to you and ramp up to big love bombing you to get you to stay. At least for awhile, I would internally treat all her words AND actions like they are both lies.
Its fine if you have to play along just to keep the peace in the household, but just don’t forget how you were discarded when she thought she was going to run away or whatever with the AP.
Everyone is right though, take your time if you need to. There’s nothing wrong with filing today, or a couple weeks from now.

Hello all. To those who have reached out privately, thank you. I tried responding but was stuck on frozen mode so I’ll try back later.

To address a few recent events, I’ll bullet point a few developments as I’m in the pickup line at elementary to get my youngest. I preface by saying these are events that happened and I am just sharing so please don’t judge as I’m still processing.

- WW admitted to me that she felt lied to and betrayed by the OM. She no longer has feelings and won’t "look at him the same," her words. I smell bullshit tbh

- WW has gone out of her way to genuinely apologize to me. Not in the "take me back way," but in the "I’m truly sorry for hurting you" type of way

- my therapist (and I concur in hindsight) believes that my WW emotionally detached from me many months ago and that in her mind she didn’t view us as being a married couple, thus the lack of remorse or feelings of wrongdoing

- WW and OM’s spouse communicated more on Monday and my WW seems to feel "less bad."

- WW did not get the job she had posted/applied for and found out just a few hours ago. She is visibly and understandably upset

- WW and OM still have accounts together. While they haven’t talked in over a week, the OMs wife seems okay with them returning to a business only relationship. I am not ok with this.

-WW and I continue to open up with each other and talk, which is something that we’ve never done in the past. I have yet to fully grieve

- I have an attorney but still haven’t filed.

Trying to go day by day. We are on day 23 from finding out so it’s still so raw

Thank you everyone. Big hugs to yall

Please don’t worry about judgment as you are free to be yourself here. People deal with things in all sorts of ways. I’m glad she is showing some remorse but you have to see how it goes over time. Don’t give everything right away because you risk rug sweeping and continuing on as if nothing ever happened. Trust me when I say , the feelings will come back up later if not dealt with. Even years later , as for my own case I thought I was over my partners first transgression which we rugswept , but I am not. Make sure to stay firm to your boundary that she has to find a different job. It doesn’t matter what the OM wife decides , you have to honor your own boundaries .

WW and OM’s spouse communicated more on Monday and my WW seems to feel "less bad."

Can you please expound on this Beetrain? Reads as if your WW feels the OBS is a b*tch and she's glad she was able to hurt the OBS, is this it or is it something else?

I will tell you that reconciliation usually is a lost cause unless the wandering spouse GOES out of their way to make the changes needed. Any sign of ambivalence or feeling justified in the affair will spell doom.

Has your wife hinted at reconciliation, or is she still in her own 'shocked' phase?

Nobody is going to judge you being just a few weeks into this. I’d be surprised if the shock of it all has even started to wear off. Observe and catalog.