Hey 4characters-
@oldwounds
Not trying to hijack here, but after 40+ years of marriage, not knowing who your wife was, what was it she did to give you comfort that she hadn’t fooled you again?
How did you reconcile that?
Her A did not end how she thought it might, her AP dumped her in a really harsh manner — and she kept the secret for a very long time. But what she learned on her own was, the A wasn’t anything to be proud of and made her feel like she risked it all for nothing. That was her own take-away.
She kept the secret, because she was certain, and I thought I was too, that I would walk once I knew the truth.
Some WS are bad people who do bad things, or are just too selfish to see the damage their choices cause.
Some WS are decent people who fail big.
My wife hates what happened as much as I do.
That’s where we started the conversation to see where we could go from there.
I’m only 8 months from d-day, and I too feel like the wife I thought I knew could never have betrayed me. I don’t know if my brain will ever let me forget that it could happen again. And I suppose most importantly, I really have no idea what my WW could do to make it better for me at this point.
At eight months out, I didn’t have any solid answers at all, I don’t know that I knew I would stay until about 2-years of working on the relationship.
The honest answer about "making it better" — there is NO way for a WS to be able to make up for what happened. It’s a permanent injustice. It’s an emotional scar, whether we R or D.
I appreciate that my wife tries to make up for it anyway — through constant kindness, and giving me whatever room I need, whenever I need it.
Is there any way you could describe how your WW provided you with a feeling that it would not happen again and the marriage was real?
I trust me.
I trust what I learned about her previous behavior.
I know exactly what her spiral down and out looks like and sounds like.
No relationship is bullet-proof, not this one or any other I would have if I choose to move on (which is always an option).
Ultimately, my wife and I learned how to be together in a better way.
We talk more, we listen more, we act far better to each other than we used to. That’s real. And if for whatever reason the M goes sideways, I’ll be good and am glad I gave her one final chance to show me her best self.
[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:08 PM, Tuesday, June 10th]