SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

By the way, this lady knew my husband was married before the sex.
Since telling me, he sent her a message on both Facebook and Instagram telling her he can't talk to her anymore, then blocked her.

I know it's unhealthy that I have scoped on her Facebook and Instagram myself. A lot of her pictures are selfies when she's at the gym or after working out.

I understand how you feel, my partner went off youngest was a baby. I saw her photos online and compared myself to her. She is younger 14 years dresses well, looks like she has an amazing figure. Until I met her in person, I actually looked at her thinking she was her mom asking to speak to her. In real life she was nothing like the photos, she was frumpy, has bad posture, walks and sounds like a man, from speaking realised that she’s not smart at all and looks well older than me and dresses scruffy! So don’t believe what you see online people only show or try to show the best or filtered versions of themselves! After all that I felt a little insulted that he had been having sex with her!

I've only seen the lady once in-person, on Saturday. From a distance as I didn't want her to see me, as she knows who I am. Seeing her satisfied some curiosity but didn't make me feel better.

I don't want to be too harsh on her looks as she's not the one who took vows. She's fit but is older and does look older. She's very pretty but my husband is gorgeous. My husband is very fit and very young looking. I wouldn't expect him to cheat on me with a woman like her.

But he did. Also, I am putting myself down for things she's not doing either. She doesn't wear makeup in her pictures. Her hair is often messy. So it may just be the slender body, revealing clothes, and her confidence.

Should I even be trying to figure out the reason?

Gently,

It would really be in your best interest not to look at her socials or pictures or any of that anymore. All it does is serve to cause you more injury and you don’t deserve that.

It's possibly best that I don't go on social media anymore. I've already got enough information.

It's possibly best that I don't go on social media anymore. I've already got enough information.

Great idea!

In 1976, I weighed 120 pounds. He cheated.

In 1977, I weighed 125 pounds. He cheated.

In 1978, I weighed 125 pounds. He cheated. Two different women.

In 2005, I was overweight. 180. He cheated, two different women.

In 2010, I was back down, to about 140. He cheated.

In 2019, I was back up again. He cheated for three years plus.

My weight had nothing to do with his lack of self-control, his deception, his lies, his affairs.

He tried to say it was my fault in 2005. Nope.

He CHOSE to ignore the voice that told him it was wrong. He wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it, like a damn child.

Trying,

You know what makes cheaters attractive?

It’s not weight.

It’s availability.

Your husband was available. She was available.

These people find each other. Nothing you could have done about it.

He has to take himself off the market.

Or you have to dump him.

Best wishes.

I once heard of a workplace challenge were participants competed in weight-loss. The winner lost an astonishing 180 pounds in 30 days...
8 pounds of his own weight, and divorced his abusive/cheating wife for 172 pounds...
His coworkers – knowing of what he had been dealing with agreed in unison that his was the best weight-loss and awarded him the pize.

Joking aside – There are few if any things that we on this site (as a site or as induviduals) can insist is a fact or a constant in infidelity. But I think this comes as close as possible to be universally aggeed upon:

We – the betrayed partner – are never to blame for their -the cheating partner – DECISSION to cheat.

Note the emphasis on decision. He didn’t accidentally fall on her body because she gave him a free lunch. This was intended and planned – even if in a deniable subconscious way. Sort-of like when you decide not to have the last slice of cake, but yet it slowly disappears while you are doing the dishes...

Using his "logic" you could argue that the reason you wear sweats, don’t apply makeup and don’t do your hair is because you knew he would eventually cheat. I know it doesn’t really make sense, but neither does his justification.

Now – Imagine this scenario: You go on a strict diet, exercise, get a boob-enhancement, Botox your face to permafrost, wear clothes where the tags have more coverage than the textile itself, fingernails the size of daggers... and become the hottest, sexiest, most desirable person in the world – he would still possibly cheat, only this time the excuse would be he felt threatened by your desirability. Recall any of those Hollywood stories where a beautiful celeb is cheated on by their beautiful partner?
Hasn’t got anything to do with you – but everything to do with his decision.

The questions that should be asked are:
If my weight was such an issue that you feel no desire for me, then why didn’t you tell me?
Why didn’t you encourage me to take more care of myself?
Why did you see what I was doing to myself as a problem for YOU, and not a problem for ME?
Do you think finding solutions for marital problems outside the marriage is a great idea?

And... a near-universal marital issue...
Do you think that maybe if I had more time for ME (and not having to tend to the kids, the house, groceries, the housework...) then I might take better personal care?

--
I think taking personal care is a big issue. But not for him. If you want to lose weight, have nice hair, smell nice... whatever... do so for yourself. Not for him, not for the kids. Just for you.
He takes time to go to the gym. Guess you take care of the kids during that time? What about time for YOU? What about he maybe prepares their breakfast while you take a morning-shower, or he does the groceries while you take a brisk walk?

Sorry that I still haven't figured out how to quote specific comments.

Even with all your wonderful words, I still feel like I could have prevented this. I don't know.

I may get a pass on the weight since since I'm a mom. But the messy hair, no makeup, occasional body odor, wearing sweats, etc. I was certainly not giving off a sexy vibe.

I fear when other people find out, they'll look at me and look at the women, and then they'll understand how this happened.

To quote select the text you want, paste it in a new reply, select it again and click the " symbol above the text box.

Look, you feel that way, we all did because your mind need to see a way from this tragedy and trauma to never repeat ever again.

Blaming yourself gives you agency, the agency you lost when your betrayer took the choice away from you with his decision to cheat.

Truth is, you have no agency over fucked up decision of untrustworthy people like wayward partners.

No blame on you.

The look and attractiveness are also a stupid excuse the cheater uses to blame you because he knows you feel insecure about it (they will use anything, traits, situations, periods, anything that makes you feel insecure and willing to accept their justification will be used to excuse their shitty choice and blame you, it’s easier to buy his lies if they also hurt you).

When my girlfriend betrayed me I was a brilliant student in plastic surgery, working many jobs to pay costs and maintain our relationship, one was modeling, so I was pretty sure about my appearance.

Know what happened? She cheated on me with a short, fat ugly loser guy.

She did use any excuse to blame shifting afterwards.

Looks means nothing

Character means nothing

Issues and life troubles mean nothing

Because the problem is not you, is them.

If really your partner doesn’t like you, the natural outcome is they leave the relationship. That’s normal.

If they cheat is a much more fucked up issue that is within their character, not on their partner.

Is good if you want to be better at taking care of yourself and be the best possible version you can be, it’s healthy, but do for yourself, to feel good in your own body, not for that asshole.

Because it didn’t matter, he would have cheated on you no matter what.

And think he proved to be scum, you should be repulsed by him now that you can see what kind of person he truly his.

If anything he should be the one proving you he can reach a minimum worth of basic human decency. Because he’s not there right now.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:07 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

I am sorry he has tried to blame you but it’s not true. He’s trying to remain the good guy in his story by blaming you for his choices. You are not capable of making him cheat (or remain faithful).

He may be a gym bunny. He may think he’s attractive. But his choices are not. He’s a man who cannot keep his promises and lacks integrity. He may be physically fit but he is not relationship fit.

He may be a gym bunny due to low self esteem - like my husband. So compliments and smoke up the behind are like a drug to him.

But sadly I no longer find my husband attractive as he’s a cheat. Whereas before he even started his gym journey (and he thought he was unattractive) I genuinely thought he was beautiful. I’d love watching him across the room. Sad all round really. As for what he thinks of me - I’m not sure I care anymore. That’s sad for him. I’m sure he’ll find some sap to blow smoke up his behind.

I was a size 6 (USA) when he cheated a size 2 (USA) by the time I found out due to the shit he put me through. Availability and lack of integrity is why they cheat. I’m now on a get healthy journey for me and my little ones. I worry about how much stress I’ve endured due to the last few years. Do I care what he thinks I look like - no I don’t.

Should I even be trying to figure out the reason?

Good question.

No. I think he should be working to figure out the deeper reasons and they have nothing to do with you. They don’t even have to do with her, other than she presented him with the opportunity and he chose to act on it.

I cheated on my husband 9 years ago. I can tell you there is a lot of personal reasons that went into it and by going to therapy and discovering them I was able to also work to correct them. That allows me to help build consistency and trust so my husband could consider staying married to me.

The right man will see all of you and appreciate what you bring to the love and partnership.

Your self esteem is bad right now, which is common in moms with little kids. It’s hard to focus on yourself, see your value past what you do for everyone. But do not ow his affair, nor any part of it. If he was having an issue with attraction, it could have been a constructive conversation that maybe resulted in him reassessing his values. Or something you could work on together. The answer is kit just fuck whoever says they will let him. As a good looking young guy, if that’s the reason he has then isn’t it his responsibility to correct that way of thinking? Because where does it end?

Attraction in a normal relationship is often precipitated through connection. Is he capable of that? Could he become capable of that? He needs to be able to answer this in a distinctive way. I doubt he is capable of that at the moment, but that’s where he needs to go for you to think about whether you want to give him another chance.

Another chance is a gift. One that can not be taken lightly by him or this will just be what he does until he kills any love you could have had for him whatsoever.

He needs to focus on digging into the why past a surface level. You need to focus on relationship with with yourself, investing into your support system, and if you aren’t wanting to separate I would still try and reach a state of detachment until he can prove himself a safer person to begin any further investment in

He is using your weight as a tool to deflect blame and shame away from him. If he was unhappy with your weight then he should have done the adult thing and talked to you. But like all cheaters he took the easy (for him) path of cheating

My wife was about 120 when we started dating. During one of three pregnancies she topped 200. I didn't care, I knew it was temporary AND I understood she would never get back to 120. It's rare for that to happen. She is genetically predisposed to weight gain, both of her sisters are borderline obese. My wife fights it everyday and these days she hovers around 160 and I don't care

Now, please don't take this as an attack. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you eating well, exercising? Believe me as the father of three kids I understand how much work kids are especially when they are young. If you need/want to start eating better and exercising use your anger/pain as the impetus to improve yourself but do it for yourself, not him.

There is no acceptable explanation for having an affair, it's pure selfishness.

Infidelity is the worst pain IMO and we are here to support you.

I was at my thinnest and most fit state when my husband was cheating. He found other things to complain about to justify his actions. I took it personally at first. It took me a long time to realize that the real draw of the AP for them is that they are available and trashy enough to sleep with someone who is supposedly committed to another person.

Not your fault. None of us stay young forever and add Bunny XO (who sold sex for a living) to the list of betrayed spouses as her H recently admitted.

Cheating is a personal choice. Cheating is a choice. I have said this before. I like Birky bags, lulu clothes and Tiffee rings as much as anyone. They look so much better than what I have in my closet.

But do you think society would be supportive of me if I started boosting them from stores on the mag mile because my closet is a little thin at the moment? Try telling that to the police. Funny how the excuse of the ow or om "looking better" rolls so easily off of so many unrepentant cheaters’ lips. So do the dresses in the designer section of Macys. But I have enough self control not to steal them just because they look good. So I don’t buy the looks good excuse.

Same with medical issues. My current partner is critically ill. Funny thing tho. Unlike my exwh, I am keeping my lady bits off of other people’s man bits. If I truly can’t stop from doing either of these things, I have serious impulse control issues. If I choose to do it, I have moral issues.

TTBT: Awful! All the steps that your WH took to betray you. Each step a betrayal Checking 45 out, then getting her information so he could chat with her for weeks, then accepting the lunch invitation, then going to her home, then her bed. All those steps. All those betrayals, hundreds when you add up the texts,comments, looks, touches. So many. And, then, when he has a moment to accept what lousy choices he made - he blameshifts it on your weight. So cruel.So incredibly cruel! He could have said, "No. I was wrong, so wrong, and I must deal with my lousy choices. You are my always beautiful and loving wife. There is NOTHING wrong with you, it is me that is wrong. I am so sorry.". And, 45! She knew her choice is married and continued her filthy behavior, which I'm guessing is her normal behavior. Picking up gym people for sex. She could have had another one earlier that same day and spins numerous chats at once. Gross! What is so attractive about that? This is all so difficult to deal with. TTBT, I hope that you stay with us here and get yourself a good IC. This is too hard to deal with alone and no-one expects you to. Hugs.

And, 45! She knew her choice is married and continued her filthy behavior, which I'm guessing is her normal behavior. Picking up gym people for sex. She could have had another one earlier that same day and spins numerous chats at once. Gross!

Other Person usually is as trashy as the cheater, often a cheater themselves.

I think it is important to realize this:

- Betrayals and affairs between a Wayward Partner and the Other Person are NOT normal relationship

They are a sick, fucked up parody of a relationship, where 2 people are selfishly projecting their low self worth and entitlement into each other, and feasting of the chemicals doing "prohibited" stuff and harming deeply loved ones they perceive with ambivalence produces (maybe they loved and resent them or demean them at the same time. Other Cheater are only just in transactional relationships if they are narcissistic).

So comparing the OP with the BS is pointless (I know TryingToBeThough, I feel you, you need to do it, we all did, understand what I say here), because the WP does NOT select the AP as they would select a partner if they were single:

They choose the Other Person because is a man/woman available, hitting on them, and shitty enough to involve themselves to sleep with someone already involved in an emotional and sexual relationship with someone else (the BS/BP).

The standards for picking the OP drop to shit.

My use of the fecal definition for people/behavior is intentional, TryingToBeThough, both to proxy exrpess the anger you likely feel towards OP, and to help you realize, she could have been a land whale and you could have been a movie star, and your husband would have cheated still.

You already saw she is nothing special and you are better.

Your Husband says so to hurt you so it takes the focus off his shame and trash behavior, is a cheater defense mechanism, anyway he hurt you hitting you with the unthinkable already, giving you some more pain won't hurt him more than you are already in his mind, so his ego can profit and push you down, below himself.

My wife was a serial betrayer, she cheated with shitty men every time I turned my back.

When she gave up seeing her "targets" (usually her boss somewhere) was picking another girl over her, she stopped taking care of her looks.

She only had me, and I was already secure, broken by her first betrayal, so she can give up and look like crap, she is not competing for other men any longer, I will always be there (that's how a selfish, low self worth para narcissistic partner think).

- I saw her "calming down"

- I saw her look degrade.

- I am a guy, female looks is a big part of attraction, so of course my attraction for her took a hit (for now leave aside my ptsd, betrayal trauma, ambivalence and limerence for her)

And I had daily interactions with females, business partners, employees, clients, co workers, people you just meet, women in their 20s - 30s - 40s, younger or older than me.

Can't count the amount of chances I had to sleep with other women, times they engineered excuses to get some alone time with me just waiting for me to make a move.

I was traumatized but I am not stupid nor blind. And some hurt part of me truly "wanted to pay her back" for her betrayals, it would have been so easy to give her back some revenge cheating, filled with pictures of many different girls....

But I couldn't do it, even as revenge, cheating feels like eating a live slimy worm: you have an Other Person there, openly giving you sexual openness signal, hitting on you. Your body and subconscious pull the brakes and pull back.

And if there is a person out there who 100% would 'deserve' to taste the pain and trauma of being betrayed by her partner is my wife. Perhaps it would be the time she understands the damage and pain she inflicted and finally feel guilt or remorse.

Because she feels shame, never guilt.

And I am a BS, I was truly fucked up emotionally for 17 years, completely abused and manipulated.

If someone so psychologically messed up still can't cheat on their Wayward Partner, despite all male natural impulses towards beautiful, available women (no BS here, if you are single you won't miss out even one of these chances, it's nature), now think how messed up your husband must be to cheat on you, you who did not do anything to hurt him.

To give you the feel. You have no fault here, you are not unattractive (you are both young, he would leave you if he did not like you physically, guaranteed, he knows he has options), you could have done nothing to prevent it.

He cheated on you because he has deep, serious, unresolved emotional issues.

If he feels shame, is at least start, he needs to work on his issue with IC and therapy, right now he is not, he is projecting his flaws on you, keep lying to you and himself, hurting and demeaning you to feel better with his ego.

If he has a part in him that really wants to R with you, he will work on that. Then he will realize the enormity of what he's done.

And you will understand it was never about you, it was about him.

I feel sorry you are on the rollercoaster, I can tell you is normal, I can tell you you will get out of it eventually. Do not buy his bullshit because every lie or demeaning or devaluation of yourself he offers you is just an extra ticket to this ride.

Say no thanks and read about the 180.

You will find support here.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:24 AM, Wednesday, January 28th]