SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I am glad you confronted her about it.

I am the ws, my affair was 9 years ago.

Your wife doesn’t love this guy, she has an addiction called limerance. Dr. Frank Pittman wrote about this extensively under "romantic infidelity".

I do not say that to make you give her some slack, I say it because it’s still dangerous to her and your marriage. Every contact, whether there was actual conversation exchanged is a bit of the dopamine/adrenaline she is addicted to.

7 months is a long time.

My affair ended 2 months before I confessed and at 5 months out I was still having a lot of intrusive thoughts, the whole "I am trying not to" brings back a lot of memories of that dark time.

I didn’t want to hurt my husband but I didn’t want to lie to him either. It’s so hellish for the bs.

I just wanted to offer you a few things:

-I did not think he was the better man for me
-I truly wanted my mind to stop
-NC starves the limerance, if you read about it, it’s actually a fetish created out of your own abandonment issues. The push pull dynamic and instability of the affair creates a power struggle to not be abandoned by a person you know can do nothing but abandon you. Even Wikipedia can tell you the dark forces of this concept.
-it’s connected to OCD, and OCD treatment did help alleviate some of the issues I was having. -the other thing that helped was building up my own dopamine. I started running which helped a lot, I ate food that support endorphins in the brain. Hobbies or things that get her in the state of flow can help combat ruminations.

While I had full NC from any personal communications I had a project that he was on that had to be finished. It was long distance so I was not in his presence but there were communications that were always cc’d with other people, never one to one communication, which were like the linked in thing. Likely your wife got notifications that her linked in was viewers and she probably checked it hoping it was him because while she knows they can’t talk the idea he is still thinking of her is enough to get the hit she is seeking.

You are doing what you need to in not letting her get away with things that should be confronted and giving her notice you aren’t going to keep going like this indefinitely. I am sure she is in therapy but it would be good to see if she can be assessed for the OCD. This was what really allowed me to get back on track.

And it wasn’t because the AP was amazing. It had little to do with him as a person, it was the affair feelings I was chasing. Some people do not believe in this as an addiction but it’s just like gambling or shopping or other things that make you have an addiction to your own body chemistry.

Think about gamblers. They get addicted to the instability and encouraged by the small wins. It escalates to where the the stakes have to keep going up and up to get the same high. To me affairs are like that. And for females they tend to slap labels on it such as soul mates and things that make it sound predestined or unavoidable to justify their behaviors.

I loosely followed a 12 step program and that helped as well.

I get what you're saying but my responsibility right now is toward my family.

There is literally no conflict between your responsibility to your family and your ethical duty to tell OBS.

Telling OBS not only improves chances of recovery by exposing the affair to sunlight, but also is the right thing to do.

There is literally no conflict between your responsibility to your family and your ethical duty to tell OBS.

You can't possibly know that. AP might retaliate with violence. WS might scorch earth with privileged information.

You can't possibly know that. AP might retaliate with violence. WS might scorch earth with privileged information.

Not impossible but unlikely. AP profile is generally that of a pussy. Lying, scheming, pathetic, kind of person that fears confrontation and folds like the slime they are.

I’d actually love if the AP has balls and just tried confrontation and violence. That would be Christmas Day for me. Something to rip off and also retaliate against.

Please make my day.
But as expected shivering pussies terrified of crossing your sight.

What is more likely as a risk is the bs denial reaction that will give a hook to the AP to claim harassment and try to put as much cover between you and them.

Sad for the OBS, pathetic for the AP.

That seems more common.

Nothing impossible of course, but unlikely and you can always take precautions if needed.

Don’t fear shameful petty liars. The OBS deserve to know they live with human trash. What they do with that is on them.

Thank you hikingout.

I really appreciate the context and your viewpoint.
I will look into the OCD options with her.