SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s always good to read your updates. As always I am in awe with how you continue to move forward.

ex MIL just wants to alleviate her guilt and I am glad you are taking that opportunity away from her. Sorry you got dragged into the deposition.
Keep us posted how that goes.

Take care !

Fold, checking in to see how you are doing. Hope everything is going well.

Hi Abalone, all. You're so thoughtful to check in. Thank you.

Not much is new here. Just trying to stay afloat in all the ways. Work continues to go well and is still the same. A lot of hours, a middling amount of stress, low pay. I am averaging 50+ hours per week with more clients and it is a lot, but I feel that I have to get ahead especially as I am not convinced my ex won't default on his contractual financial support down the line.

The kids continue to do well, deep into their activities, enjoying school, going to a zillion birthday parties and playdates. I have virtual therapy weekly but think I will scale back this summer to every other week (copays are insane given how much I pay for insurance) and I have a women's group that meets weekly online which helps provide some support.

He continues to be mostly out of touch, in general, and with reality, lol. His legal situation continues, every time there is something new it garners more media attention. I don't read it; I have a few friends who do and summarize for me. But I can always tell when something is posted because I get a few random texts from people out of the woodwork. He will visit the kids sometime this spring. He calls them 1-2 times a week and always keeps it short (15-20 minutes max), saying he has to go to the bathroom or go make dinner or something to get off the call. More head scratching there; it feels like checking a box but who knows. I have had one or two come to Jesus conversations with him when necessitated (around legal things) and the severity of things has seemed to have sunken in but he also still seems very much in denial about things. He continues to tell the kids he will move here, when I move there we will do XYZ, next year we can do ABC when I am closer by. I have had about a billion discussions since last summer with him about how this is not good for them as he cannot control where and when he may be able to move. He continues to not get it, that making this promises may very well backfire and it will hurt the kids more and more. Just sustained selfishness, nothing new for WS, right? And in the same vein of selfishness, I have not and will not contact my former in-laws. Thank god they have not called again. Hopefully they get the hint.

Thank you for checking in. I appreciate you thinking of me.

Hi Fold,

I’m happy to hear from you and get an update. I thought of you and your situation often and I know you were handling everything the best way you can.

I see you post sometimes to help others and find your opinion quite helpful. I hope you continue to do that.

Please do give occasional updates as many of us wonder how you are doing. I’m not surprised that you are handling each situation as it comes up with intelligence and grace.

Thank you, BeachGirl (big hugs). Hope you're doing well. Appreciate your support as always.

Fold, Glad to read your updates. You are doing the best you can and I am glad your kids are doing well.

You have moved ahead , progressed, learnt and matured from this entire ordeal. It’s a pity your exWH hasn’t learnt a thing and I doubt he ever will.

Please take care of yourself.

Thank you, Abalone. You're always so kind and I appreciate it.

I sometimes have these existential moments when I wonder what this is all happening for tethered together with the typical "why me" pity party. I have my faults but I am a generally good person, have always lived my life above the bar. And I keep saying and thinking "worse things have happened to better people," but I also often just wonder what I did to deserve this, to have my children have to endure this. They blessedly don't know the details, but they will later. As soon as they can google on their own they can find out everything, or their friends will and it will be exposed. And its going to be ugly.

I had an initial meeting with a pediatric social worker to explain the situation, the kids general demeanor since the move (good, no issues), and to just make sure there wasn't anything I should be doing to support them now. As I told the therapist, I worry less about them now, but am so worried about them five years down the road, ten years down the road. The preteen and teen years and beyond when the real impacts of all of this may be felt. As I told their father, he unilaterally and singlehandedly created generational trauma for them and they may very well have a lifetime of confusion, shame, and distrust when it comes to him and perhaps in their own relationships, their relationships with children if they have them, and so on and so on. This is what I feel that WS do not seem to process. And the fact that so many of them, my ex included, just think they are such good parents even if they cheated. I can't subscribe to that. I just can't.

Fold,

These are really valid concerns and I totally understand that. I am sure though that you will continue to be the good guiding force in their lives and soften the impact of his actions. You are already so proactive in addressing this and compensate well for his poor parenting skills.

You are allowed to go the "why me" route. You have had major life-altering events unfold in a very short span of time and are probably still recovering from the shock of everything. It seems like you have had to be on the go since this ordeal started and have had no time off to process and grieve. You are doing exceptionally well for someone in your situation, considering the added burden of everything playing out publicly.

Thank you, Abalone, for the validation. I feel like "by now" I should just be over it, stop thinking about how I was wronged, blah blah blah. And there are days I am "better," maybe just a combo of busy and wanting to give my brain a break. And then other days I just feel like I have gotten sucker punched, when I lose my breath and just can't actually believe -- for a few seconds, for a few minutes -- that this all actually happened.

Bump per OP request

Happy New Year, all. It has been a long time since I've been on the boards. I continue to come back and read every so often, but have found that some distance also has helped a bit, and forced me to focus a bit more intently on trying to "move on" better. But, you all are on my mind a lot and I refer others to this site so often. So, here's a quick update from my end.

This past year has been a lot of ups and downs, but mostly trying to just keep moving. Financial insecurity remains my biggest struggle. I am still freelancing for multiple clients, and have been working about 55-60 hours a week average for more than a year now. I work every single day, Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays included. I have been in discussions to go FT with one client for a few months and remain hopeful it will work out despite it getting delayed. I will still need to freelance on the side as life is expensive, and they gave their blessing for me to continue if/when I come on board fully. I am praying it works out as I very much need more job security, benefits I do not have to pay OOP for, and the mental boost of being a part of something as more than a random outside contractor. And while I am scrappy and have a good work ethic, I get panicked if I, say, lose out on two hours of work to take the kids to an appointment knowing I have to make it up between 11:00PM-1:00AM in order to keep my finances up.

My ex's case was dismissed, he retired, got a new job, and has stayed living out west a few time zones away. So, the easy life. He sees the kids occasionally, every few months for a weekend, amounts to apx. 10-12 days per year, though there have been times in the past 1.5 years when he has not visited for months at a time (like 3 or 4 months). Calls once a week or so. No contact unless it is to coordinate kid logistics. He pays support on time and largely stays out of the picture, and I strongly feel that is truly all for the best. I have kept NC with my former in-laws, who are not great people and showed absolutely zero support or care for me or the kids when their son ruined all of our lives. Couldn't bother to even send a single text message for five months, then left a self-serving VM where they said they didn't want to discuss anything that had happened and only wanted to have a relationship with the grandkids (I obviously never replied). My former siblings-in-law do text occasionally and that's been fine, but we have never had a "real conversation" since everything happened so I presume his family thinks this was a one-time "slip-up" and he never disclosed he had a history of cheating.

The kids are doing great, kids are just resilient and their younger ages helped with the transitions we have had to make. They are busy with school and sports and a zillion play dates. They are well adjusted and used to not seeing their dad due to his travel when we were under the same roof, so him not being part of their daily lives has really not been an issue (yet).

Like many of us, life is busy and exhausting and there is not a break. It is a constant swirl of work, homework, laundry and chores, cooking and packing lunches, running errands and managing kid activities, and doing all of the things on my own. I have good friends, both near and far, who check in and are there to help if I need it. My parents are a few states away and can help if needed (they watched the kids when I had to travel for a client earlier this year) but they are older and need their own help these days, which is another layer of stress. I have therapy and meet with a women's divorce group virtually a few times a month. I try to work out and stay hydrated, to remember I have blessings and resources when others do not.

My biggest blockers, maybe because the holidays just tend to put things under an unwavering microscope, is I continue to struggle with my self worth. I continue to feel like an outsider in an an affluent area that surprisingly seems to have very few single parents who rent living in it. That everyone else is in multimillion dollar homes, with great jobs, endless vacations, and perfect lives, and I'm the scrubby neighbor who couldn't keep her husband faithful, who looks haggard running the kids back and forth to school, who needs a manicure but can't get one because someone needs new soccer cleats, who will never own a home, who will, seemingly, be alone forever. I cannot fathom ever trusting another man. I am already anxious about how small my life will be when the kids are out of the house and I have nothing left.

I have made some gains. New friends, helpful as I lost many from m my former military-adjacent life. More steady work. Potential for a "real job" one day. I no longer cry every day. But I have lost so, so much, and a big part of that is faith that I will have a better life than I have now and that there are better things ahead for me than I have yet to experience. I still very much feel like the best has come and gone, and that I had my chance at a marriage and happy home life and now I no longer have that and my turn is over. I cannot see a future that is not full of uncertainty, struggle, and feeling like I am less than others. And I am ever-worried about the kids. Not now, as they're fine now, but them in the future, when they discover "the truth," when friends start to question or tease the about where their dad is, the impacts his terrible actions will have on how they live their lives, how they treat partners, how they view marriage, how they determine what is right and what is wrong in life. I will continue to "do the work," because there is not another choice. So, on the whole, just over a year out from the divorce, life is life. Not good, not awful, most days in between. And maybe that's a better place to be in than when this all started, and that in itself is enough.

Wishing you all a great new year, filled with good things. I know we all deserve that.

I hope you read your post next NYE and see it as we do. You sound like a bad-ass to me. You have figured out how to raise happy healthy kids, successfully start a career free-lancing while positioning yourself for a FT gig, and make friends. Any ONE of these would be an accomplishment - and you have done all three. You really need to acknowledge how amazing you are. I am sure your kids will recognize this when they are adults - what a beautiful role model.

I live in an expensive area too. One thing I KNOW to be true is that soooo many people here only appear to be financially stable. Many are over-leveraged or not saving for their future or skating on thin ice. Do not let appearances deceive you. And truly no one cares if your nails aren’t done- really. It’s like at the gym. We are all concerned that others are judging our appearance or fitness levels when in fact everyone is so immersed in their own concerns they don’t really notice or care at all. All that crap is window dressing- you are successful where it matters.

I hope 2025 brings you more stability and the realization that you are an amazing mom who has accomplished so much.

Thank you for the updates - you are doing great. You are a rockstar. Keep on rocking.

(PS I was surprised to read that the charges were dropped. I hope that ultimately helps you in that he can/will consistently provide the child-support and any pension you are eligible to tap into. )

and have been working about 55-60 hours a week average for more than a year now.

One of the hardest things to do as a freelancer is to price yourself correctly...
If you take your income from 55 hours and divide into that by 40. Chances are that’s the hourly rate you should be charging. Might cost you a client or two, might cause some grumbling and an hour or two explaining your invoices. But I can more-or-less guarantee that you will at the very worst be left with 40 hour weeks at the new rate, or maybe 45-50 at the higher rate. The hours you lose will turn out to be the hardest to please customers that were already thinking of getting this done cheaper.

See? Not only relationship advice, but career as well!

BTW I learned this myself the hard way. After working 60 hour plus weeks for some time, I looked long and hard at what hours got me the most money, and simply focused on them. Left the low-paying ones. Eventually I was back at 60 hours, but at premium rate.

Thank you, Bearly, for such a nice reply. I appreciate the support. I know that there are things I'm doing right and reasonably well. I have made a lot of progress in a lot of ways. It is hard to remember that when despite these gains I just feel like I am constantly churning to keep my head above water and failing in multiple areas. And that I can never get ahead.

I am praying this next year is better for all of us on here, regardless of how far out we are from D day (s). Thanks for your support.

Bigger, good advice! And I will take all kinds, not just divorce-related advice.

I am sorely underpaid on one of my contracts and reasonably compensated on the others (including the one trying to convert to FT). The underpaid one is run via an agency that takes more than 50%, so that is the main issue. And you are right. The low paying gig definitely tries to squeeze more from me in ways the others do not. I have stuck with them as they had also talked about me coming on FT, but their business has not been strong enough to do that. I kept working PT for them while I ramped up my other better paying contract hours.

If and when the FT gig comes through and I have some more stability, I will be able to change how I freelance. Either break the agency contract with the underpaid gig to continue working (some legal hoops to jump through) or I could wind them down while I look for other freelance work to take its place. But something has to give as I cannot keep doing these hours without any type of break. Ever.

Thank you for your input - I so appreciate it!