SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post. I've been on the site for some time, and recently I decided to create my account and start interacting. SI has been very useful for me, its library is really amazing. Reading several posts and realizing that I'm not alone in this (unfortunately) was a big help.

Fantasy VS Reality

Many times we confuse fantasy with reality, and of course in Affair it would be no different.

For context:
I’m 30 years old and my xWW is 34. We were together for 12 years, we don’t have children (thank God). I caught her cheating on me.

We tried a false R that lasted 2 months. I couldn’t deal with her affair fog (for a long time I believed it wasn’t limerence or affair fog). Seeing her suffer and desire AP, breaking NC several times, destroyed and completely undermined what I felt for her.

Of course, as soon as I asked for the separation she ran straight into AP’s arms. That completely sealed our relationship for me. All of this happened 10 months ago, we barely spoke after that.

Well, about 1 month ago, to the surprise of exactly 0 people, all of that ended. Now AP is a POS, abusive and toxic. Magically I became the love of her life again (I definitely don’t believe that).

It doesn’t make sense in my head: if she loved me all this time, why trade 12 years for a temporary A?

For me this is where "Fantasy VS Reality" comes in. I’ve read and reread many cases and many of them have patterns:
BP becomes the villain, WS the victim, and AP the heroic savior.

WS creates false narratives or exaggerates small things to justify their transgressions. Of course there are exceptions: some affairs are purely physical, others emotional, others are about escape, and so on.

AP says the right things at the right time. Everything is magical. The butterflies in the stomach (those damn butterflies in the stomach…). The sex is magical, compliments, floods of compliments.

But there is no real life together.

They don’t pay bills together, they don’t raise children together, they don’t live together!!! They simply separate the good parts of a marriage and leave the "bad parts" for the BP.

I met my xWW when I was 17 years old. She suffered from anxiety, I dealt with it when I didn’t even know what it was. Back then people barely talked about it.

When her father died, I was there.
When her family turned their backs on her, I was there.
When she had suspicions of depression, I was there.
When she wanted to start new hobbies, I was there.
When she wanted to open her own business, I was there.
Financially, physically.
When she needed surgery, I was there.

I was there for her on many occasions.

She herself admitted that she had no reason to cheat on me. That our marriage was good. That I was a healthy and safe partner. We were preparing to have our first child and BOOM…

SHE DECIDED THAT STABBING ME IN THE BACK AND DESTROYING MY HEART was acceptable.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I believe that if you are unhappy in a relationship, if you no longer love your partner, you absolutely should separate and look for happiness.

I WOULD HAVE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.

And she knew that.

But no… she needed to deceive me, humiliate me and hurt me.

There is no love in that.

Browsing another forum, I came across an old case. A WW cheated on BP with their church pastor. She was deeply in the affair fog.

A comment directed at BP caught my attention (I might be paraphrasing):

"... let her go, reality will hit her (They had 3 kids and AP had 4 or 5 if I remember correctly), all underage. What does she think is going to happen? They’re going to move into a new house with 7/8 kids involved? Are they going to have sex all over the house like rabbits? That’s impossible with young children.

Not to mention they will face the anger and hatred of the children blaming them for the destruction of their families. On top of that there will be the social stigma falling on them.

This relationship definitely won’t survive.

They were only able to have an affair because their spouses were supporting them at home, dealing with duties and children!!!..."

And this is where reality hits. Most of the time, affairs are fantasies that collapse when they face reality.

Sorry, I’m just venting and I found this topic interesting.

Please BP and WS, feel free to comment or share your personal experiences about fantasy vs reality. I would love to read them.

Thank you very much in advance, and please excuse me if I’m breaking any rules or posting this in the wrong place.

Feel free to move it.

English is not my first language, so please excuse any spelling mistakes.

This is similar to my story with my wife.

Yes we married after, biggest mistake of my life.

My gut instinct suggestion is: tell her this "Fuck off honey, you are dead to me. Worse, you do not exist in my life anymore, I will eradicate every memory of you from my mind. I appreciate you to disappear forever with your pig, so I do not have to waste a second in someone as worthless as you are. Thank you, to never again."

And just forget she ever existed, because she is not worthy.
Period.

Because she is NOT worthy of you.
A good person who does not love you anymore, would leave you then seek someone else after. When someone does it before.... they never loved you or can love anyone, not even themselves.

They are just using you or others to soothe their inside void.

But I understand what you feel.

She is out of your life, best to keep it that way.
Although if you really feel still the need to see her, and not cutting her off outright, read about the 180. Implement it. Either she will realize how much she fucked up and put the work to change and heal herself (while you heal) or not, so you can keep your boundaries and she lives outside those, never again in your world.

She is in for a life of total misery until she lives if she cannot fix herself. You dodged a bullet, do not do my mistake, do not take her back.

If feelings are too strong, keep boundaries up, watch behaviors and work (therapy etc) not word, heal yourself first, you will probably end up opening your eyes and see that she is not worthy of you after all, maybe she never was.

And that is fine.

I think this is true in most instances, and this is why we generally encourage exposing an affair.
I have consistently suggested that if you catch your partner in an affair you simply tell them that they are free to continue with the affair, but not as your spouse. That you tell them that it would have been in better taste had they ended the relationship with you before starting the next, but since they have already started then fine – continue. But YOU are getting out of infidelity.
I then suggest you talk openly about the affair, mention OP name, let friends and family know that the reason you and spouse are divorcing is because spouse values his/her relationship with AP more.
I also suggest you remove all obstacles. No -the kids will be fine if we work at being good amicable coparents. Yes – the finances will be tight, but we will survive (individually). Basically leave them no excuse or reason for wanting to remain married other than exactly that: THEY WANT TO BE MARRIED.

My experience indicates that when you do this (or some form of this) the REALITY of the fantasy being possible disappears fast.
When the OM realizes that his "princess" and "soulmate" is available full time, at the cost of his family, his wife, half his marital assets… as a rule they dump their AP and focus on their marriage.
When the WW realizes that the OM is bringing his two kids every other week, that she wont get the house, the cars, the lifestyle… It’s a big downer on the fantasy.

Frankly – I also think that if you were to allow an affair to carry on. Maybe even openly, as in asking your wife "are you going to be with Mike tonight, or are you really doing overtime at work? Just make sure you use protection (I got you some on the counter) and shower when you come home…" that affair would end within 6-8 months due to the lack of fantasy and therefore the futility. After all – they have all the opportunity to take this further, but it’s limited to a quick secretive dinner and a roll in bed.

Even if the affair ends in divorce and the AP move in together, then I think you are 100% correct that once they realize the other person farts at night and is sometimes moody, and that utilities have to be paid ahead of lobsters and gold, the relationship stalls.

Having said all that…
One of our best couple-friends met while married to other people, had an affair, divorced and have now been married for over 35 years. So I guess some relationships work.

Having said all that…
One of our best couple-friends met while married to other people, had an affair, divorced and have now been married for over 35 years. So I guess some relationships work.

Yes it is not impossible, simply statistically it is a lottery.

When you allow yourself to cheat, you have deep character flaws. Make them a pair.
Not impossible it will work, true love no more betrayals, maturity..... but I rather take my chances with the lottery ticket.