SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wouldn´t imagine being here writing this the last week.

My partner for -this year to be- 13 years now just had a one night stand. She went on a trip to Cuba, wich felt like betrayal on its own, when she anounced that she was going to this trip without me. We like the same music, we have been in cuba and other countries on festivals, we took dance classes togueter, so you can see why it was a shock when she told me she wanted to do the trip alone to the music festival.
She came back last thusday, I went to the airport to pick her up. We talked, we ate dinner there and then we went home, everything (for me) was fine, happy to see her again,

On friday I went to run some errands and she stayed home to rest from the trip, On friday night I tried to have fisical touch and intimacy and I felt something. Nothing really happend because when she took her clothes off and I touch her I don't know why, maybe as a joke maybe as something I felt I ask her if she has someone else to do to her what I wanted to do to her, and she went dead silent. Went to the bathroom, put her PJs, washed her theeth and finally came out and I insisted, Do you? and she said, something happend. I felt like never before in my life, What happen I said, she said everithing happend with someone. My world felt appart.

I asked her why, and now I think she reharsed her response before telling me. She told me: "I think I have tiroydes problems (which is true) I read that libido goes down, my symptomps got better there and I knew this guy, also I think is something I felt I had to do, because I´m not feeling myself lately, I don't socialize like I used to when I was young, and I could in this trip. I'm not feeling free and in the trip I felt liberty... Thing are not good between us for the years... I told you I wanted to open our relationship (wich is partially true, we had conversations on the topic, she told me she liked or likes? someone else, and that she has been thinking about it. We talked about this maybe 2 or 3 times the past couple of months, but we never were on the same page, we didn't commit to changeing things whatsoever)" this goes on and on, and I can see that she´s trying to not be accountable for what she's done.

My tears just burst, and she said "I'm sorry I am the reason you're crying" It felt so unpersonal... you're sorry you told me, you're not sorry you betrayed me... That's what I have been thinking, and I told her last night this. She's confused with that, but it's been 5 days since she told me "everything happend" and not, I'm sorry for what I did.

That is killing me. Also, when I asked her if she wants to be in touch with the person "everything happend with", she said: I don't know. It blew my mind, because she told me she needs sex without emotional connection, If that's what you want, why would you be in touch with that person? why would you exchange info with the one night stand if you're not interested in something else than a shagg? how come you don't know?

I told her my self harm thoughts returned, and she told me "I'm panicking if something happens to you because you´re very important to me" And I felt it again, she's guilty she told me, not that she did what she did and she's focusing on her and not me.

I don't know what to do, I guess I'm here like everyone else, just to venting... but I don't really know what to do, I don't know if I want to continue in this relationship, I asked her and she told me the same. I told her this morning that we both don't know what we want but that I want to try to figure it out toguether and propossed couples therapy and she said yes.

I feel something close to hope but with my self esteem broken, my hopes shatered, my trust in her gone... feels hopeless.

Thank you for reading this lines knowing behind them is just me hurting like never before, and that you can understand me. Sorry for my english, is not my first language.

MisterO,

Sorry you had reason to find this site.

Also, when I asked her if she wants to be in touch with the person "everything happend with", she said: I don't know. It blew my mind, because she told me she needs sex without emotional connection, If that's what you want, why would you be in touch with that person? why would you exchange info with the one night stand if you're not interested in something else than a shagg? how come you don't know?

I doubt it was a one night stand. She planned this trip without you for a reason. She was already in contact with him.

As you may have guessed, this has been going on since before she brought up opening the relationship, either with him or someone else. Cheaters often try to introduce non monogamy after their infidelity has begun.

Check out the Healing Library here, pay particular attention to the simplified 180.

asc1226 Thank you for reading my story.

as far as she told me, It was a one night stand since she doesn't know much people from Cuba, communicating with people from Cuba isn't very easy, but this probably is just me in denial. I guess confronting right now questioning again if she knew the guy from before would have any point. I guess this is something I have to bring up in counseling, if that counseling ever happens

It’s quite possible he’s not Cuban. She may have been in contact with him either online or in real life and arranged to travel there to meet with him or travelled there with him.

You don't need a counselor right now. Your wife needs a counselor preferably a psychiatrist.

You need a lawyer (abogado) right now, especially if you have children which you didn't mention whether you share children or not.

What a rabbit hole LOL. I guess it´s possible he´s not from there, maybe he is and she knew him from before, or maybe it was a one night stand and she might want to have the chance of contacting him as a coping mechanism. eitherway those questios won´t bring me peace, and asking her right now probably she will lie about it as a coping mechanism as she's not sorry for what she did...

To the children subject, we do not have children, that was a no no from the beggining for both of us.

I do read that a lawyer might be a good idea, since we co own a bussiness, and you don´t know people until sh*t hits the fan. And that t*rd hit hard ngl.

It feels really weird to write those words, you thougth you knew someone... reality checks are ruthless.

thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts

It’s been said that every marriage has in it two people: a liar and a fool. If you’re not the one, then you’re the other.

Sorry you’re here, along with the rest of us.

Best wishes.

One thing I hate about this site is when we make worst case assumptions. I think it goes back to my police-training where you tried to build on knowledge rather than foregone conclusions.

However…
Think logically: She goes to Cuba and is insistent going alone. She meets a man she already knew. He’s willing to jump into bed with her. Isn’t this all too convenient to NOT be preplanned? As in there is interaction between then previous to the trip?

This is not an accident. It’s not a ONS as we normally define them. This is a thought out, long-planned and carried out intentional affair. We can assume there was previous contact. We can assume there will be ongoing contact. We can assume that since she was willing to discuss open relationships, ignore that there was no consensus, organize, plan, pay and implement her sex-trip, hook up, come home and behave as if nothing took place…

Frankly friend I am not optimistic for you and this relationships future.
I find her reasoning feeble. Never heard of a doctor write a prescription for sex as a hormonal treatment. The socializing… wow… Sorry. Don’t get it.
I get the issues. I get the relationship might be faltering, I get that you two might have been in trouble. But I don’t get the solution she sought out.

The way I see it?
You have two options:
You can accept that she has opened the relationship. Seeing as how she did all this and then is telling you all about it as in this being your future then I don’t see her stopping. If she’s honest about the non-emotional sex then you will be questioning her presence each time she’s half an hour late from the gym, or if she dresses up before going out. Your option is then simply pretending not to notice and hope she doesn’t give you a STI.

Then you can refuse to accept being in an open relationship. That’s your other option. Of course that requires that she too not be in an open relationship IF she wants to be with you. If she can’t… well… find ways to be partners in business but not in life.