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I realize that I am less then 6 months out from D-day which I know isn't even close to seeing if things can be salvaged. However while he has done "the things he is supposed" to thus far, it doesn't feel like enough. I put together a list for myself because I am trying to look at it from a detached view which I've included at the bottom. He says that he finally knows what he wants "which he has never asked himself before" and that it's our M but he never mentions how he feels about me. He has been torturing me with trickle truths for months and I am just tired. I know to R I have to want it too, but I feel like I've been fighting for his bread crumbs for majority of, if not all of our relationship. I have 2 kids and I want to be able to say I did my best to try but I don't want to wake up years from now going through this again or even just feeling this way still. Any advice or anything I am missing? I feel lost

Thank you

1. Immediate Actions (The "D-Day" Response)
[ After dday without me] Total Cessation: End all affairs immediately and permanently.
[ Independently according to him, then deleted everything] No Contact: Block the affair partner(s) on all platforms (phone, social media, email) and notify them that you are reconciling and must never be contacted again.
[ Prompting] Radical Transparency: Hand over all passwords to phone, email, and social media accounts. Agree to zero privacy regarding electronics for the foreseeable future.
[ Not that I am aware of ] Disclose All Contacts: Inform your partner of any contact if the affair partner breaks the "no contact" rule.
[ Prompted ] Health Safety: Get tested for STIs and provide the results to your partner.

2. Radical Truth and Accountability
[ Failed ] Eliminate "Trickle Truth": Stop lying. Do not hide information to "protect" your partner. Tell the full truth about all infidelities, including the "sordid details" if asked, as this is necessary for healing.
[ Half assed] Create a Detailed Timeline: Produce a written, detailed timeline of all affairs, including names, dates, locations, and methods of deception.
[ Independent ] Accept Full Responsibility: Eliminate all excuses (e.g., "you were too busy," "we weren't having sex"). Own the choice completely.
[ Not defensive but shuts down] No Defensiveness: Listen to your partner's pain, anger, and questions without getting defensive or attacking back.

3. Individual and Couple Recovery Work
[ Independent ] Individual Therapy: Engage in long-term individual counseling to understand why you are a serial cheater and address underlying attachment issues or narcissistic traits.
[ Independent ] Couple's Counseling: Attend sessions with a therapist specializing in infidelity. This is a "marital emergency".
[ Prompting ] Read Recovery Resources: Actively read books such as How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.
[ Not done ] Join support group for addiction

4. Ongoing Behavioral Changes (Rebuilding Trust)
[ Trying ] Be Predictable and Reliable: Do exactly what you say you will do, every time. If you say you will be home at 6:00, be home at 6:00.
[Prompting ] Active Reassurance: Proactively offer reassurance without being prompted, such as calling to check in or sharing your location.
[ N/a] Eliminate High-Risk Behaviors: Cancel boys/girls nights out, solo business trips, or situations that provide opportunities for infidelity.
[ Superficially "understands" ] Validate Pain: Acknowledge your partner's trauma, PTSD symptoms, and triggers. Do not tell them they are "taking too long" to heal.
[ The only people who know are my close friends ] Inform Social Circle (If Needed): If the affair was known, you must be willing to inform friends/family of your betrayal to restore your partner's reputation.

5. Long-Term Commitment
[ Still early ] Patience with the Process: Understand that reconciliation takes 18–24 months or longer.
[ Says he is all in regardless after months ] Detach from the Outcome: Understand that despite your best efforts, your partner may still decide to leave. True remorse means accepting their choice with grace.
[ Superficially when prompted ] Proactive Care: Actively nurture the relationship, re-establishing emotional and physical intimacy, and showing deep empathy.

Beachkoala, I saw you post on ICR and just want to offer anything that might help you at this time. I had read out loud your heartbreaking last sentence to my SAWH (Sex Addict Wayward Husband) this morning, in hope that somehow the truth of what he did to US might be reflected back to him in a new way (not my tired words he's heard a thousand times and ignores): your eloquently expressing the felt death of your marital bond FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE.

Sadly, as I've been stuck in this IHS for way too long - for all the wrong reasons - I've come to believe people like these truly lack the ABILITY to put themselves in another person's shoes long enough to "feel" the impact of their horrible choices. Also, the kind of emotionless infidelity they get into further dulls their human capacity to perceive, as does a lot of pornography.

I tried all the MC, book reading, talking, interrogating, waiting for noticeable change, for openness, for honest emotion, and did books' worth of internet searches (before SI! Sure wish I'd found this site in 2002-2003!) while I decided for economic reasons to socially provide him a second chance, even while we did not resume a marital relationship, so as not to blow up both of our lives totally...until 12 years later, when he was arrested ON MY BIRTHDAY for solicitng a prostitute! All that patience I granted him simply bought him more time in my life to be who he always was.

The property settlement I went for after his arrest divided real estate and bank accounts; not only was it a post nup, I had the lawyer include a timeframe for executing deeds of gift for the transfer of assets to "within 30 days from the date he would sign" my prepared "Marital Agrrement" (to stay legally married under the circumstances, as HE wanted. I was DONE after 17 years of THAT sorry M!) I wanted to get a preliminary D agreement in writing during his post-Discovery "shame cycle," while he was waiting for his court date and was expressing Regret to everybody, friends, neighbors, church, for being such a creep). It made the nightly local TV news!

Please don't follow my example, no matter how you handle this trauma. I tried toughing it out for well over a decade, and all I got besides the real estate is older and sadder. Internally, the change that my SAWH needed to make, he could not or would not. NOT that he continues to act out sexually...just that he lacks the ability to perceive, to deeply care, or to reciprocate. It's no way for us to live! The flat personality issue might predate the infidelity or it might be the result...not for you to deal with sorting that out. You are more valuable than that!

Sex addiction clinical therapist Patrick Carnes wrote a lot about these cases and said if they can make the deep changes they need to make, eventually their partner will detect it, but I never have been able to positively identify such changes, I just haven't found out any more damning evidence (in the last 12 years...but what about the 12 years before THAT? Same story!)

I really recommend finding a trauma-informed counselor for yourself and consider that the intimate bond has been destroyed, so while you work on healing and he works on his character flaws, etc, it will not turn into a fake-it-til-you-make-it act for YOU as it did for me. Believe me, they want that outcome! Can you have him move out? And see a few good lawyers, just for a "consultation." Around here, it might be a fee of an hour. Just ask for a family lawyer consult, don't ask them to be a Divorce attorney, just yet. And proceed better informed. Take back your power!

...I want to be able to say I did my best to try...

The bulk of the work in R falls squarely on the shoulders of the wayward spouse. You've offered the GIFT of reconciliation. You're giving him the opportunity to step up to the plate and deliver. THAT is the best any of us can do.

You already know that you won't be married to a cheater. If he's willing and able to own and fix his shit, you'll find out.

The best advice I've ever received on SI is to step back and detach from your WS, watch and observe what he does with the opportunity you've given to him. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

@Superesse

provide him a second chance, even while we did not resume a marital relationship, so as not to blow up both of our lives totally...until 12 years later, when he was arrested ON MY BIRTHDAY for solicitng a prostitute! All that patience I granted him simply bought him more time in my life to be who he always was.

I am so deeply sorry that this was your experience. I can only imagine how devastating this must have felt.

Internally, the change that my SAWH needed to make, he could not or would not. NOT that he continues to act out sexually...just that he lacks the ability to perceive, to deeply care, or to reciprocate.

This is what I think I'm most afraid of. I know the pattern throughout our relationship has been cheap talk with actions showing otherwise. I don't think he does have the capacity and that is so heartbreaking. I also know I can't do the rest of my life like that. I am deeply feeling.

I really recommend finding a trauma-informed counselor for yourself and consider that the intimate bond has been destroyed, so while you work on healing and he works on his character flaws, etc, it will not turn into a fake-it-til-you-make-it act for YOU as it did for me. Believe me, they want that outcome! Can you have him move out? And see a few good lawyers, just for a "consultation."

Thank you, my counselor has been so pivotal to my healing so far. She has known me since pre-kids and has been tremendously supportive as I go through this. Yeah I can't take it anymore, it's bad enough to be devastated and have to pretend everything is ok. In terms of moving out, I think that will most likely be the next step. I was considering doing meditation consultations. I have expressed to him that's the route I would ideally like to go.

@unhinged

The best advice I've ever received on SI is to step back and detach from your WS, watch and observe what he does with the opportunity you've given to him. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

I want to thank you so much for the gift of this. You wrote it on my first post and I know it was recent but it really has been such a relief to hear it's ok to detach and ive been able to do so since your response. I think that's why I am leaning the way I am, because I know the actions tell a different story then his words. I'm realizing they always have. I am definitely working on focusing on my nervous system and figuring out what I want. Thank you so much for the support

Beachkoala, it sounds like you are processing this as well as anyone could be expected to.

Most days I wake up and my first thought STILL is: I Want Out of Here...my second thought is: But this is My House, now! Shouldn't HE be the one to Move Out? But he clings on to my trying to just be peaceful towards him after all this, so I can get through each day, as if THAT was fixing the past! You are right to fear that outcome, it is an easy path to start down.

And this is where a lawyer can steady you as your desire to flee from the contamination of it all can be so overwhelming it can sort of "push" you to packing your bags, whereas the law in your state might advise you to have him be the one to move out. And truthfully he should do what YOU need to heal, if that means putting physical, daily distance between you, then so be it, despite what some fear and/or trauma bond you still have might prompt you towards. That's the "emotional roller coaster" many here talk about. The part the lawyers usually don't tell us is how to actually conduct those difficult discussions at home. I needed a lot of prayer, supportive friends IRL, and well-thought-out strategies to figure out how to proceed.

And then I got stuck in the "wait and see if he gets it" mode, once my economic situation was more stable. In hindsight, that was all my mistake.