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My husband was showing remorse. Was sitting with my pain for hours. Was tolerating my anger and violent behaviour. Was taking care of me. Became transparent. Gave me his bank account details. Opened joint account and put his money there. His words sound so promising. Started solo counselling to earn my trust. I was slowly healing. He booked a vacation for us to make the relationship better for this weekend for full week.

I found out 3 days back that he is still talking to the AP. I heard their conversation. She is shouting on him that he shown her so many dreams and he left her like this. He is saying I am still in contact with you. She is crying, he is consoling. She is asking for reassurance and hopes. He says he is uncertain but says he will go and meet her in December. And he is talking so ill about me that I am money minded. That he doesn't care if I leave him. He has given me a free hand clearly to stay or leave. He is done with the turmoil, the rift.

Now I handle all his social media accounts and have changed passwords. And he informed about this to her. She is sending the video call screenshot to messenger showing they are talking for 50 min. My husband says she is instigating me.

When I confronted my husband for the calls, he completely denied. He took false swear on me, my daughter, God. When I said I have proof, he said he was just asking her that why she was sending those instigating things when she knows my wife was seeing them.

She is threatening him on call that if I send this intimate video to your wife, your relationship will be over. My husband had a heated talk with her but still he is talking again and again. He secretly installs a video calling app when he goes to office and then uninstalls it later. He learnt hiding better. He did the same thing when he started betraying me second time in 2022. It feels like he will never leave her. 1 month back, He went to Argentina for 2 weeks and talked to her constantly from there. In the conversation she is asking him to send her a TV and he is saying that he will chose it for her but can't purchase and ship as his wife has all account details now.

At the same time He says, he has come to know the true colors of AP and wants to come out. Says, it was a long relationship so he needs more time to come out of it. Said that you are also taking time to come out of this trauma, same way he is also reducing conversation with her. He brought it to .5% from 100%.

I am shattered again. I am back to zero. He says he is talking because she is threatening him. but that doesn't look like the case.

Please advise me. I wanted to stay genuinely thinking about future and my baby. But looks like, he doesn't deserve us.

Also, please advise me a good audio recorder for his car, which can not be found by him and will cancel the car noise. Also, where to place it.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 9:56 PM, Saturday, August 1st]

It seems like it is time to let your WW go, or at least move in that direction. He has betrayed you now twice, once with the affair and once with the false reconciliation. Let him know that you will not tolerate him even thinking about the AP, much less talking with her.

As for putting a recording device in his car, what exactly is it you hope to learn? You already know he has maintained contact. What more do you need?

I think you need to put your foot down and be ready to walk away, otherwise you will end up in a game of pick me.

False R is brutal. Just as you get your hopes up, he burns it down to the ground.

I am so sorry.

He has shown you who he is. And his is a cake eater - he wants to have his cake (you) and the AP.

Are you in IC?

You deserve better. And the only person you can control is you. Please consider leaving him since he is not going to change.

My advice to you is that you can’t trust your WH.

He’s a liar. He’s definitely lying to you, right? The false swear on you, your daughter and God? And if he’s not lying to you, he’s lying to AP. My guess is he’s lying to both of you.

First: you needing time to heal from the trauma of his GIGANTIC betrayal is not the same as him needing time to end his affair. For one thing, your healing cannot begin until his A is over. And for so long as he is in contact with her, his A is not over. But more to the point, IT’S NOT OVER. He’s still talking to her all the time (not buying the 0.5% thing). He’s still buying her things. He’s still making plans to see her. He’s talking badly about you to her. THE A IS NOT OVER.

Second: his A is not over, in case that wasn’t clear enough. Look, I’m sure it is hard to break off a 5 year relationship. But he’s not breaking it off. His AP may very well have a right to be upset. I’m sure he did show her a lot of dreams. Too bad. He can either take care of your feelings or hers. He can’t do both. He is still behaving out of concern for her. That’s an indication that he hasn’t ended the A.

How is she threatening him? By saying she’s going to provide you with information? He can neutralize that threat by simply telling you the information first. He should do that anyway. Come to think of it, he should tell you what she is threatening him with no matter what.

None of us can tell you how to get him to stop lying or to stop his A. The only thing that seems to work (sometimes) is letting him know that he has crossed your boundary and proceeding to walk away. You do that by delivering the "Sandwich Speech", implementing the 180 and seeing an attorney. Here’s part of a thread on the Sandwich Speech: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667020/trying-to-keep-calm-understanding-and-be-kind-but-im-so-hurt/?ap=201 (it’s page 11 of Petecarparts thread).

My advice to you is in there.

I don’t have any experience with VARs. From what I’ve read elsewhere, you should not buy a cheap one (people seem to recommend Sony brand ones) and you should get heavy duty Velcro to attach it. There’s an Investigative Tips section of this site which is available if you upgrade. I tend to agree with ForceOfWill though, you already know he’s not stopping the A. I’m sure when you first caught him you told him he needed to end it or you’d leave him, right? Well he didn’t end it. Now you’re letting him negotiate your boundary, and make excuses, and try to change what you’ll accept. If you let him, your boundaries will never be respected.

Time for the Sandwich Speech.

You don’t need any proof. You already know what is going on.

My advice - set him free. Remove yourself from this triangle and drama.

He’s continued to lie & cheat.

You deserve better. I’d suggest your own counselor to support you and help you formulate a plan to get out from this life of living with infidelity.