Thanks Asterisk! Cautious about telling my story although it’s not much different from some others on here.
Like you I’m one of the older folks here and as per my sig mine happened in 1993 before so many resources were available to guide and assist with the fallout.
Don’t know if it’s better or worse but my wife didn’t have an affair because she fell for someone else, her reason for cheating was to punish me for not paying enough attention to her. She said if I didn’t want her she’d find someone that did which was a coworker.
I was in a tough military training course that lasted 14 months and she did this at 11 months.
I did not give her enough attention true but I told her before I started the course that it would take up a lot of my time and I needed her to be strong for this period because this would in the end give us a better life. I’ve been reading here long enough to know what she did was 100% on her, she had other options. She could’ve sat me down and warned me about how she felt or if she was that unhappy she could’ve divorced me!
My son was 10 at the time so I stayed for him, I was going to leave her when he was 18 but he started at a large university and I wanted to support him along with my wife since he commuted from home.
When he was a junior my wife was diagnosed with a very dibilating disease so I’ve stayed with her to take care of her.
We’re best friends but I am unable to be a husband to her, I’ve tried and tried but it’s not possible, I’ve told her that and she understands to a certain extent. We get along well and enjoy each others company and live near our grandkids so life is pretty good.
When she told me what she did I was in shock, never thought she’d hurt me so bad to punish me, to my dying day I will never understand!
I couldn’t tell my chain of command because I would’ve been pulled from the training and possibly never get back into it. For every person that got in there were over 20 waiting to get in so you had to stay on top of your game or be replaced!
I didn’t tell anyone and to this day my wife and I are the only ones to know about her infidelity. I did a good job of burying the pain deep down inside and hoping it would stay there forever but I was wrong. Years later it’s come back to haunt me!
We never talked about it, my wife acted like it never happened. I kept waiting for her to sit me down and tell me why she did this to me but she never did. I realize now the many mistakes I made getting through this.
I had a big trigger several years ago, we were traveling near where this happened and man it was like it just happened. I think that must be what a panic attack is like! I told my wife we have to talk about this now, I can’t take this not knowing anymore. My mind games were terrible, what did she do with him? What was he like? Better looking, smarter, did they laugh about me? Did she tell him about our problems?
I had to threaten to tell our son about her infidelity to get her to talk! And realize this was 31 years after it happened and it hurt like it had just happened!
She slept with him twice. She did this while I was doing night training and our son spent the night with our friends kids. She said drugs and alcohol were involved. She said she regrets it and she sorry she hurt me but there were no tears of remorse, in fact there were no tears at all! She said she was a different person back then, I told her I was too but the person was back then never would’ve done this to her!
I actually got her to read the book "How to help your spouse hear from your affair". I was shocked that she agreed to read it! After reading it she told me she would listen if I ever wanted to talk about what happened but she thought I was over the past. She doesn’t like to talk about what happened and I understand her reluctance but she’ll never understand that I need her to talk to help me heal!
Anyway, enough for now, thanks again Asterisk!
