SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

3 days ago my spouse said he had to go for some lab tests. When he came home, he admitted the tests had been for STD. I asked him why the urologist required that type of test since neither of us had ever been with another person.

I was so wrong. He told me he had been frequenting strip clubs and it had escalated to actual physical sex, multiple times, multiple years. Unprotected, for the excitement.

He has endangered himself, and me. I am at an even higher risk due to medical issues and medications that suppress my immune system. He offered to leave, knowing he was entirely in the wrong. Also knowing his grown children would likely have nothing more to do with him.

I don't know how I can trust him in the future, but I do want to save our marriage and relationship. We will be married 40 years soon. At the same time, I know just like the guy who beats his wife and promises to never do it again, this is an addiction and we both need help.

At this moment, he has refused to even look for a marriage counselor. It is very difficult to find competent mental health in the area. We have family and friends who have struggled with finding help, and have not found it.

I have no one I can talk to this about. Certainly not my children. We live in a very rural area where everybody knows everybody. I can't trust talking to a friend for fear of something slipping out to the wrong person. I so need a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but the shoulder I depended on is the one that betrayed me.

If this had been an aldultrous affair,I could at least make him write a letter of never meeting up again, except the isn't just one OW.

I go through each day trying to pretend everything is fine in front of the kids. My son and his growing family of very young children live with us.

I think I just need to hear someone with a similar story and how they moved forward. signed,devastatednlostnlonel

devastatednlostnlonely,

I'm sorry you're going through this.
You're in a safe space here, we've all gone through various shades of this. Many have gone through a situation similar to yours.

You don't need marriage counseling (yet). You both need individual counselors, and you should look for one who specializes in betrayal trauma. There are plenty online, and I can confirm that it is very helpful.

You don't need to make any decisions right away. If you need some space, make him leave. Space can be very helpful to let your mind rest.

There is a lot of great information here about what not to do after finding out. I encourage you to look around. You did nothing wrong and you are not the reason he cheated. Do not blame yourself.

Hi sister,

It doesn’t really matter if it’s one woman or many women he betrayed you with, not at least for what concerns reconciliation and healing (it does expose you to greater disgust and health risks though).

What I mean is that the reconciliation is only possible with a changed person, and the change doesn’t come from "performative" actions, but from inner will only.

There are things a wayward does to change? Absolutely.

But the biggest thing is from where those actions originate.

From his remorse, then this means a likelihood of him changing.

From his shame… that’s not good, is a performance to preserve his ego and reputation and manage your suffering, instead of healing his and helping you to heal your trauma and wounds.

Is a big difference.

Apparently he is not even in this lane though, from what you write he seems avoidant, running away from any confrontation or accountability. Of course leaves you in charge of the decision, so he will be always able to rewrite his narrative as him being the victim, not the abuser willing and capable to inflict sexual and emotional abuse on his wife.

Because that’s his true reflection in the mirror, and he can’t stand it.

This premise is not reconciliation material. Nobody deserves a second chance after this, that’s a gift nobody is entitled to, and an unremorseful cheater will just spit on it, manipulating your bleeding attachment into becoming a "pick me dance", which never works.

Breathe deeply. Rest. Try to eat and sleep.
I know what you’re going through and I know you can make it. Regain your center, your peace, your self respect and love.

You must put yourself first and understand that you are the prize.
Set your boundaries accordingly.

It will help you to reframe it all in a more positive perspective for your healing.

Wow , I am sorry to hear what you’re going through. That is so hurtful. The thing is , he has to be willing to fix himself for any relationship to be saved. This is not something you can just let go and move on and sweep under the rug. It has to be dealt with - I agree that you both need individual therapy and that you need to set some boundaries with him about communication / location moving forward. He needs to cut off any friends that he might be going to these disgusting places with, etc. what those boundaries are depend on you - but don’t let him get away with you agreeing to keep working on the relationship without him having any consequence / change in lifestyle.
Remember to eat, sleep , and drink water. You are experiencing a deep trauma and it’s going to take time for you to feel regulated again. Focus on taking care of yourself - you don’t have to make any decisions right away. You have a community here- although none of us wanted to be a part of this group , I feel very supported when I post here.

Find in Forums I Can Relate and look for Emotionless Infidelity.

Very sorry you are enduring this betrayal. If you haven’t, please get a complete health screening. He has endangered your health. You have received great advice so far. You have been heard. Understand, that if he was frequenting strip clubs and prostitutes, it’s very likely others know of his activities. It’s not a secret, except from you. Always value yourself. You will get through this. Do seek IC for yourself. Good luck.

Welcome to the club that no one ever thought they would be in. I am so sorry you are going through this especially after 40 years together

First things first, please call your doctor and request a full battery of STD tests. Your health comes first.

Now I might be the outlier here but the fact your husband came to you proactively is a positive sign IMO. No I am not justifying what he did. I am assuming he does not know the results yet? If not, he could have waited for the results and if there was a positive then he may have come to you with his confession, but he did it before knowing the results, I'm assuming

He also could have waited for the results and if they were negative he could have kept it to himself but this would probably have emboldened him to keep going

I told my wife had she come to me and said we need to talk, this is what I have been doing, is there any way for us to work this out, we would have been starting our R from a much better place. But she didn't, because she felt no shame or guilt. IMO she loved the attention and sexual tension. To her it was "harmless flirting." I got lucky when I discovered what she was doing and AFAIK the only physical contact was one time when he "accidentally" stumbled while getting up from sitting on a table top and "somehow" she managed to be standing in front of him and "somehow" his hand managed to land on her ass. When she told me I laughed in her face and said you cannot be this F'ing naive. It wasn't an accident, he was testing your response, and since you didn't react negatively, I'm guessing you reacted positively, he knew you were game.

I too suggest you skip the MC and focus on finding an IC for yourself. He needs to start IC as well to figure out why he allowed such a thing to happen and until he has fixed himself, he cannot be trusted. Please do not let him sweep this under the rug because that never works long-term. The problems just fester and fester until one day everything explodes

If you need to lean on your children for support, do it. He created a situation, he can deal with the consequences. If his children walk away from him, that's all on him, none of that is your fault. You need to do whatever it takes for you to be happy, to feel safe, to feel secure, to feel loved.

This forum is full of people that have been on the painful side of infidelity and you will receive some great advice. Right now you are still in the shock phase and it takes a long time to slowly dissipate. You do not need to make any decisions right now. If you need him to do something or not do something, tell him. A truly remorseful spouse will drag their naked butt through a mile of broken glass if that's what it takes to help repair the damage

Devastated.....It may be very lonely where you are, but you're far from alone. Both here and in life in general. Whether it helps to know that or not, I don't know, but a surprising number of people do the kind of dastardly stuff your husband has done. I don't know why he told you at this point, maybe because you found out about the STD and he just can't lie that away, or maybe he's tired of being this person who sucks....and people who act like him DO suck.....Personally, I'd like to know if I were you, why he confessed at all after lying for so many years.

I understand being with someone a long time, 40 years is a long time. There's a name for this kind of financial concept - sunk costs, I think it's called, where you put so much into something over such a long period of time that you can't imagine leaving because.....you put so much into something for such a long time. But do you REALLY love this guy at this point, and why? Do YOU really want to continue this marriage as a relationship or just as a front because it's convenient, you have a family, a house, a social front, pensions, whatever....that's okay if you do, just understand why you would want to stay. Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of being shamed, that divorce is shame? Is it a religious thing too? All of these things matter but to me, the bottom line is....you should also be willing to consider divorce because your husband has made a lie of your marriage for many years. All the things we expect from marriage he has willingly defiled. Even if you want to stay married and try to heal this, get past it....you should still be able to openly consider divorce because otherwise you become a hostage in a marriage that really isn't a marriage....it's a mirage. Even the serious threat of divorce becomes a lever for change in him.

I don't even know what change in him would entail because....how do you trust a man who has led such an extensive, really in my opinion, degraded life, that has endangered both of you. Physically, emotionally, possibly financially, maybe socially if this had got out. The way he has lived secretly from you is degraded. Can you really accept that this is the man you still want at this point and how would you even assess that kind of change? Can you look at him the same way now as you did?

Don't rush into reconciliation. Consider divorce, I think it's often the best option because I don't know how many marriages can really survive revelations like this AS a real marriage. Yes, maybe because you need a place to live, the kids, the assets, it's familiar, that's all okay as long as you understand that's what it is. But love, trust, affection, respect....those should be part of marriage too, I think the main part of marriage. Realistically I don't know if you can get that back. I would talk to a lawyer to see what divorce would look like for you....you should at least know these things.

As far as counseling it can be really hard to get a good counselor for all the reasons you know. I might suggest on line counseling services, they are available and might help. At least it would give each of you - and you probably should have separate counseling at this point, in my opinion - a sounding board for your feelings and ideas and help you each to clarify how you feel about yourselves, each other and the marriage at this point, and help you determine how to move forward.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's a terrible disappointment, crushing I think, to discover that one's spouse is a very different person than we thought. TO me this negates the idea of marriage, but that's just my opinion, it might not work for you, but I want to offer this. ALSO KNOW THAT NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT - THIS IS ALL ON HIM. Just in case that ever comes up and it does come up as a defense surprisingly often. Don't accept that.....this was all his choice. Maybe he can change now, but....do you stil love this person? Only you can decide.

Also, Devastated.....I think others have pointed out....you don't have to decide ANYTHING right away. It takes time just to sort out one's feelings, much less actual life details. And how you feel now, may not be how you feel in a month or a year. Allow yourself room to change, grow, learn. Right now, as is common, you may be in a rush to heal this over and go back to whatever "normal" is as soon as possible but as time goes by you may have other and different feelings, and this is fine and normal. Go easy on yourself whatever you do, and try to take the best care possible of yourself. Allow room for change and for fluctuation - it's all very normal. And remember, you don't have to stay in this marriage if that becomes your choice. You do what's best for YOU.