SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 12 weeks since I discovered my partner of over 10 years had been cheating on me. The other woman found me and messaged me; he had lied to her too, meeting her on a dating website 5 months prior and telling her he was single and looking for a long term relationship.

I was oblivious; we are middle aged and he was a kind, gentle man, we lived together and spent a lot of time together and had a fun life, I had no idea he would be capable of such deception, both to me and the other woman.

I confronted him, but I didn't disclose much about what the other woman had told me, and he denied, deflected, minimised and lied about the affair, stating I was getting it out of perspective.

He left the day after; I have reached out a couple of times to tell him my pain and upset and asking for an honest account from him, but when he tries to reflect, he stutters, deflects, changes the subject or tells a stupid lie about the other woman that makes no sense.

He had apologised for the deep hurt he has caused me but he just won't take accountability, or show remorse. He talks about the 5 months of deception, lies, and affair as a series of 'bad decisions', 'the situation', 'what's happened'. As if he physically cannot let a single word of admission leave his lips.

I am doing a lot of research into his behaviour, why he would behave in such a cruel way? I gave him opportunities whilst we were together to leave if he wasn't happy. I'd asked him not to cheat on me, to please talk to me first and to leave before embarking on a new relationship. I think this is one of the most painful things as he ignored that emotional heartfelt request.

Anyway, 12 weeks and I am still bursting into tears, all the time - hoping he will call, or email me to explain his actions. But he doesn't, he won't, and I am devastated.

[This message edited by Lavenderbag at 5:19 PM, Sunday, November 1st]

Lavenderbag,

I am so sorry you have become a member of the best club no one ever wanted to join.

Your WP’s behavior is not uncommon. Through his words and actions, he has shown you that he is not sorry that he cheated. At most, he’s simply sorry that he got caught. It doesn’t even sound like he’s asking for forgiveness or a second chance. If I’m right about that, then this sounds to me like an exit affair. And it brings me no joy to say this, but I have to wonder if it’s even his first infidelity.

I doubt he will be ever able to explain his actions in a satisfactory way. Signing up for a dating service is unambiguous. None of the usual "I wasn’t looking for it, it just happened." No, he specifically sought out a romantic partner. The very simple explanation is that he did it because he wanted to.

It sucks. I was left for someone else too. She told me that "we [meaning her and her AP] need to see if what they had was real." No apology.

How I got through it was to focus on myself. I hit the gym like a maniac and spent time with friends. I wish I had used a therapist. I didn’t see one until much later in life, and I regret not doing so sooner. They really help. Are you seeing anyone?

If you’re crying all the time, you may need to see a doctor to get anti-depressants. They might give you sleep aids as well, or anti-anxiety medication.

Don’t do this alone. Have you told the people close to you?

Closure is overrated. My own experience is that those conversations have left me feeling worse not better. He went on a dating site looking for a long-term relationship, left you once caught and is ghosting you. I suggest you consider telling him you would prefer to never see or hear from him again. Say goodbye to his family if you were close to them and don’t be afraid to say why you’ve split. And above all, focus on your own healing.

I’m so sorry that you’re suffering. Keep posting here, you will survive this, as so many of us have.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 2:39 AM, Monday, November 2nd]

There are spouses (men and women) who leave immediately and ghost the bs. I don’t remember the book title but it was written by a bs. These people usually have another life planned.

Please let go of him. See a therapist to help. As suggested, you might need some meds for anxiety and sleep

See a lawyer immediately. You need info.

You will find good folks on here. Use their experiences and knowledge.

I’m so sorry your partner has become a coward.

You deserve better than this. He could at least give you some closure which might help you to move on.

Maybe a professional therapist is in order.

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience, Lavendarbag. My WH is also someone that people would describe as the "good guy." Calm, kind, can make friends with anyone - so it shocked me deeply when he came home and admitted to me he had feelings for someone else.

D-day was October 1, so not much time has passed, but he does not seem interested in reconciliation at all. He left the night he told me about the affair to stay with a friend and is still there. He is unable to say the word divorce and instead says platitudes like "I want to move forward in kindness, and the kindest thing for me to do is let you go to start healing," and "I need to learn how to be alone." When I challenge him on this; his response is "i’m sorry if that’s not the right choice of words!"

I’m not suggesting you go and investigate, but through his friends and family (because yes, he did tell several other people about the affair before me), i’ve learned that there is/were a lot of things he was saying about our relationship behind my back. The OW also gave him an ultimatum: get your life together (aka; get rid of me), or I won’t wait for you.

Again, just like you, I gave him multiple outs. We were in couples therapy from Jan-July of this year, and he did not bring up any issue in our relationship that would make me think he was seeking an out. We had a breech of trust in May of this year, and the day after it happened I asked him "are you trying to get me to leave you?" and he said "no!"

I agree with letmebefrank, this sounds like an exit affair. It is so deeply painful and disorienting. He was planning a life without you behind your back - no explanation he provides will even be good enough because that’s simply not something a person with integrity does.

I see a therapist once a week, go on long walks and try to hang out with my friends as much as possible. I also started telling people what was going on with me - I had tried to hide it because I was embarrassed or wanted to protect my WH, but the more I openly talk, the more I realize how deeply fucked up what he did was.

Please keep talking to people here, so many of them have been a huge support to me. Lean on your support network and let them carry you. People want to show up for you.

Thanks all for replying.
-Its hard isn't it, to reconcile the person you thought you were in a relationship with, with this new, not very nice person, you are suddenly confronted with.
It's just so surreal how capable some people are at deception and to kind, caring people too.
-I'm not sure it was an exit affair, I can't be sure. There was no decline in affection and companionship, but he didn't have the guts to tell me what was going on, he waited till the shit the fan. I confronted him, he lied, and he left.
He doesn't have the other woman, or the comfort of a nice house, or the love and support of someone who adored him, but he hasn't made any effort either.
I have read about a certain character type; he never really showed much emotion, not a great deal of empathy, a bit of an unemotional rock tbh, but he was kind and giving and did lots of nice things for people. He was an intelligent man but said things that didn't always make sense to me, sometimes the logic was a bit off or he contradicted himself.
Anyway, apparently this is a thing, someone who can compartmentalise and then successfully lead a double life, the thrill of the secret and success of having cake and eating it. And then when it's discovered the shame is too much and he's become a coward, unable to face the truth. I think this is what I might be dealing with!

Letmebefrank - sorry to hear your account too but I'll take your advice about a therapist. I have been deliberately whether I need one or not but I don't want to have a regret when I guess it can only be helpful.

Stayg0lden - thanks for sharing, yes it is very early days for you. Some really helpful tips I've had which is good for this period of shock, is to just get through the day, that's all. One little thing at a time so that you get to the end of the day, and watch an episode of your favourite TV show. That's what I was concentrating on for the first 2 months and it really helped to have something to look forward to at the end of an exhausting day thinking about, Why did he do it...

Wife Abandonment Syndrome might be what he is doing. You are not alone. A wife has written a book about it.
If he wanted to come back he would.
Please take care of yourself.

One thing to keep in mind that can/might bring some comfort:

People can change with time. Both in positive and negative ways.
The fact he started an affair those months ago, with some build-up period previous to that, doesn’t mean he was a bad or faulty person for the plus nine years leading to that. The good years don’t become bad years. You are allowed to see him as "good" and a partner for that time. Doesn’t mean those years were wasted, except in the sense they didn’t lead to the future you expected.
Just like he changed for the worse, he could change for the better. But that’s totally dependent on him, and IMHO you shouldn’t be waiting in some hope he does. If he does, and if he wants this relationship, he will come back running and willing to do what is required.

As others have said, welcome to the club that no one thought they would ever be a member of

All of us can understand what you are feeling because we have been there. Were you to ask any of our family and friends if my wife could do what she did the resounding answer would have been hell no, you are crazy for even thinking it. Yet, here we are

When I confronted my wife she gave the typical responses. First was minimization, she told me that I was giving it far too much weight, it was no big deal. When that didn't work she switched to anger, she accused me of having secrets. At one point she said and what secrets do YOU have that I don't know about? To which I replied none, you know everything about me. You know my hopes dreams goals aspirations fears fantasies, everything

I was a stuttering train wreck and she just sat there with her arms crossed shooting daggers at me with her eyes. Never once did she show an ounce of remorse or regret. The best I got after an hour-long conversation was I am sorry this upset you, and she said it with empathy. She was mad that I discovered her fun little secret

The next morning she was still mad at me and when she came home from work that afternoon I said I need time to think, I cannot do that bumping into you, I will not spend all weekend staring at the ground. I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave, there is a suitcase upstairs, please leave

She stared at me for a few seconds, walked upstairs, pack the bag, walk downstairs and said something to our two older boys, walked into the kitchen and said I'm leaving, I said okay, and she walked out

When we met two days later to discuss the next steps which I assumed was divorce she was completely opposite. She looked like a train wreck, but we were far from being on the road to R.

For a while my wife referred to her Affair as the incident and I finally got fed up and said you can't even call it what it was

When I asked what did you think would happen if I found out her response for a few months was I never thought about it which hurt a lot. To me it meant she didn't care what the consequences may be. To me it meant if he finds out and we get divorced oh well, no big deal

Finally she was able to admit that she thought I would just get upset, be upset for a little while, get over it, life would go on, no harm no foul. Our relationship had gotten to the point where she took me for granted, she thought no matter what, I would always stay. But that Friday afternoon when she came home from work and I said I need you to leave the house, she began to realize that she may very well have destroyed our relationship

At what point she said placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault to which I replied I did nothing wrong, this is 100% on you. You made the decision to do what you did. She said so over the years all the things you have done wrong, you don't think they play a part in this and I said no. If you were unhappy you could have left

Until my wife was able to take 100% accountability for what she did, our R was at a standstill.

We are 31 months out and our relationship is better. We had a big setback months back but we're still working through that

Until your husband is able to face you and take accountability the relationship cannot be fixed. The best you could hope for is rug sweeping which never works, eventually the problems reappear tenfold worse

Your best next step may be talking with an attorney just to see where you stand and letting your husband know that you're having that conversation. He might be hoping that eventually you'll just let it go and he doesn't have to face what he did. You letting him know that you have a consultation set up with an attorney may prompt him to face what he did

You have found a great place for advice and support