Doing the 'pick me' dance and struggling
DD#2 was three weeks ago, so while I'm divorcing my husband, and I've been through this before, I'm having a hard time with 'just found out' emotions.
Last night my husband shared more details about his latest affair, and while the first was a fling with a friend, I learned that the recent affair started far earlier than he'd told me before. And it was in his mind a deep, meaningful love relationship with a longtime friend (that we both know), where he had been planning to leave me for her on January 2.
This hit me like a ton of bricks, as while the rational part of me knows I need to move on from this person. I now see we had false R for 12 years, and the fact that he shifts blame for the affair to me along with a host of other things, make me know I am better off without him. And on most days for the past three week, I've felt that way.
But some other part of me realized last night that I've been rejected, wholly and completely, by someone I loved for more than 25 years. He's distraught at losing our kids, his home, the dogs, etc., and he's sad that our marriage didn't have a happy ending, but he seems at peace with losing me. It's hard to accept that he stopped loving me a long time ago and has been in love with someone else. I feel rejected, hurt, and used, and the hit to my self esteem is enormous. Which I know is crazy, but the rivers of tears and my swollen eyes tell a different story.
I've re-read all the great posts for new members of SI and all the 'just found out' stuff, but I welcome any insight that will help me figure out how to let go of him. I'm in IC and told my husband last night I can have no further contact with him, but I'm still unable to let go in my head or heart of someone who knew he was hurting me and chose to do it anyway.
8 comments posted: Sunday, January 19th, 2025
Are memories tarnished forever?
I'm not quite two weeks out from DD#2, the implosion of my family and college age kids' lives, and starting the divorce process.
I have twenty-five years of building a family and life with my STBXH, and it's no surprise that the memories of "us" - dating, when he proposed, our wedding, being young and in love and fixing up our first house together, etc. - are incredibly painful.
But even the memories of things that weren't specifically about him - like the birth of our first child, putting my daughter on the bus on the first day of kindergarten, special times with the kids - are completely raw, too. I can handle the idea that my feelings about places and moments that were specifically about him may never bring me joy again, but I can't bear the thought of losing all joy from memories of the kids and me.
For those of you who have been through a divorce, will I ever be able to reclaim the memories of the kids and our family life? In an instant, my perspective on the last 25 years of my life changed. I'm sure I'll get to a point where the old memories don't cause pain...but will they ever bring me joy again?
7 comments posted: Friday, January 10th, 2025
Is This Blame-Shifting?
I'm divorcing my husband after DD#2, which was uncovered by my college-aged kids. They are not speaking to their father and have not responded to the two message he's sent them since his affair / our marriage / the family blew up 10 days ago.
Last night STBXH texted me the following: "it's too bad that I've lost you and the kids. It's sad, and honestly somewhat disappointing that the kids have shut me out. I thought we had a better relationship than this. But it is what it is. I'll never stop trying with them."
The more I think about it, the more this message angers me and also makes me sad for my husband's emotional inabilities. Saying "the kids have shut me out" makes the kids the aggressors and him the victim, when it's his actions that led to this situation. And the "I thought we had a better relationship than this" also feels like subtly shifting blame to the kids for not being there for him during his time of need.
I haven't responded to STBXH yet, but now that I'm seeing his narcissism with clear eyes, I feel a need to respond or point this out to him. There's no reason for me to hold back at this point, and maybe my pointing out his blame-shifting will eventually help him be more self-aware. Or maybe not, but for the kids' sake I should give it a try.
What do you see in his text message, and how would you respond?
29 comments posted: Wednesday, January 8th, 2025
Second time around
My husband had an affair 12 years ago, and I had thought we'd reconciled. Seven weeks ago, however, my husband informed me that he felt no connection or intimacy with me, and he was leaving to have time alone to figure things out. I suspected there might be more to the story, and sure enough, over the past week I've pieced together unusual behavior, based on cell phone logs and calls to a family friend who is also a colleague.
Turns out that our college aged daughter, who is home on Christmas break, also picked up on something and was independently investigating. She found incriminating text messages last night, which she shared with her older brother, who confronted my husband / their dad today. He denied everything, but once I realized what the kids had found, I asked him a yes / no question: are you having an inappropriate relationship with OW? He denied it to me, and I asked him to leave.
Having been here once before, and now wondering whether there have been even more affairs that I don't yet know about, I've already contacted a divorce attorney and am going to celebrate the arrival of 2025 by starting my new, single life. I've also shared with my family, as well as my mother in law - and I called the OW's husband to share with him.
H emailed the kids tonight to admit to the inappropriate relationship and to apologize for hurting them and for how they found out. One kid is angry about the email and wonders why he's apologizing to them but not to me. And the other kid won't even read the email.
While I could say that I've wasted the last 12 years of my life on what turned out to be false R, I'm thankful for having used that time to raise two awesome kids and for many moments that I think were truly happy. And after 26 years together, it's time to move on. I can't be more grateful for my kids, who found definitive proof and stood up for what they knew was right.
Sad and stunned to be in this place again, but truly relieved to have the weight of wondering "is he, isn't he?" lifted from my shoulders. Just wanted to share my story and ask for support during a tough time.
15 comments posted: Sunday, December 29th, 2024
Separating (not by choice) - where to start?
My husband had a brief affair 12 years ago, and this forum and all of you were a godsend. Thanks to that plus lots of work and change, we remained married and things were good..or so I thought.
We became empty nesters in September, and I thought we were enjoying this new chapter in our lives, until on Sunday my husband told me he's been unhappy for years, feels unloved, unappreciated, unsupported, and on. He said he needed space to sort through his thoughts about whether the marriage can be saved and even if it can, whether it makes sense to try. He left and is planning to be out of the house indefinitely. We don't have a structure or guidelines or anything in place to help us navigate separation.
This was a total surprise to me. I'm stunned and blindsided, and I don't know where to start besides talking to a therapist, so I have that scheduled.
I haven't told my parents (who would be a huge source of emotional support to me), because I know once I share this news, there's no going back as far as their opinion of him, us, me.
We haven't told our college kids, as this news is three days old, but I have no idea when or how to broach that.
I want to reach out to friends for support but also am wary of sharing personal and private news too broadly right now, especially when the kids don't know.
The only bright spot is that financially I'm secure, independent of him.
For those of you who have been there, what advice do you have? How do I take care of myself and protect my kids, when I'm hanging in limbo?
10 comments posted: Thursday, November 14th, 2024
