Assumptions by others that it is the H that strays?
Hi Everyone,
Just wanted to get everyone's thoughts on unhelpful assumptions and advice given by others when they find out about an A.....
So long story short, my FWW came clean about her long term affair during the 2020 covid lockdowns (August) with the help of her therapist. I was completely blindsided and had absolutely no idea that anything had been going on. My FWW was always *very* vanilla with me in bed, with even OS off the table.
During the process of coming clean, I discovered that their affair was *very* different to her actions in our M, with sex acts perpetually denied to me, given freely and frequently to the AP. As you can imagine, this was extremely difficult to deal with and comprehend.
There is another (extremely) long thread somewhere here that goes through all of that in all the gory details..... sufficed to say that the R did not stick, and we have parted ways.
As part of the separation and D process, FWW and I agreed that for the sake of our children, we would refrain from assigning blame etc, and simply tell others (friends and other than close family who know the full details) that we separated and divorced "due to infidelity".
It seems that without fail, the usual assumption is that I was the one who strayed. I then get a stream of unhelpful advice, suggestions on how I might "win her back", or "prove myself to her".... I simply respond that "I was the one who asked her to leave" and leave it at that. but.... there is so much I want to say.... to scream out how she debased herself to her AP everytime they were together, whilst playing the chaste straight laced wife at home.
So I was wondering how do you all deal with this, also, to help lift my mood, share any unhelpful advice you might have been given?
Looking forward to having a laugh at this difficult time of year.
Cheers,
AN.
30 comments posted: Sunday, January 5th, 2025
Grieving what was, and what will never be.
Hi!
I'm not sure how to past a link to my past threads on my story, but the 20c version is, WW cheated with AP, willingly and enthusiastically engaged in multiple sexual acts with AP that have always been verboten in our sexlife (many of which would be considered vanilla to most), leaving passionless starfish sex for me, and almost anything goes with AP. DD was orchestrated during the depths of covid lockdowns between WW and her IT, with me being broadsided by WW and IT during one of her sessions. IT and WW had worked out strategy, along with a reconciliation pathway for us both to commence, and with covid, I wasn't going anywhere, so I was initially trading the path laid out for me.
R was difficult, with the sex acts freely offered to AP still emphatically denied in our bedroom. WW maintained that she was "playing a role" and that "other person" was "not her". Feel free to read the other thread (perhaps a mod can link to it - It was titled
"Not sure I can move past this..."
As you can imagine, things have not worked out, and I had decided to call time on the marriage, however for finance and child raising responsibilities, this has been difficult.
Things have been, as you would expect, quite up and down. WW and I are awaiting the 12 month timeframe to finalise divorce as is required here, but our assets and finances are largely separate at this point. We are still co-habitating, with WW taking over the guest room. Prior to the decision day, WW and I were seeing separate IC's individually, and a separate MC and Sex Therapist (ST) together, with individual sessions as required.
After the decision to split, I have continued with IC and ST (as an individual) to help my mental health and attitudes. WW has also continued ST and IC as she recognised her attitudes were unhealthy for her.
The ST has been good. As you can imagine, our case is a little different, as we are seeing the ST separately (as we are splitting), which means that we have only had 3 sessions where we were together. Personally, I have found the ST to be extremely useful in unpacking some of the sexual baggage I didn't even know I had! Some of my attitudes towards sex were unhelpful, although not nearly as puritanical as my WW was.
WW is finding ST challenging (so she tells me), as she is being faced with the idea that the "sexual monster" that she let loose (as she referred to it), is not a separate person or character, but is an innate part of who she is, and one she needs to embrace if she is to have healthy sexual relationships moving forward.
This has led to an unexpected reaction on my part - after I reached the realization that even if WW becomes healthier in her sexual life and attitudes, I will never experience those things from her. Her AP had that - but not me! I have had to grieve the sexual relationship with my wife that I will never experience. She will work through her puritanical attitudes, and her future partners will benefit from that, but not me. The part of my life with her is over, but she is still here, and I carry the knowledge of what might-have-been, had she decided not to deny me what was thrown at AP.
I have been angry, sad, bargained, the full spectrum over these past months. Anyone else experienced this, and how long can I expect to be feeling this.
WW is still keen to reconcile, but call me shallow, but I just cannot settle for an "acceptable subset" of the things she was willing to do with AP, even if the sexual menu is now larger, I know I will always feel like the booby prize.
Not sure what response I'm looking for here, but to be honest, just writing it down helps - weirdly.
Cheers and thanks for reading.
AN.
24 comments posted: Friday, January 19th, 2024
