My thoughts at the 4.5 year mark of learning truth/reconciliation
Hello all:
Happy post holidays. May we all return to normal (ish) next week. Is it Friday or Wednesday or Sunday? No idea!
I am at the 4.5 year mark of finding out about my husband's long out-of-town affair. The one he left me for on a Saturday morning out of the blue and returned 5 months later-lucky me! It would be almost 2 years until I found out the truth.
We were in the height of the pandemic, had just accepted an out-of-state move for his job and were 4 years into the empty nest.
I chose to try reconciling. My thoughts and experiences thus far.
I hope these validate or help someone.
- Had I found SI earlier! Oh how I wish. I was a certified moron during the awful days of suspecting an affair/addicition/something!
When he left, I did everything wrong. When he came home I did everything wrong. When I found out the truth, I went dead inside. Truly.
-Took me at least 3 years to feel alive. Not kidding. Only time around my adult children and 2 or 3 other people made me feel human.
-We spent wayyyyyy too much time together in the early days of R. But! Moving 3 hours by plane from our longtime home, the pandemic, me at home/him in a new job, it is what it is. I would recommend way more separate activities during early R.
-I think separate bedrooms the first year might have been helpful. I was seething with anger and hurt and he was...snoring. Lol. But honestly, in the last 6 months, we sleep separately at least 3 nights a week so I can get a good night's sleep and I can't tell you how I have improved! I swore I would never be a separate bedroom person. But with the snoring/adultery, I feel I have agency over an important part of my life: bedtime. We have talked about it a lot and feel happy. I can't stress enough how it makes me feel in control of my life again.
-The first 3 years are impossibly hard. For us they were. He did a ton of "right" things but he struggled at times when I wanted to talk (again) about things we had covered umpteen times. But we muddled along.
-At the 4 year mark, I just stopped needing to discuss the affair/lying/cruelty in leaving me one random saturday/everything else. We now go weeks and it doesn't come up. I'm OK with that for the first time. I am enjoying it.
-How I feel today: content, ever-changed, not a romantic person anymore, wiser, sadder, proud of doing a super hard thing.
-Intimacy? Oh kids. This one is a toughie. I had been so happy to welcome him home after his "needing space" for 5 months in 2018. I was open, joyous and felt we had dodged a bullet. I frequently (!!) told him how glad I was infidelity was not part of our story. My romantic feelings vanished when I found out the truth. Vanished. I had felt lucky, natural, pretty and excited by our intimacy during the good years. Now, it is what it is. And it is on my terms. That is Ok with me and he says it is with him too. He's sad and that's appropriate. NOT LOOKING FOR INPUT ON THIS.
-We had so many good years that those deposits in the Bank of Life have sustained us and, though nearly wiped clean, we have made small deposits in this reconciliation time.
-I am a hugely recovered romantic. I feel more jaded, I understand how hard life is, I understand PEOPLE LIE TO YOUR FACE (literally did not think this was a thing in marriage), I understand affair partners willingly participate rather than do a solid for the world, "Hey, you seem like a cliche, I 'd rather not be part of this and talk to your spouse." Guys, I did that personally many years ago when someone from my past contacted me after my divorce. it can be done!
-I now know that our relationship with ourselves is the most important one. I would have thrown up on my shoes 8 years ago if you had said that. But it is so very true. I want my adult children to know this too. I think they do.
My WH and I are back to laughing a lot, having deep discussion about life and health and death and purpose. He is not a grownup teennager anymore. I am happy for him. I am gently happy for me. That feels pretty good for right now.
4 comments posted: Friday, January 3rd, 2025
4 Years Out-My thoughts
Hello everyone:
I am 4 years out from what I guess was DD1 but that day was the revelation of what had transpired 2 years earlier when my husband left me on a Saturday morning out of the blue pleading "needing space and struggling with depression." From the bottom of my heart, if you had told me one year earlier that he could or would do this to me, I would have handed over my children and guaranteed this was not possible.
I was not fortunate enough to have found this site then. Man, I wish I had. I'll bullet point the outline of my situation and then my observations these 4 years later. I hope it helps someone.
Since this site does not forbid people giving advice (some infidelity sites do), I'll say I am not looking for input into how I am handling things today. Thanks.
I hope my thoughts help someone.
The A:
-2018: My husband, like all cliches, became moody, odd, secretive and uncharacteristic of his usual self. I asked a million questions and was met with "how dare you." He lied to a MC as we spent thousands trying to figure out how to help him. I believed that he was depressed and I was no fun. Good Lord.
He left on a Saturday morning. Literally came downstairs after a fun night at home and said he needed space. As you can imagine, the first thing I asked was if he was leaving me for someone else. How dare I. So I was convinced he was fighting for his life. He was gone 5 months. Came home and I was grateful.
I unknowingly did the pick me dance that whole time.
TWO YEARS LATER!! 2020- I found out he had been having an affair in another city for about 8 months before he left. Fake biz trips, fake guys trips, etc...
It was a woman he had dated in the early 2000s when they both were divorced and she was now a widow. He reached out. She did not chase him. But she sure as hell did not say, "Sorry pal, you are a walking midlife crisis. Her dead husband is a dead ringer for my husband. The few friends of mine who know everything all were shocked when they saw her dead husband's pic. PS. She is also someone who during the A was posting all kinds of inspirational sayings about being a good person etc...Her FB is public. She is also an aging mean party girl. Woof. I digress.
It was Covid and he had just been transferred across the country so we were moving! That was a gift.
It was so much stress, I don't know how I survived.
I was dealing with: the truth of that dark time, the unbelievable lies, the fact that she had been able to know who I was (I also write and have articles, essays all over the place), my FB was pretty public. She had a few pics of him during 2018 on her FB (this was 2 years after the A ended), Covid, a move away from all I knew, living with a stranger.
He ruined what we had for a 5 month affair that fizzled once she got a taste of the reality of him and he realized that maybe life was not so fun anywhere when he was part of it in that bratty stage. He watched me deteriorate in so many ways in that time. He listened to me say, after he "came home" how glad I was that infidelity was not part of our story and how I would do anything he needed to make sure that mean old depression did not overtake him again.
So, why did I go for R? Fear, the great years, the belief that people do make terrible mistakes and redemption is possible, the fact that he was willing to did a lot of hard work (though he is not perfect at it), my age-I feel too old to start over (yes, yes, I know I can), the pandemic and I would now be living alone in my late 50s in the middle of a pandemic.
My thoughts:
-Moving was a gift for R. It is a true fresh start. No family, kid, school, work, hobby history here. My deep respect for those of you who live where the A took place and run into the AP. You are strong strong people.
-I hold nothing back. My eggshell days are gone. He did a polygraph, I looked at all phone records, credit cards, he recreated every day that he was with her (at my request), any non friend of the marriage are gone (he had a lot of "cool" unmarried guy friends-something I didn't love but did not try to control), he is still earning my trust back, I look at him with non rose colored glasses. If I feel gaslit or uncomfortable about anything, I tell him.
-It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. On my worst days I feel defeated, that all my hard work in life has been for nothing, that I am a fool. That I must lack self respect.
-On my best days, I feel proud of not letting my ego and old voices say, "You're outta here" when I do love him. It is a second marriage for both of us and my kids adore him. They know everything and he has apologized to each of them for what he put me through. They were adults when all this happened.
-He is more mature, realistic and present.
-He is not great 100% of the time when I am triggered. Sometimes he is kind and patient and sometimes he is kind of mean. Not often, but still sometimes. That makes me want to tell him to leave. If that day comes, I'll know it.
-I dearly miss the old days when I was SO PROUD of what we had. Really, I envied no one, I looked forward to every weekend and evening. I never let him wonder how I felt about him. I often wonder if I created a monster.
-Infidelity is everywhere in movies and TV. Good heavens, it really gets old. I wish he would say, "I am so sorry this is bringing us back to what I did." He just sits kind of frozen.
-A book and website called Runaway Husbands saved my life during the 5 months he was gone. This site (I have lurked and been on and off) has saved me going forward.
-My pain has lessened. After being dead inside for all of 2021, 2022 and part of 2023, I feel more alive. Not old me alive, but I am evidence that POLF can get better. I feel that POLF will always be part of me in some way.
-It was here that I read about the R being old marriage being dead and a new one being forged. That is how I see us. My Camelot days were amazing though. I really thought we were the lucky ones. Now, I see us as regular people, one very hurt and damaged but forging ahead. I'm not a believer anymore that life is what you put into it. I put all my sincerity, love and goodwill into my marriage before the A. I really did. And here we are.
-We laugh more these days and it makes me glad that the years of memories and laughs can bubble up.
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7 comments posted: Tuesday, September 10th, 2024
