Do not, have done, I am, I won't, I do

I do not deserve your forgiveness.
I do not deserve your trust.
I do not deserve your love.
I do not deserve your touch.

I do not deserve your gaze.
I do not deserve your presence.
I do not deserve your voice.
I do not deserve your essence.

I have again made excuses.
I have again hidden affairs.
I have again been in denial.
I have again proven unloyal.

I have given you scars.
I have given you nightmares.
I have given you triggers.
I have given you lies.

I have treated you like a fool.
I have treated you insincerely.
I have treated you without respect.
I have treated you unfairly.

I have left you nothing but anger.
I have left you nothing but pain.
I have left you nothing but trauma.
I have left you nothing but tainted memories.

I am nothing but a fake.
I am nothing but a liar.
I am nothing but a murderer.
I am nothing but unoriginal.

I have been living in the past.
I have chosen to be lazy.
I have not been working on myself.
I have simply been procrastinating like crazy.

I am tired of failing.
I am tired of deceiving
I am tired of disgust.
I am tired of resenting.

I am tired of regretting.
I am tired of what ifs.
I am tired of pretending.
I am a wicked witch.

I won't stop striving for better.
I won't give up working towards reconciliation.
I won't expect the same of you.
I won't hold you back anymore.

I do belive nothing is impossible
I do belive I can and will change
I do work towards a future
I do love you so and will let you go if that's your decision.

3 comments posted: Sunday, December 22nd, 2024

I am a WP

As usual I have fucked up AGAIN. Let my masks and impulses control me and dictate my actions. Made excuses. Still in denial. And AGAIN hurt the person I care for. Have been lazy and insincere. Fueled the fire and caused more Ash. It's time to dig deep.

0 comment posted: Tuesday, December 10th, 2024

Crash and Burn

I am WP.I have been severely unfaithful to my BP of 8 years. It has been 3 and half weeks since I tried to confess my infidelities, but because of being a compulsive liar, being a coward and being selfish, I couldn't tell the complete truth until 5 days ago. But even then I still tried to justify things, sugarcoat my mistakes and downplay the severity of it all. Being so pathetic. Given so many chances by my BP to come clean. And I let it go to waste. I regret everything so much and desperately wish I could redo everything. Wish I did not hurt my BP like that and been a whole person from the start. I have cheated on my BP 8 times since the start of our relationship. I wanted to come clean, although I tried, I couldn't spill all my indescretions until 2 weeks after telling them about my recent affair and they found out about two of them after I confessed about the recent one (I gave him access to my social media, as an effort to try and be transparent) and prior to confessing about it all. I have hurt and killed the one person that really and truly cared about me for once in my miserable life. I have only fuelled those thoughts that I am unworthy, that all I do is destroy and that I am the worst kind of human that exists. That a human such as myself doesn't deserve to exist. I've been trying to live with myself, but nothing seems to be working. I've been doing therapy, taking medication and writing in my journal, but each day feels like death. I know I deserve to feel this way, but I feel that for everyone's sake, my BP, my family and my friends that they would all be better off without my burdening existence. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I don't deserve any. I know that. And I know people say you can fix yourself and you can get better, that ending it is not a solution and only the easy way out. But all I've ever brought people is destruction and pain. No matter how much I try to be a good person. I have only done harm. And with my fucked up background there's very little chance of fixing things. That I've tried to rely on hope and it has never worked. That no matter how much I think about it, I don't think I could ever trust myself and that I shouldn't becasue I don't want to cause harm to anyone else. So thank you for hearing my words. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger and disappointed I couldn't prove people wrong. I'm sorry I let my family down, I sorry I hurt my BP. I'm sorry I could never forgive myself. Because how could someone that has done such things to somebody so pure be worthy of living.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, October 15th, 2024