WS is masturbating to old love letters/chats/videos of AP

The last four months have been a whirlwind of lies and gaslighting. I've been working hard to pull myself out of this pit of despair and confront my wife about her internet affair.

It's unclear if we will make it and things are still raw. I found concrete evidence of her affair less than three weeks ago and since then I've stood firm on no contact or else I walk immediately.

Part of the process involved me blocking the AP on my wife's online accounts as she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Since then things have been very tense. She has fallen in love with the AP - our own relationship has been suffering for years and those issues are real. We got a breaking point four months ago and at that point we started sleeping in different bedrooms.

During that time I have been working on myself furiously. At the same time my WS escalated things with her AP. She engaged in a sexual relationship with him that involved regular communication with him throughout the day, including during our shared meals and dates. She routinely lied to me about her relationship with him even when I was suspicious of the behavior.

When I hit a breaking point several weeks ago I checked her online chat logs and found evidence of the sexual relationship and of the horrible way she spoke about me with him. Most painfully, right after we started sleeping in different rooms I struggled emotionally with anxiety. I cried many nights and I saw her complaining to her affair partner that I was crying in the other room so she had to keep it down while she shared a live link to her sex toys with the AP. I was and still am crushed.

Most recently we have continued working towards reconciliation. No contact has been a core elements, but WS still resists being accountable for it and resists questions about demonstrating that it has been cut off.

Just today I caught her masturbating to old chats of and videos she had of the AP. Content she claimed to have deleted but recovered.

I really don't know how to feel about that. This whole process is horrible and I have no road map or template that can help understand something like this.

I feel awful about. My WS is clearly in love with the AP and says much, but is still trying to make things work with me. How should I read something like this? What could this behaviour mean ?

13 comments posted: Saturday, January 4th, 2025