Online EA, red flags remain

Forgive me as I learn the many acronyms! I'm 45m, and she's 40f.

We're 1 mo past DD#2 when I confronted my WW with knowledge of an online-only EA. I'm 100% sure it was online only. But this one hurt even more than A#1.

EA#1 I discovered when I overheard some sultry noises from the office during an online call, back in fall of '22. In that instance I gathered evidence, cloned logins, learned -everything-, and decided that I would try to "win her back" by being the over the top good husband I perhaps had not been. Really, really wanted to just have it fade away, and let her bury it and not have the indignity of my confronting her.

It didn't work, so on new year's eve 2022, give or take a day, I confronted. There was much remorse, but some regret that I had "waited" months before confronting. We did a quick reconcile and things were actually better than ever between us.

This time, I had no suspicion, thinking all that was in the past, until I again heard just the barest hint of sultry sounds again from the office. This time I recorded audio, confirmed the EA, and confronted same day - keen to not make the same error as the last time. This time, again much remorse, but we've now followed through with starting MC.

I had considered whether IC makes more sense, but I really felt like the accountability of me being in the room might help. Don't know.

The two EAs, to hear her explanations, were completely different in nature. The first was a torrid, lascivious fantasy, played out with a never-met person from an online community. It was interesting to me, because I had been concerned that she was mostly asexual, and seeing these chats revealed that she did have those desires. For various reasons around depression, and thinking I did not love her, I guess she turned to someone else. I know this was not at all my fault, but I also acknowledge that my own depression at the time may have played a role. I've since come through that and don't suffer any of that depression now. Just this new depressing reality lol.

The process of playing choose-me really f*cked with my head though, as having cloned her accounts, I could see things in real-time, like her having sex chats with OM even WHILE I was massaging her feet at the end of the day. Or observing the "been thinking about you all day" chats, when I was in the bathroom 5 minutes post-intimacy. This level of live access was more damaging to me mentally than I thought it would be. Not recommended!

This most recent EA, was different. I didn't hack accounts, or learn anything about the nature and scope of the A, save that I know 100% it was virtual only. The part that hurts so much more this time is that what I recorded was not tawdry sexual content, but a simple "I love you" sign off, after a mostly benign chat.

I confronted immediately as mentioned, and the claim this time was that it was because of fear of being ghosted from an employment situation in a similar online community. The OM#2 is not the employer, just a teammate, in an informal job situation. She claims there is no actual feelings for him (I do have doubts his is true), and that she wants to cut it off but try to preserve the working situation.

And here come the red flags post DD#2: after confrontation, I continued my monitoring, and discovered it hasn't stopped. I had COVID about 2 weeks after DD which made monitoring difficult, however I did again hear an "I love you" and on the day I was recovered and able to rejoin the family, I confronted again, and she claimed it was because she hadn't found the right time to let him down easy.. claimed she didn't want to hurt anyone, including him. I pointed out that she was willingly and actively hurting me to prevent even the prospect of hurting him.

She does not want me to read historical chats, even though she claims they are not lurid. Feels she should still have some privacy in online discussions. Does not acknowledge to him her family situation (12y married, 2 kids).

Instead she told him, and read aloud the texts of that exchange to me, that she needs to reevaluate her life, doesn't want a relationship and wants to remain just friends.

Following this, we began MC, and I have maintained my covert monitoring. I feel like shit sneaking around my house, dropping voice recording devices into various rooms and the car.. it drives me nuts, consumes untold hours reviewing, etc. I hate what I've become, but I feel compelled to gather evidence before confronting.

What I have heard since then has been -mostly- harmless, but I have felt there's some back sliding.. calling him "babes", hanging up right as I pull into the driveway, etc.. I can't be sure but I might also have heard an "I miss you".

I feel like the lack of willingness to acknowledge to him that she has a marriage and family is just inviting him to think he still has a chance and he'll keep pressing the matter. I got nothing against him, he has no clue, of that I'm sure.

I really wanted to be okay with her continuing in the role, and if she provided me with two-sided recordings of all voice conversations, and unfettered access to all chat apps, and told him the full situation, maybe I could have got there.

But that's where we are. I'm biding my time until our next MC session in 10 days, listening to and recording every conversation I possibly can, hoping that I find nothing, but that if I do, I'll have the courage to demand (and the support of our counsellor to recommend) the steps above.

I don't think she appreciates that the marriage is still in a grave state. I am motivated to resolve and reconcile, I love her deeply, and value our family unit. She's a stellar mom. But f*ck me it does my head in. I probably thought about this 100x today alone, since I knew she was going to be taking a call on the road (yes I've got a recorder in there, but one day she'll find that).

Anyway, that's enough there for a first post. Interested to get thoughts. Anyone who thinks EA is less than PA, I don't know.. I think PA maybe easier to just quits the whole thing, whereas I'm self conditioned to think this -should- be less, that I should be able to get over it, and instead I just mindf*ck myself over and over.

32 comments posted: Saturday, January 4th, 2025