Has anyone here witnessed shocking personality change in their WS during an affair, and do they ever come back to their usual se

Long story short, my WH recently left our marriage of nearly two decades for his AP of a few months. Our marriage wasn't without issues but overall a good one. We always enjoyed each other's company and was caring and supportive for each other. Our life was comfortable and stress free. We did almost everything together and we had a vision for our future. We are in our early 40s.

He came from a trauma background of childhood abuse, and I grew up loved and valued. I was the nurturing one in the relationship and an emotional anchor for him over the years. Given what he experienced as a child, he had done well for himself, no drug and alcohol, no mental health issues, and stable employment. He wasn't good at providing emotional support, however, he would always show concern and distress whenever I was upset, especially when I was upset with him.

Then the affair happened, and he changed into a different person, not so much during the affair but after D-Day. He initially showed remorse and asked for a second chance, so we started therapy, and this was when I started seeing some really disturbing traits. He became cunning and manipulative, he told so many lies while swearing he wasn't lying, and he gaslighted me for being "paranoid", not trusting him and not willing to move on while he continued to engage with the AP. The most heartbreaking part was that he was indifferent to my pain. He showed very little concern for what I was going through.

His original character did return after I told him I wanted a separation, he broke up with his AP and he seemed to have gained clarity and insight. He was saying all the right things, and he was affectionate and caring again.

Just when I thought we were making progress, one day he suddenly announced that he was moving out. What shocked me wasn't the decision itself, but the way he delivered it. He had nothing but excitement in his eyes. I had chills down my spine and in that moment, I thought I saw a psychopath. He firmly denied that he rekindled with his AP, claiming he decided to do so because it would allow me to have a fresh start and be freed from the damage he'd done to our marriage. Only with my persistence did he eventually tell the truth, again, without any distress, but rather like a naughty child who was caught with a harmless mischief. I put him in an Airbnb the next day because I simply could not cope with his behavior any longer.

The level of indifference and apathy got worse in the next few days. I was broken and paralyzed by pain while he started the process of moving out. He offered me no support. Zero. He was too busy telling me how bad the condition of the Airbnb was and how stressful it was to organize the move. I was utterly shocked. I remember one day he came back for his belongings, and by this stage, I had already lost 10kgs (since D-day) and hadn't slept for days, all he talked about was how his new TV unit didn't fit the size of the TV. He wasn't even a normal human anymore.

Ironically while his behaviour showed zero care factor, he sent me multiple texts telling me how much he loved and cared about me, how perfect I was, how appreciative he was, how good our life was and how he never "intended" for this to happen and continued doing so until this day. I never received an explanation for the sudden death of our marriage, other than he felt he was "changed" and now a different person.

I asked myself what happened. Did I miss something from the start, or the affair damaged his personality? He went from a good husband to a reckless, selfish and apathetic lunatic within weeks. All our friends were equally shocked, no one could comprehend what happened and a few didn't even believe me when I told them.

It might be worth mentioning that the life he chose with the AP was completely opposite of what we had. Without giving out too many details, it is a life with foreseeable stress, conflicts and financial strain. And his AP is completely opposite of me: weak morals, manipulative, intense and has low self-esteem.

I would like to hear other's opinions on this. I don't rely on an answer from him for my closure and healing (as I know he may not even have one), but rather curious if someone else has witnessed this type of drastic change. Is this MLC, him showing his true colors under stress, or is childhood trauma resurfacing?

23 comments posted: Thursday, January 2nd, 2025