Valentine's Day

We have never really done big gifts or events on Valentine's Day but considering this is the first after me finding out about the EA he had, I'm wondering how to address things. I'm feeling super triggered this week. I am not sure if it's because he literally got me nothing for Christmas (Dday was the day before Thanksgiving). We had a horrible holiday season. We had decided no gifts prior to finding out about the affair but I still got him something from the kids. I was hurt there wasn't even a card-literally nothing. We've been in IC and MC and he's making a solid effort but I don't know if I should ignore it or bring it up that I'm triggered right now. Honestly, I'm not even wanting a big gift, I just want a significant gesture. But should I have to tell him that? Idk, maybe I'm just feeling triggered and hurt in a different way. Not sure what to do. My plan is to just focus on my mental health. I want to do a work out, I made valentines for the kids and thought maybe I'd do a fun dinner with them Friday. Thoughts from people that have been through this? I don't want to negate the fact that I feel like he's making an effort to recover but I'm really triggered and don't know if I should bring it up or just ignore it all this year.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, February 12th, 2025

Deciding how to face triggers and proceed

2 months since finding out about my husband's emotional affair with someone he met at a bar. The initial meeting I was informed about. She was a dog walker and he told me when he got home he suggested we hire her. They met when he was picking up food. It was at a restaurant we frequent, or did, and I drive by it regularly. At what point do the triggers subside? Do I just bite the bullet and go into the restaurant and risk a run-in? I feel like I'm tip-toeing around. We tell our kids the restaurant is closed, avoid meeting up with friends there, etc. Is going and facing it worth it? She doesn't work there but is often apparently there, although I don't know if that is still the case. I've read some things that say facing the trigger is a good thing, but is it? Do we just never go to some of our favorite places because of this?

8 comments posted: Tuesday, February 4th, 2025

Post Nuptiual Agreement

Has anyone done this. WH is trying to do all the right things. He had an EA and is trying to be incredibly supportive. We are in MC and IC. He has opened up like I've never seen in the 10 years of marriage. He swore it was just an EA, flirty texts and a few bar hang outs. This past weekend he really took to heart that I had questions and openly talked about everything. He is trying, but I still have questions. I was so hurt and angry when I found out that I wanted to explore all options so I did seek advice from a lawyer. Basically, because I'm the breadwinner and carry the benefits I could be the one that has to pay him alimony and he could kill my retirement because he doesn't have one. Yea for being the default parent and breadwinner! I'm just 2 months out from finding all of this out so I still have moments of sadness, anxiety and anger. In my angry stage I really want to pursue a post nuptial agreement. I won't deal with the lies again. I'm willing to try for the sake our our children and family but I also want to protect myself and my kids. Curious if anyone has gone this route.

2 comments posted: Monday, February 3rd, 2025

Dealing with triggers

WS and I are in therapy but the triggers. It's like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. We had a great weekend together. My MIL watched the kids while we had a date night in the city. We actually had our first nice date night out where I wasn't triggered at all since Dday just before Thanksgiving. Then last night, MIL was over again and suggested we get a dog walker/sitter so we don't have to board the dogs next time we go away. My husband laughed (because AP was a dog walker-apparently that's how it started) and I had to tell her to stop bringing it up. She said oh sore subject. I was so upset. It's not a sore subject. It was a betrayal of my trust and just because it was an emotional affair and not physical does not make it any less painful. How do you deal with things like this? Do I call it what it is and risk an argument? I didn't want to do that with my oldest nearby so I just sat quiet and stewed. Do I bring it up with her now after the fact? Let it go? She is well aware of what happened because Dday she was here.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, January 29th, 2025

Changed his passwords again

After finding out 2 months ago that my husband was having an EA, I asked for full transparency. I found out the night before Thanksgiving when he didn't get home from being out until 12:20 am. I found messages on his Facebook and he lied about the whole thing. That whole Thanksgiving weekend he claimed he did it then 4 days later after a couples therapy session where he was told to tell the whole truth he admitted to hanging out with her more than the times he originally admitted to. I told him to change all his passwords back, he had previously changed them a few weeks prior for the first time in 14 years when the girl asked him to join snapchat. I never thought anything of it. I hadn't snooped ever either. Now all trust is broken. I felt better when he changed things back and supposedly cut contact but when I checked his phone a week or so later I found a text to his father hiding the relationship. It turned into a huge fight saying I wasn't respecting his privacy. I said he lost the privilege when he lied and betrayed me. We've been back and forth since. Some days are okay, some actually good and some we argue. The other day he saw that she had been messaging me. Since I asked her to cut off communication she has reached out multiple times claiming she's sorry, she was told it was all okay. He looked at my phone and saw it and stormed off. So apparently fine for him to look at mine but I can't look at his. I did look and saw an obnoxious message from his cousin cheering on the fact that he got in trouble for talking to a 29 year old. We had a fight, he changed his password again. We had an okay weekend but I was suspicious of his whereabouts today. When I got home I noticed he again changed all his passwords on the computer as well. I don't know what to do. I told him full transparency. Do I bring it up? Talk about it in therapy tomorrow? Kick him out? I'm so frustrated. If you have nothing to hide, prove it. I have no issues with him looking at my messages, even the ones she sends me. I have a feeling he's hiding more than he's letting on. Help!

2 comments posted: Tuesday, January 14th, 2025

Losing my calm

Spouse and I were finally in a decent spot after learning of his EA just before thanksgiving. We are in couples counseling, and individual therapy. Trying to focus on reconciliation and as I’m folding laundry I found a towel that is not ours. I’m desperately trying to figure out where it came from but there’s no way it was ours or our parents who have stayed here. Now I’m waiting for him to come back from hockey to confront him about it. What do I do?!

5 comments posted: Wednesday, January 8th, 2025

Confronting the AP

Has anyone ever done this? My husband met someone at a local place that we always go to. They had what I call an emotional affair sending inappropriate messages for months. They also went out a few times but claim it never got physical. I stopped in one day to pick up food and she spotted me and her entire demeanor changed. While I was waiting for food she sent me a facebook message asking if I was at the restaurant. She wanted to talk to me and apologize. I told her I appreciated the apology but what she was inappropriate and disrespectful attempting to break up a family not just a marriage. I was blindsided so I didn't know what else to say but now I'm thinking of all of these things I should have said. I don't know if I would feel better or worse. Or what to do if there is another run in.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 7th, 2025

Trying to Process

My husband and I have been married 10 years, together 14. We have 3 children, our dream house, and stable jobs. The day before Thanksgiving my world was shattered. I found 2 months of flirtatious and inappropriate messages to a 29 yo he met at a bar. He was out with her until after midnight. He came home drunk, lied to my face that he wasn't with her but finally admitted it.

Here's the back story:
While we have been to counseling before, it was typically involving issues of feeling like we are roommates with the kids activities, work, etc. I know we fell into this trap again but we were just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with fall sports ending. He's worked from home since we've been married so this isn't a recent thing but he feels like he gets stir crazy always being home so it never worried me if he'd go out to lunch or when he wanted to play hockey with the guys. Usually, hockey is a couple nights a week when I'm already in bed so it doesn't impact us much.

One day he told me he went out with his dad to a bar for lunch and met a dog walker that would come to the house instead of having to board our dogs. I didn't think anything of it but a few weeks later he asked me if it was weird if he had a friend that was a girl. I asked if she was hitting on him to which he laughed and said no. He said he wanted to take the dogs to meet up with the dog walker to see how they did with her. Since I had been cooped up with pneumonia for a week I said it was fine and I trusted him. I also thanked him for being transparent and honest.

A few weeks later he wanted to go watch the Tyson/Paul fight and get out of the house. He had just had 3 kids solo while I was sick so I wanted to give him a night off. He went out but said he went out solo because none of his friends were out. He told me he went out in a town we never really go to but what do I know, I thought maybe they were showing the fight?

We finally got a rare night off with a sitter and decided to go out. We had fun for the first time in weeks. He had been saying he was struggling and depressed and I was super stressed having started a Master's program too. We are both kind of pigeonholed into our careers where we are now to expensive to leave yet find we need more money. The quick decision was I go back as I get paid more and that would really help us out until at least daycare is done.
Anyway, we had fun, but walking into the house I slipped on ice and broke my leg. After confirming at the ER it was broken, he asked if it was okay to still go to hockey if his parents came over to help. He had planned to do this the day before Thanksgiving for a while because a few friends go he hadn't seen in some time.Rarely do they play during the day. I agreed because I felt he needed to get out, especially since I was relatively immobile. His parents came over while I was laid up on the couch. It was a lot. When I facetimed him at 3ish, he had just finished the game and they were going to grab a drink. Around 6 when the kids were cranky, and my MIL was trying to get them dinner, I texted him asking when he'd be home. He told me he knew it sucked but he ordered me sushi. I asked him if he was at the local place we go to which he admitted to. He's usually there with a friend of ours. I asked his eta he said 9:15. My MIL put the kids to bed and said she was worried if he had been drinking all day. I said I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to drive if he had too many. She texted him to get an uber and then helped me as much as possible before leaving at 10...he still wasn't back. She asked me to call him when he got home. I agreed, said the bar closed at 10, they likely stayed. She had called no answer, same for me. I called the bar, no answer. I called him multiple times over the course of the next hour because it was not like him. I called our friend who usually goes to that bar, he said he saw him there but he left at 6:30. I called another friend to see if he had stopped by on the way home. They hadn't seen him. At this point I'm nervous. Then it hit me. For some reason I thought I need to check his computer, maybe there was a messenger. Nothing on his personal page but his work FB pg. had 2 months of flirtatious and inappropriate messages with him and the dog walker. It also occurred to me that he had recently downloaded snapchat and had changed his passcode, something he'd never done. He had met her out multiple times. He stumbled in drunk at 12:20 am and after denying being with her, finally admitted it. Told me I was blowing things out of proportion and that's why he hid it. We fought for days, I realized she was the reason he had downloaded snapchat, he had been calling her and hanging out, my FIL knew of her and there was a text to him to keep the relationship secret.

I called his parents that night. Told them everything and asked my FIL for the truth. While he claimed she was a companion, I said I was hurt and didn't believe it and hurt by him for condoning this behavior. It took 4 days for him to admit that he was with her at the fight night and I still don't feel like he's been completely honest with me. He agreed to cut off communication but I saw a snapchat message. He deleted snapchat and finally changed his code back on his phone.

I am so hurt. I'm not making excuses but I also didn't come at him that it was all on him. I get there are things we need to work on in our relationship but that doesn't give you license to stray. He's telling me since it wasn't physical it wasn't cheating and I'm blowing things way out of proportion. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's going to get tired of me asking questions but I don't feel like he's totally being transparent and honest.

3 comments posted: Monday, January 6th, 2025