Losing my calm

Spouse and I were finally in a decent spot after learning of his EA just before thanksgiving. We are in couples counseling, and individual therapy. Trying to focus on reconciliation and as I’m folding laundry I found a towel that is not ours. I’m desperately trying to figure out where it came from but there’s no way it was ours or our parents who have stayed here. Now I’m waiting for him to come back from hockey to confront him about it. What do I do?!

5 comments posted: Wednesday, January 8th, 2025

Confronting the AP

Has anyone ever done this? My husband met someone at a local place that we always go to. They had what I call an emotional affair sending inappropriate messages for months. They also went out a few times but claim it never got physical. I stopped in one day to pick up food and she spotted me and her entire demeanor changed. While I was waiting for food she sent me a facebook message asking if I was at the restaurant. She wanted to talk to me and apologize. I told her I appreciated the apology but what she was inappropriate and disrespectful attempting to break up a family not just a marriage. I was blindsided so I didn't know what else to say but now I'm thinking of all of these things I should have said. I don't know if I would feel better or worse. Or what to do if there is another run in.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 7th, 2025

Trying to Process

My husband and I have been married 10 years, together 14. We have 3 children, our dream house, and stable jobs. The day before Thanksgiving my world was shattered. I found 2 months of flirtatious and inappropriate messages to a 29 yo he met at a bar. He was out with her until after midnight. He came home drunk, lied to my face that he wasn't with her but finally admitted it.

Here's the back story:
While we have been to counseling before, it was typically involving issues of feeling like we are roommates with the kids activities, work, etc. I know we fell into this trap again but we were just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with fall sports ending. He's worked from home since we've been married so this isn't a recent thing but he feels like he gets stir crazy always being home so it never worried me if he'd go out to lunch or when he wanted to play hockey with the guys. Usually, hockey is a couple nights a week when I'm already in bed so it doesn't impact us much.

One day he told me he went out with his dad to a bar for lunch and met a dog walker that would come to the house instead of having to board our dogs. I didn't think anything of it but a few weeks later he asked me if it was weird if he had a friend that was a girl. I asked if she was hitting on him to which he laughed and said no. He said he wanted to take the dogs to meet up with the dog walker to see how they did with her. Since I had been cooped up with pneumonia for a week I said it was fine and I trusted him. I also thanked him for being transparent and honest.

A few weeks later he wanted to go watch the Tyson/Paul fight and get out of the house. He had just had 3 kids solo while I was sick so I wanted to give him a night off. He went out but said he went out solo because none of his friends were out. He told me he went out in a town we never really go to but what do I know, I thought maybe they were showing the fight?

We finally got a rare night off with a sitter and decided to go out. We had fun for the first time in weeks. He had been saying he was struggling and depressed and I was super stressed having started a Master's program too. We are both kind of pigeonholed into our careers where we are now to expensive to leave yet find we need more money. The quick decision was I go back as I get paid more and that would really help us out until at least daycare is done.
Anyway, we had fun, but walking into the house I slipped on ice and broke my leg. After confirming at the ER it was broken, he asked if it was okay to still go to hockey if his parents came over to help. He had planned to do this the day before Thanksgiving for a while because a few friends go he hadn't seen in some time.Rarely do they play during the day. I agreed because I felt he needed to get out, especially since I was relatively immobile. His parents came over while I was laid up on the couch. It was a lot. When I facetimed him at 3ish, he had just finished the game and they were going to grab a drink. Around 6 when the kids were cranky, and my MIL was trying to get them dinner, I texted him asking when he'd be home. He told me he knew it sucked but he ordered me sushi. I asked him if he was at the local place we go to which he admitted to. He's usually there with a friend of ours. I asked his eta he said 9:15. My MIL put the kids to bed and said she was worried if he had been drinking all day. I said I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to drive if he had too many. She texted him to get an uber and then helped me as much as possible before leaving at 10...he still wasn't back. She asked me to call him when he got home. I agreed, said the bar closed at 10, they likely stayed. She had called no answer, same for me. I called the bar, no answer. I called him multiple times over the course of the next hour because it was not like him. I called our friend who usually goes to that bar, he said he saw him there but he left at 6:30. I called another friend to see if he had stopped by on the way home. They hadn't seen him. At this point I'm nervous. Then it hit me. For some reason I thought I need to check his computer, maybe there was a messenger. Nothing on his personal page but his work FB pg. had 2 months of flirtatious and inappropriate messages with him and the dog walker. It also occurred to me that he had recently downloaded snapchat and had changed his passcode, something he'd never done. He had met her out multiple times. He stumbled in drunk at 12:20 am and after denying being with her, finally admitted it. Told me I was blowing things out of proportion and that's why he hid it. We fought for days, I realized she was the reason he had downloaded snapchat, he had been calling her and hanging out, my FIL knew of her and there was a text to him to keep the relationship secret.

I called his parents that night. Told them everything and asked my FIL for the truth. While he claimed she was a companion, I said I was hurt and didn't believe it and hurt by him for condoning this behavior. It took 4 days for him to admit that he was with her at the fight night and I still don't feel like he's been completely honest with me. He agreed to cut off communication but I saw a snapchat message. He deleted snapchat and finally changed his code back on his phone.

I am so hurt. I'm not making excuses but I also didn't come at him that it was all on him. I get there are things we need to work on in our relationship but that doesn't give you license to stray. He's telling me since it wasn't physical it wasn't cheating and I'm blowing things way out of proportion. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's going to get tired of me asking questions but I don't feel like he's totally being transparent and honest.

3 comments posted: Monday, January 6th, 2025