I have been lying to myself, to my WS and to others

I have posted before about finding out about my WS affair and what to do with reconciliation or divorce.
The truth is that while she had a physical affair (multiple times with an old University friend), after reading through this forum a lot I realise I was having emotional affairs for a long time - watching porn; webcams, speaking on sex sites.
I knew that it was a problem... I didn't seek help for it and I didn't confide in my wife.

I cannot help now but look at my actions and see how it led to the affair my Wife ultimately committed and led to her feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts - I feel unspeakably guilty.

I didn't commit anything physical; but I know I cheated - I just didn't get found out. There were times over the years where we would talk about porn and have a heart to heart where things improved and for a long period - a number of years - I was 'good' in not going on webcam sites or having emotional affairs. I think I lapsed after the birth of our child and that triggered my wife's depression.

I am saying all this as I am now reflecting on the outcome of the affair; we have been through MC and IC - my wife wants to R and has put a lot of effort in. We have been open about everything; I have said about my own actions and how I feel guilt towards having caused this situation.

Even knowing all this....and knowing how I contributed to where my life is now; with a wife that has worked and wants to R and a lovely family with a loving daughter.... I still deep down don't want to really reconcile.

I am a coward. I don't want to put the work in to not watch porn. I don't want my life to be defined by having to put 'controls' in place to make sure I don't watch porn, if on a night out don't flirt with another woman. I know how this makes me sound and some reading here may be disgusted but I am trying to own who I am as a person and ultimately who I want to be.

I have applied for Divorce and my wife has asked me where I see my life in the future. Honestly I don't see myself with anyone - I would rather be on my own and just live my life as I want to - not beholden to anyone.

Am I broken? Am I still dealing with the aftermath of the affair and this is just me trying to protect myself? Sometimes I feel like I have tried to reconcile as much as I can - other times I know in my heart that I haven't tried enough and it's because I don't really want to change.

I have tried to be as open and honest to my wife about this as I can...and she is still wanting to Reconcile. I think I must be mad

1 comment posted: Friday, July 31st, 2026

How do you make the decision and see it through?

Hi Everyone. Discovered my wifes affair January this year and have been through a few ups and downs since then. I moved out for a bit, considered us separated and slept with somebody else, we moved back in, went through marriage counselling, have both done (and continue to do) individual counselling. We have a child, are financially stable and outside of this don't really have any 'stressors' in our lives - we are pretty lucky.
I am done though. I feel like I want and need to be alone - I don't want to be married any longer, I don't want a relationship. I want to be on my own, do my own things but the reality of doing it is too big.
When I moved out for a while, I missed our little girl so much - I hated being away from her and it scares me to think I would be consciously choosing that path - especially then only seeing her 50% of the time. I rationalise it by saying well I will look forward to/enjoy seeing her when I see her which is a good thing and more than that - I think I will be happy when I see her rather than this intermediate, limbo state.
Also linked to this is the thought of another man eventually being in her life - that scares me and I don't like it.
I am also conflicted about whether I have given this enough time. There is a strong part of me - my heart and gut that knew the day I found out that I would never get over this but my head is logically telling me to wait and see and see if the feelings come back. I think that I am trying in that respect (well I know I am as much as I can) but there is also a part of me that just feels like I am faking it until I a can 'make it'. And whats left after that? me brainwashing myself into thinking I am happy when I am actually not.
I am not after a critique on why I think/feel these things - they are just part of me - what I am looking for is some help in getting over the hurdle to make the divorce a reality and to start moving on with my life.
I just cannot seem to make that step.
To add to the indecision....my wife has been transformed by the affair and revelations - at least in the last 3 months. Not long after and for a good 6 months she was still not really trying, but the last 3 months she has been incredible - which makes it harder to say 'sorry I still don't love you anymore in that way and I don't think that will come back and I want to move on'. I feel like such a horrible person that despite her being the one to trigger all of this its now MY decision as to whether we divorce and ultaimtely if I break up our family

16 comments posted: Thursday, October 30th, 2025