How do you make the decision and see it through?

Hi Everyone. Discovered my wifes affair January this year and have been through a few ups and downs since then. I moved out for a bit, considered us separated and slept with somebody else, we moved back in, went through marriage counselling, have both done (and continue to do) individual counselling. We have a child, are financially stable and outside of this don't really have any 'stressors' in our lives - we are pretty lucky.
I am done though. I feel like I want and need to be alone - I don't want to be married any longer, I don't want a relationship. I want to be on my own, do my own things but the reality of doing it is too big.
When I moved out for a while, I missed our little girl so much - I hated being away from her and it scares me to think I would be consciously choosing that path - especially then only seeing her 50% of the time. I rationalise it by saying well I will look forward to/enjoy seeing her when I see her which is a good thing and more than that - I think I will be happy when I see her rather than this intermediate, limbo state.
Also linked to this is the thought of another man eventually being in her life - that scares me and I don't like it.
I am also conflicted about whether I have given this enough time. There is a strong part of me - my heart and gut that knew the day I found out that I would never get over this but my head is logically telling me to wait and see and see if the feelings come back. I think that I am trying in that respect (well I know I am as much as I can) but there is also a part of me that just feels like I am faking it until I a can 'make it'. And whats left after that? me brainwashing myself into thinking I am happy when I am actually not.
I am not after a critique on why I think/feel these things - they are just part of me - what I am looking for is some help in getting over the hurdle to make the divorce a reality and to start moving on with my life.
I just cannot seem to make that step.
To add to the indecision....my wife has been transformed by the affair and revelations - at least in the last 3 months. Not long after and for a good 6 months she was still not really trying, but the last 3 months she has been incredible - which makes it harder to say 'sorry I still don't love you anymore in that way and I don't think that will come back and I want to move on'. I feel like such a horrible person that despite her being the one to trigger all of this its now MY decision as to whether we divorce and ultaimtely if I break up our family

6 comments posted: Thursday, October 30th, 2025