Feeling incredibly depressed and hopeless

It’s only been 5 days since DDay. I feel disgusted of myself. I can’t look at myself the same. I know my BH deserves better, my kids deserve better and I deserve nothing. I don’t deserve this chance at R he has given me, but I want to make it work until the very end. I don’t want to leave this man and it’s not because of control, I really do love him and I don’t want to love anyone else in this world. I don’t want to take care of my kids… I’m a SAHM and I really struggle to keep my kids entertained and well fed. I feel like I’m dying and the more time passes the more I contemplate suicide. I just can’t go on with this disgusting guilt. I don’t feel like it’s going to minimize and I know BH will soon start clearing his mind and might not even want me anymore in the future. He swears he won’t change his mind, but I’m afraid he might be in denial or maybe he really does want to give me a chance?… I don’t know, but I can’t even breathe in peace, I don’t think I will ever live in peace and this is the dark reality. I feel remorseful and I think instead of getting better it’s getting worse each day.

2 comments posted: Friday, October 31st, 2025

Does BH really mean it when he agreed to reconcile?

Hello everyone I’m fairly new here and I want to talk about my experience because it’s eating me up. I (25F) and my husband (25M) are going through a really tough time after he discovered I had sex with one of my first cousins. Now, I know you’re probably thinking "your what now?". I’m awfully ashamed. My cousin used to molest me as a child so I had some type of trauma bond with him. Anyways, he found out some messages that I sent him talking about the day we had sex. To say he was devastated was an understatement. He punched me three times in the chest and choked me. He was ENRAGED. Rightfully so, I took the blows as punishment. That was Sunday 10/26/2025.

Throughout the week we have been talking about reconciliation. I obviously immediately cut contact with my cousin and any other people who might be trouble. I stopped smoking marijuana as he thought that might take me back to my old days. He told me to get into counseling so I could navigate the situation better. He cried, but hasn’t been able to cry. He said he just feels numb. I’m afraid of losing him because although he said he wants to work it out for our kids and marriage and says he’s not "in denial" and that "he knows what his heart wants". I told him I’ve been reading several stories about people who’ve tried reconciling and end up not in love anymore or simply exhausted from the relationship. I’m having trouble believing him because I feel like his love will fade and rightfully so I came clean and honest about what happened that night and explained the timeline to him. He gets upset and angry when we talk about it, but then reassures we will get through it.

I’m having trouble believing this is real. I’m awfully remorseful and I’m even having trouble staying away from harming myself even though I know I caused this breech of trust. I’m desperately trying to pick up the pieces and make a new version of this relationship. We have two kids so it makes this process even harder. We still sleep together and have been HB but with no sex because I don’t want to rush the healing process. I’m so lost on what to do. I’m afraid he will lose hope. I’m determined to fight the good, bad, and the ugly. Someone with some guidance out there? :(

6 comments posted: Friday, October 31st, 2025