SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was a member of this site many years ago. At the time, "New Beginnings'was posted as "Dating." I made a booboo and was summarily kicked off the site. No prob, I can live with that. What all the members here should know however, is that what followed was a complete shitshow in which the moderators claimed that I had been warned about my posts ( completely untrue) and proceeded to gaslight the entire membership. Because some other members who actually knew me stood up for me, they were also banned. No questions asked.

It was probably one of the longest threads in SI history. The traffic was phenomenal.

I've followed the site occasionally and have had a private giggle every time the mods or owners have stated that nobody who has been banned can ever get back in, that's how secure their security is.

Anyone who cares enough to research will see the low ratings this site has and the reasons. It started (I believe) with good intentions but has turned into an echo chamber.

For the record, I divorced the WS as soon as was feasible. I have gone on to a fulfilling life and now at age 68 will be spending the rest of my life traveling until that's no longer possible. So far as my health allows.

Anyway, good luck to all of you who land here, If you're a BS, run. Far and fast. They ain't gonna change.

If you're a WS, also run. You're never gonna be forgiven.

Best wishes to all.

One Sad Lady.

Below is the message I sent you 15 years ago, after we banned your clique for violating guidelines and disrupting the purpose of our mission....

One sad lady,

Your exit post yesterday was seen as an effort to rally members to the cause of trying to reverse our decisions. Whether that is what you intended or not is not our concern. We have many years of experience in dealing with these situations and we are not going to tolerate members blatantly violating the guidelines. Especially when the guidelines are violated to cause us problems. That thread continues to be a distraction from the purpose of SI. You were not attacked by our staff. DS tried to reason with you and you wouldn't have it. YOU were on the offensive and we were defending our decisions. We should not have to do that on a website we founded, finance and operate.

You were a guest. You made a decision to post an exit post and argue with our staff. Our members see this for what it is. Your resistance group consists of approximately 5 individuals. Your cause has very little sympathy outside of your core. It is also being perceived that your group is continuing these tactics in an effort to continue to intimidate those that complained.

FYI, if you delete your SI cookie you will be able to read again. ******** can help you with that.

We also wish you the best.

True. The traffic here has lightened since you've been banned, but the support and advice provided by our members is still a consistent advantage to those in the throes of infidelity.

Merry Christmas and goodbye once again.

Merry Christmas!

Before I begin my early morning Christmas cooking prep (baking all done yesterday), let me reply by saying I came here some time back looking for answers/perspective for my old(ish) betrayal and have found much here that has helped me.

May I suggest that, if at 68, you are still so bitter as to strike out at a site on Christmas Eve that has helped so many over the years, its possible that your healing has been stunted. This is extraordinarily sad. I hope, that on this special day, you'll be able to lay down that burden of bitterness that you so obviously carry around.

Peace.

I echo the Christmas wish that you might be able to finally release these pains.

To the idea that this is now an echo chamber: I found so much wisdom and nuance and diversity of perspective here that it revitalized my heart and mind over the course of about 300 pages and two years. I don’t know what things looked like then, but I can testify that it is still a treasure now.

Merry Christmas.

If anything, this post might give members a peek into what the so called "Staff" are dealing with in the engine-room and behind the curtains. This particular instance is not unique.

I too wish you healing and that you find better use of your time. Have to say though that you have a knack for appropriate user-names…

OSL, hope you can let go of your anger.

While I am glad you moved on with you life, you are still very, very bitter.

I've been on this site for about 15? years and unintentionally broke some of the rules on a couple of occasions for which the moderators warned me.

Lessons learned.

I hope you find peace instead of trying to project your misery onto members here who are dealing with this living nightmare.

399 posts on this profile and 4476 on your other profile, but SI Is sUcH a TeRriBlE pLaCe!

You're obviously in some pain or you wouldn't have bothered coming back, on Christmas Eve no less. I hope you find peace. And I hope you do it without causing others any more pain.

Hi- I am going to come at this from a different angle.

From your perspective, this is all very real to you, what you feel happened. I am a big believer that what triggers us, or the things we can’t walk away from or put down are clues on how we can heal ourselves. I think you need to ask yourself very earnestly, what you have gotten by coming back to the site and making another announcement/declaration? And how can you give yourself these things in a positive way that makes you feel more empowered to put down the things that hold you back from being authentically happy?

I think this is less about the site and more about what doors you need to walk through in order to become whole. I am sorry you are struggling at the holidays, was your discovery around this time?

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:09 PM, Thursday, December 26th]

So let me make sure I have this right. You were banned for breaking the rules of the site, came back with a new profile, claimed you had no prior posts, invented a new history, deliberately deceived everyone (minus, presumably, your cronies who were also in on the game)... and you're accusing the staff of gaslighting the membership and disrespecting the mission of SI?

You also used resentment as entitlement for lies and manipulation, which is a classic wayward thought pattern.

..
..I've been on si for 15 years and continue to drop by to read and say hello to "old friends'.. and of course, to laugh it up on SPF. I'm glad that MH responded to your rant and put you in your place. no-one was twisting your arm to be on Si! many posters will say.. "Take what you need and leave the rest." I suggest to you the same advice.

While I'm here I'd like to thank MH and DS for their wonderful website and wish that DS was still with us. I have survived infidelity thanks to these two incredible people.

Happy New Year to everyone. Peace on Earth...good will toward men (and women).

smy

..just wanted to add that today marks the 15th anniversary of my joining this site. It was at the suggestion of my WW - looking forward that got me here- so many years ago! Thanks lf. xox

Dear OneSadLady/TotalIdiot,

I felt terribly sad reading this post, seeing your username(s), reading your signature ("I hate this"), and noting the date. It reads as the post of someone who is convincing herself that she is OK (divorced asap, fulfilling life, will travel), but who is actually deeply unhappy.

****
My pandemic puppy continues to be a constant source of delight. She waggles with every part of her body, leaps after her ball with abandon, and gathers her every brain cell to try to figure out the tricks I’m teaching her. She has also taught me many life lessons, and illuminated many bible lessons. She was in pain after a hernia operation, and when I tried to come near her, she bared her teeth and growled. Growled! At me, her beloved dispenser of beggin’ treats. I realized that dogs (people) who are in pain become immensely selfish-oriented and selfish. I’m not saying this in a judgmental way, but in an observational way. It happens that dogs (people) who are normally loving, other-focused, and giving become preoccupied with their pain and their needs.

As humans (not dogs) we can choose what to do with our pain. A lot of us deny, blame, lash out, or we have other terrible ways of dealing with it. The effect is that our pain does not go away and we have now hurt other people and our community.

In your pain, you lashed out at the SI community and, although you did not use his name, in a personal way at MH. And worse, though you may not (consciously) have realized it, on the 8th anniversary of the too-early death of his beloved wife. This was very wrong and very selfish.

Perhaps you think it doesn’t matter, perhaps you believe the harm done to you by expelling you from a community that was meaningful to you following the unilateral destruction of your marriage means that the harm you have done to him doesn’t matter. That could not be further from the truth. The way you conduct yourself matters, and taking responsibility for your actions matters. Although your ego will rail against apologizing, that is what you should do.

Don’t let lack of intentionality be a defense. Most of the hurtful things people do are not intentional.

Don’t let logistics be a defense. Send your apology to the into email that anyone can use even without an account. He will get it.

Don’t let balance be a defense. You may think that the small wrong you have done is far outweighed by the big wrongs he has done to you. Please make a bit of mental space for the chance that you are wrong about that, that in your painful situation you don’t see clearly.

Best wishes, onesadlady/totalidiot. I hope you become a peaceful wise lady.

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away with my groaning. Day and night your hand was heavy on my, and my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin, and did not cover my iniquity. I said "I will confess my transgression to the Lord, and you forgave the guilt of my sin. (psalm 32)

Why bother?