SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Merry Christmas

I am incredibly grateful for this site and to be able to leave this all here and engage with my beautiful children today. DS9 thanked me for making Christmas special as he witnessed some of the preparation and bustle this week.
WH was showing me a video on his phone last night when his OW called. I didn’t know he had a new OW until that moment.
I didn’t say or do anything. I didn’t feel anything. This is all on him.

After over 25 years together and first discovery 15 years ago, there is one certainty with WH, there is only one way for him to stop cheating, and that’s by removing the relationship with me. He can’t cheat if he’s not married/committed to someone. If I don’t want him to cheat on me, I need to end our relationship.

Our kids are growing up and I make more than twice his salary. The house is mine. we will all be fine.
If I could feel, I might be sorry for him and whoever OW is.

We will have a merry Christmas with our family today and tomorrow I will take steps to end this. Finally.

It’s a gift really.

luved, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this at Christmas. You show wisdom and grace with your post. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas despite him and his stupidity. You are the prize, and you'll be able to be free from all that, which you're right, is a gift.

Thank you so much nomudnolotus,

In all of the isolation and shame I feel being left behind and cuckhold all of these years, I always feel less alone when I post here.
Your words are a welcome gift to me. I’m off the fence, no longer in limbo and ready to move forward with love and joy.

Not that it matters but for 3 years I suspected this OW who ironically was a work colleague of his and now works for me in a totally different profession.

She made a really harsh comment about me to my assistant which took me by surprise and used private knowledge she would only have known from me or a family member about the death of my little sister this past year. He must have told her. I know I didn’t.

I’d rather live in the light than the darkness they revel in.

Many Thanks to you.

A lot of wisdom in your post, LMPB. Hard-earned…but you have both feet on the ground. You know what to do.

Merry Christmas to you!

I am saddened to read how the OW has infiltrated so much of your life and used your personal information against you. I am sorry for your loss and express my condolences to you for not only suffering through losing your duster but also what your husband (STBXH) put you through.

When the OW turns on your STBXH, please be prepared that you do not have to feel sorry for him or listen to his problems.

Set your expectations and boundaries to him as "you are no longer my problem" and you are not interested in him or his life anymore.

Is there a way to get away from working with this nasty person who is obviously very jealous of you?

I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have a plan to move forward. Best of luck to you.

Does he know you know?

Thank you for your kindness, The1stWife , I super appreciate it.

The working relationship is tough: I’ve known her for nearly 8 years as the principal of her kids’ school. She left a government desk job she worked parallel with STBXWH, and went back to school to earn her masters degree and teaching certification. She earned the job at my school fair and square (I had no idea they knew each other when I hired her 4 years ago).

There are no job performance issues. I could ask for a new school/transfer next year to help my own path forward. Honestly though, I’m not worried about her being on staff. With STBXWH out of my picture she won’t have info about me.’She never really had much before, but crossed a line when she complained to my new assistant principal that I was a mess and emotionally unpredictable when my sister was dying.

I’ve heard the opposite feedback often, that I was professional and measured throughout. In over 26 years this is my only complaint and while it stings it really reflects on her more than me.
I know her kids and her husband and I’m sad that this is her choice and his.

Just sad for all of us.

Thank you nekorb, I appreciate it very much. I don’t know how he could miss it. He was holding his phone when her name came up (first and last and uncommon) at 9:30 pm on Christmas Eve night.
STBXWH might not think I’ve connected all of the dots but he should know how smart I am and how little I miss by now. Then again, it’s hard to say.
He does keep hugging me and crying for no reason.

If he keeps hugging you and crying I think he knows you know. It's good that the house is yours, so you don't have to lose your home in the shitshow he created. Do your kids know?

I don’t believe so although the older two have heard their dad say things in the past that led them to believe he has someone else he spends time with.

So sorry you're going through this during a a holiday. Please take care of yourself and your children at this time. Not sure what to tell you except I'm glad you have the strength to accept what's been thrown at you so recently.

It really doesn’t matter who he ends up with. She will end up with him. Aaannnddd she will get him, a lying cheater. Wherever he goes there he is because we take ourselves on our journey. I assume, whoever she is, thinks she is getting a wonderful man. Uh, yep. That’s what she thinks.

I suggest you get a recliner, some popcorn and watch. It might take a while but, well, there he is, at it again, only someone else is dealing with it.

I just saw a doctor online who said singing floods us with joy. Go sing you heart out! Happy Very New Year to you!

Thank you leafields,

Hard earned strength for sure. It has been a long journey and considering how low my expectations are, this all really is his stuff. I was so filled with love. It didn’t matter that he didn’t help with any of the child rearing (4 kids), chores, bread winning (he spent several years on the couch out of work) and wasn’t very nice to me. He attempts to ruin every holiday (for example: rather than join our kids and I at my cousin’s house for Christmas dinner last night, he "went on a drive" from 6:30 pm to midnight because he "wasn’t doing so great because his dad died"——-11 years ago BTW).

Luckily the kids are super used to him checking out without explanation and didn’t even mention it. They thanked me for gifts and told me how much fun they had repeatedly.

I know he is unwell (untreated combat ptsd), but he could seek to heal and chooses not to. I’ll never be free of his chaos/dysfunction unless I end our marriage.

Thank you Cooley2here

I will sing my heart out and think of you.

You all are the best!

I had the privilege of listening to Aron Ralston share the story of his canyoneering accident where he eventually self-amputated his right arm. This was in a big conference amphitheater, with about 3000 people listening in apt amazement and silence, completely enthralled by his story.
He described how he analyzed his options, his attempts to escape, his evaluation of his situation and the consequences of each action, what tools he had, and eventually how he decided on a plan of action. That plan was to wait for a certain time – both defined in hours and physical condition – before cutting off his own right arm with a pen-knife.
He didn’t want to do it, he tried everything possible before deciding on this path, and he waited as long as possible before acting on it. Had other options become available he would have decided on them. But he realized that if he waited too long or if he took no action he would be too weak to see his plan through and die.

What reached out directly to me was when he described the sense of calm and purpose once he reached his decision. I have personally had that same experience a couple of times when reaching hard and tough decisions. Generally when deciding on something I would most of all not have to decide on, and often a path that is painful and hard, but based on my options – the best way forward. A sense of calm and purpose...

Reading your post, it seems you too have reached that place. A place of calm and purpose because you have realized what your best option might be. Not necessarily the one you wished for or wanted, but the one that will help you escape the infidelity-canyon you are stuck in at the moment.

Many thanks Bigger,

The story you shared is extraordinary. And
It reinforces for me that taking action is essential.
I know I’m not going to feel better with a fully completed divorce but I will walk away from a lifetime during which I felt lesser because I couldn’t make my husband happy.

But I can’t make him happy. That’s his job.

I still have my arm, so it could be much worse. I may even start feeling my heart again when this is all over.

A couple of things hit me reading on here nearly every day. Absolute pain brings out absolute clarity once the fog melts away. The second thing is how very smart people come here and try to support people they will never meet. Third, there is poetry when people become phoenixes and rise from the ashes. Loved, your last post was just that. It is time to rise.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:52 PM, Friday, December 27th]

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[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:54 PM, Friday, December 27th]