SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of my WH best friends since childhood, that I've also known for 30+ years is also a WH. A few years back him and his wife (who we hung out with as couples since we were in our early twenties) got a divorce and the truth came out that he had been having multiple As, even had an apartment somewhere in the city that she hadn't known about where he would take other women . This was several years prior to my WH own A.

We were all completely shocked and I was so saddened for his W but also that a person I truly had liked, respected and thought of as a good guy up until then could have done all these horrible things.

Fast forward a few years and we are 2 years out from our own DD and I still can not quite fathom how both these men that I've known more than half my life have turned out to be such utter douchebags.

Then today we got the word that WH friend has cancer. Lymphoma. His prognosis should be fairly good but it's still serious, he's started chemo and has three rather young kids that he shares custody for with is ex.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post I just felt such a mixture of feelings I needed to try and discuss with probably the only other people on the planet that might get it....
On one hand I'm deeply worried and feel sorry for him. On the other hand I feel like Karma came calling....like perhaps he deserves it almost (I feel horrible for even writing that out or even thinking it). It's also triggering because it got me thinking what karma awaits my WH, the father of my children at some point? On the other hand, I mainly think it's just bad luck because I know many wonderful people that have gotten horrible diseases that have never done anything horrible to bring on that kind of karma. It's not like every person who gets a shitty deal in life has done something to deserve it (I sure as hell don't believe I've done anything quite so horrible that I deserved this A shit at least, but who am I to say what I may have done in a previous life if one believes in that type of stuff).

So a bunch of messy feelings got triggered in me with this news.

Sorry that you're feeling triggered. Cancer sucks.

The brain and the heart aren’t always in step with one another. The brain is too logical the heart not so much. I get it. If I heard the OW had cancer my heart would smile and think "thank you karma" yet my brain would say "careful, FWH could be next using that logic". I just acknowledge the inconsistencies in my feeling and move on. How I feel or think isn’t going to change the situation one way or the other. As much as I’ve tried, 😬😬😂 I can’t wish bad on anyone or prevent it. My feelings about said bad things are really irrelevant.

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 4:49 PM, Thursday, December 26th]

If I heard the OW had cancer my heart would smile and think "thank you karma" yet my brain would say "careful, FWH could be next using that logic"

This is exactly how my thought pattern around this is. If this is karma then what's in wait for my WH?

I hate that infidelity has made me have such horrible almost hateful thoughts and feelings about people I used to genuinely love and care about. I hate that the fact that knowing he had many As has made me think less of him and that I have mixed feelings about him having cancer now.

The loss of myself is certainly the absolutely worst part in all of this journey. Not just in my relationship to my own WH but to anyone else I know who has had an A. In how I view the world, people, marriage, love. It's made me so much less compassionate towards those people, I've lost the belief in love, goodness, family and honesty. This was just one more way it reared its ugly head for me. The magic is lost for me and with it I lostt such a huge piece of myself and my way of relating to people and life.

[This message edited by Miserylikescompany at 12:44 PM, Friday, December 27th]

Misery ...I can so relate what you have said about not liking how it has changed you. I think this often....I am different. Uggghh. I do see sparks of the old me at times, but underlying that I feel this different part of me.

I really am trusting in time, the old me, more accurately, a better version of me will be formed. I do believe God is using this for good, but I am not yet out of the firey trial. May you be blessed.

One of the terms people use is "the fabric of the community/family". We have a very shredded fabric now. We have people on social media who openly live lives our grandparents would be horrified about. Well known celebrities flaunt affairs and often thrive. We assume we are not swayed by those kinds of things but we are. Your ws just went with the flow.
The man who is ill is just that, ill. He made many horrible decisions that provided him temporary highs but my guess is he was always looking for something missing in him. His karma has always being who he is and what he is.
Your thoughts are painful to you because you never thought you would feel this way. Welcome to the club. In my extended family is a mother who left her children while they were at the cusp of puberty and partied across the US. I enjoy finding her online because her lifestyle has caught up with her. She is in her 40s and looks 100. I admit to feeling gleeful.

It sucks that infidelity has put us here, I understand the mixed feelings. My WW's affair cheerleader is a serial cheater. She never apologized for her part in the A's. A few years later she was in another A and the AP beat her up, she was black and blue. I absolutely hate violence, especially against women, but I had this awful feeling of "good hope she learned something". I don't like feeling that way, but I didn't ask for her Karma to come calling, it just did.

I don't think the karma is that he got cancer, but that he got cancer and no longer has a loving wife or family to support him while he fights it. And, should he succomb to his cancer, he'll likely have so many regrets. Cancer sucks. My former FIL, a wonderful man to the very end, passed in early November to colon cancer.