I did not do the "180", at least, not the strict version of it I have seen here on SI. But, I did set down very strong boundaries, and they were not negotiable. It made for some very uncomfortable and sometimes loud arguments.
My fWW was more broken than she ever let on. I think if I had gone all 180, she may have finished herself off. Yes, she may have committed suicide. It came close a few times. I had to approach the boundaries with a great deal of compassion for the "whys" of what had made her so needy of affirmation that she was willing to slut herself out to men to get them to desire her. On one hand, I would not tolerate any more communication with past men who were in any way involved in cheating, from EA to PA. I would not tolerate anything other than 100% access to her phone, email, devices, etc. Any breach of this, and we were done. And I would tell our families why I had to divorce her. I was not taking any blame. I also pushed her hard to jettison any of her friends who were not friendly to our marriage. In that way I was hard core.
The mercy came as I realized the tt that she did for years had nothing to do with wanting to not tell the truth, but from deeper places of shame and fear, and a critical lacking of introspection on her part. Even though she was a very intelligent woman (a scientist) she was brought up in a home that lacked any emotional intelligence, and it showed. Feelings were not just something you did not talk about, they were to be quashed and all costs and swept away. Never to be thought of again. Nobody modeled or taught her how to feel, let alone question her feelings. That is what took the most time to get back on track.
The 180 means to me, don't do the pick me dance, have clear boundaries, work on yourself first (independently) make the WS work on themselves, and if you want to make it work, be compassionate. I am sure there will be more knowledgeable people who will also respond, but that is my two cents.
