SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The few days leading up to Christmas I was in a bit of a lull. Since finding out about WH business closing and that meeting with the boss of the company telling me how wonderful the AP was (I have posted previously about this), I had been a bit up and down. I think it was mainly because my WH didn’t handle it the way I wanted in our discussions (in fairness I don’t think I would have like anything he said or did).
Anyways it kind of lead me down a bit of a spiral and I have since come to realize I think I pain shop. As soon as I get a bit down, I start asking the same old questions, I look up her FB page and I start thinking of all the details I already know that make me the most upset. Why? Why do I do this? I also stop doing the things I love which was dampening my Christmas Spirit.
But over the last few days I have read some more really good advice on some of the other posts, some of which I have read before but the reminder is what I needed. And then I read a phrase I absolutely loved "I’m happy and I’m Married" (not happily married) and I loved it. Credit of OnTheOtherSideOfHell. I got my holiday cheer back on and am enjoying this time of year with my children and family.

Brava for redirecting yourself and snapping yourself out of it!

I think pain shopping is a trauma response that can become a bad habit. Back when I was in the thick of it, I saved everything in a private Google blog. Links to my posts here, copies of PMs with my SI besties, journal entries, and copies of anything affair related. I had been so badly burned by 14 years of gaslighting and my own denial that I needed "the truth" in black and white, and I needed to look at it often. I deleted that several years ago, and it felt momentous when I did.

I still check the AP's socials every few weeks. About once a year, I look her up on PublicData to see if her address has changed or if she has any new arrests. I think that's a comparison/self-esteem thing. Maybe someday I'll break the habit, but I'm not going to place any unrealistic expectations or demands on myself and set myself up to feel like shit if/when I fail.

Again, great job taking good care of yourself.

and I have since come to realize I think I pain shop

If you replace "pain shop" with "revel in my victimhood" things become clearer.

I did the same thing for many, many years, before having a minor epiphany that I was basically just strengthening my victimhood when I did all that. It just strengthened my identity as who I am (poor victim), so I was trading off the strength of my identity for my happiness.