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It's been a long slow process of trying to get information out of my wife about something that may have happened a few years ago in 2021. Back then we were going through sorta a rough time in our marriage. I was working long hours, and she also worked too. She would work after our ...... was off of school on like a swing shift with a local store as a cashier/self check out helper.

Well long story short, back then I notice that she started to get friendly with a guy online, which at first was not a huge deal. But as a few months go by, I can see that her online comments to were getting more and more "friendly". After I did some digger myself, I found out the guy was a traveling worker that had been at the store she works at doing some upgrades to the store. I begin to look on our phone records that she also had been sends lots of txts back to a number that was out of state. Then on day she left a comment on one of his online pages and he told her that it would be better if she would get a seperate texting app. to txt from now on.
After that I could tell what was going on. Because she never did send any more text's to the out of state number, or comment on this guys online page. Till one night, her phone just happen to ping with a message and it was sitting on a table next to me. It was just a simple message asking what she was doing right now.
Well, that's when I let her know I sorta knew that something is going on. And spelled some things out about us. She admitted that she meet this guy at work, and a relationship with him was just starting to get warmed up. And it was because how things were going with us at the time.

I asked her at the time, how far it has gone with him, and she just said " It hasn't really gone anywhere" " This just sorta really just started and nothing has happen between them" "She didn't have sex with him or anything like that". She went on to tell that she hadn't meet him in private or nothing. Well, right then she sent a txt to him cutting him off from her. And a few days later he did get moved across the country. We got our marriage and life right again and everythingss been good since then. That was all back in 2021.

Cut to just the other day. We were drinking, and letting lose about alot of our past adventure's with partners long before we got married, stuff we never talked about before. We were laughing about past lovers. Then I did bring out about the guy that was at her store back in 2021. She was like "Oh him, we were just having those troubles with us. And he was a little younger, and was muscular and hot " " And he has started to flirt and pay attention to her alot" which " Made her feel special again".
Then I asked her how far did it really.... go with him? I told her that I just wanted to know and it was along time ago, and water under the bridge. She would almost say something then stop. Then I asked if he ever asked her out? She said "Yes". Then I ask her was it back to his place? " She said "Yes".

I asked her did you go? She didn't answer right away, then " Yes. I went to he's house" Then I asked her then what? How far did it go. She just said "It didn't go far, he invited me in and did try to get "close" with her, but she stopped everything before anything happen with him".
Right then she just told me to not to worry about the past and she then just changed the subject to something else. It's been along process and getting more out of my wife about what happen back then. But more is coming out. And the more that comes out it sounds like in my mind that something did happen with her and him. What do you guys think? Did she? I know everything happen back in 2021, but if she did it back them would she do it again if she had the chance?

Sorry you're finding yourself here, but you're in a good place. Start looking through the healing library and pay special attention to "Joseph's Letter" https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/
The sad truth is that there's fire here...or at least a great deal of smoke. Try as you might, this will always nag at you. Don't rug sweep. You owe it to yourself to try to get to the bottom of this.
Stay strong.

Unfortunatly based on your account, she directly lied to you, saying they never met together in private. You were married, that is not good in my opinion. How will she react in the future when you have problems as a married couple?

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 2:16 AM, Tuesday, December 31st]

My story is different and the same, prepare yourself as if she says she slept with him ten times, and there were others. We just cant believe that they would but they did.

Thanks for the replies and input. It just been nagging me. Since at first she said that nothing happen, then years later say it went alittle farther. Then the way how she just wanted to end what we were talking about and change the subject. My gut, says that she didn't just stop after getting to his place, but went all the way with him.

To answer your question in the title of your post, "yes" she cheated. Did she have sex with him, most likely. People with more experience and wisdom than me will come here and tell you the same. Sorry.

You should look into having her submit to a polygraph. Won't be an easy discussion, but her reaction will give you insight into how truthful she's being. Ultimately it will indicate how honest she's been in telling you her version of events. Don't take any longer than necessary to take action.

[This message edited by 1994 at 3:52 AM, Tuesday, December 31st]

Nate... I am sorry this is happening to you.

Your user name appears to be a real name. If your user name is your actual name you might want to get in touch with the moderators and see if they can change your user name to something that will not identify you. We try to stay anonymous on this site.

It appears that cheaters seem to follow a pattern of actions that only varies with individual circumstances. One of those actions is that the cheater will tell the betrayed as little as possible. You will probably never get all the truth at once... if ever.

For example, in case you find out some more about her interactions with the "muscular and hot" young man, and then, when you confront her with this new information which was more than she has already admitted to, at this new confrontation she will probably only admit to as much of the additional information as you recently found out... nothing more. You will probably never get any additional information from her. All new information about her affair you will probably find out by yourself with no help from her.

It is called "Trickle Truth"... death by a thousand cuts. Each time the betrayed finds out additional information about the affair it seems to take the betrayed back to their original pain when they found out they had been betrayed. It appears to take their healing back to zero.

Sometimes it takes years to get all the truth out and even then a betrayed spouse might possibly always wonder if there was more they haven't been told.

It has been said here many times that it is not the cheating and betrayal that causes the marriage to end, but the continual lying by the cheater after being found out.

At the present time there is an interesting conversation thread in the Wayward Side forum titled "Please, what have I done..." It is all about "Trickle Truths" and half truths and the fallout damage they cause. Interesting reading.

I hope you have been told all the truth, but after reading many, many of these betrayals I seriously doubt it.

Others will be a long to help you with specific steps you can take.

Good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 4:42 PM, Wednesday, January 1st]

I'm sorry, grown-ups don't behave this way, we go home with someone for ONE reason. And what does home mean, was he a part of a team franchises like Walmart, Lowes, Home Depot use to stand up a store or to fix deficiencies, like a "super team"... They stay at hotels, right, so your WW went back to his hotel room, vs she she went to his house and sat in the driveway, big difference. Sorry, reality is harsh.

JMO, alcohol worked well the first time...if you need more.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 10:22 PM, Tuesday, December 31st]

Well . . .

I would repeat the last two posts - Ya, I think she did the deed.

For you, choices

First - you decide to polygraph or ??? to get her to tell you "the truth" - and you are then left with the question is she telling the truth and/or is the polygraph result correct (keep in mind 80% rule)

Second, just assume she did the deed. Ok, now what?

That "what" is your problem and, really, the problem is the same for any answer. (80% again)

Life if tough sometimes and this in one of those times that has visited your life.

Post here for other perceptions of whatever answers you get or questions/quandaries you have.

I vote for accepting she was as xxxx back then for xxxxxxxx resons and NOW she is . . .

Can you accept what you have now?

Yes or No - you have to learn to live with the history.

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, I have to agree with the other members. IMO there's a 99.99999% chance she had a physical affair with this guy.

Adults don't go back to someone's house/hotel room to chit chat. They go for sex.

Cheaters lie and they minimize their actions, it seems your wife has gaslighted you for years.

So sorry, hope you can get the truth, you deserve to know exactly what your wife was doing with another man.

BTW, there's never any justification for an affair, don't let her blame you bc your marriage was having some issues at that time. All marriages have ups and downs, many spouses don't cheat.

Drip, drip, drip. Your gut is probably right.

It would appear your relationship is transactional. As long as she is fulfilled and happy she is faithful.

It doesn't sound like she has grown personally from her her previous disloyalty.

She is not loyal.

Nate, many of us are in a similar spot. Quite difficult to learn the full truth years later. I would recommend approaching this as if she gave it all up, at least once, when she went to his house. Doing this with forethought and on purpose. If you (rightfully) presume this, are you interested in reconciliation? Do you think she would behave differently now? Is this guy still in her contacts or socials?

My wife claims to have stopped at "making out" with her AP. Probably only admitting this because I was told of the problem by her friend who is with her on the trip. Short of polygraph, there is very few ways to get more truth out of her. In my case, as in yours, I had to face the likely truth that it went all the way. The next question is is she reformed? Do I think she would do better in the future? Do I still want her here with me? Same questions that you have with your wife, I believe. There will be guys here it would cast her aside for lying. Their lies are fear based. She just thinks you’ll leave her if she tells you the truth.

I can only tell you about my "trickle truth" experience.

Back in 1977, I found a note in my husband’s guitar case from the sister of his bandmate. It said something like "thank you for the beautiful evening".

I asked WH about it. He said the sister was having a difficult time, broke up with her boyfriend, he talked with her, she thanked him, no big deal. I knew better, he wouldn’t budge.

We separated in 1978. He returns, we talk, he claims nothing happened with that sister. Over the years, this came up, he sticks to the story.

In 2005, he is caught cheating in a PA. Confesses that he kissed that sister, had oral sex only, that one time.

In 2023, he is caught in EA online. Confesses sex with that sister, oral twice, full sex once. What do I believe? Sex both times, probably more than that.