SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't posted in a while but as I approach a life transition it seems to be a good time. I have been with my companion for six years, on and off, though mostly on. He's a neighbor, 6 years old, and I suspect on the autism spectrum. He was married for 20 years, no kids, still on good terms with his ex-wife who lives in another state. He's been my rock since WXH cheated and left DD and me to move in with OW. I had a very bad year when we met -- was dumped by a bf after finding out I had a permanent STD. Then experienced a devastating fire in which I was injured trying to save animals. SO took my call from the hospital ER (where I had arrived by ambulance) picked me up in the middle of the night and took me to his home and cared for me while I healed.

We've had our ups and downs since. His Asperger/ADHD tendencies make emotions difficult. He has never said he loves me but he shows it in his love language, listening, cooking meals and holding my hand. We travel well together and enjoy each others' company (though I find his meandering monologues on details and OCD quirks off putting at times -- these are minor issues). Our relationship has been nonsexual the past 2 years, due to low testosterone (he's a few years older than me). I also suspect his lack of interest is trauma related due to a very difficult childhood. He says it's okay for me to have an open relationship, and I saw someone else for about a year, but polyamory is not my thing. Also, I am in my early sixties and sex doesn't matter to me as much. The STD makes it awkward (I disclose before sex but I still feel ashamed) but in my own experience sex was always transactional -- a duty I had to perform in my marriage and resented. Romance seems to be the first thing that goes anyway, and in my own experience it was hard to feel romantic toward a partner after a few years because they started to feel like a brother or uncle. Does anyone else feel that way?

Sharing all this because I have agreed to move in with SO next spring. The reasons are mostly financial: He has acreage and a large home, and I want to invest in land. We're considering a live in arrangement where the rent I pay will be half the mortgage, as an investor, not a tenant. As a condition, I want to make sure he updates his estate plan to reflect this agreement. He has no heirs. I have never owned property and my ex's family owned the land we lived on. I have enough money to buy my own modest home, but property ownership by myself never appealed to me. I want to live with someone and not grow old alone.

I am sharing all this for the following reasons -- because I am wondering if this sounds nutty to consider a future with someone like this? We care for each other deeply but a part of me wonders whether I am really done with sex and a normal relationship, and if planning a nonsexual future with someone is a trauma response.

Believe it or not, I can relate a lot to your situation. I'm 73, in in-house-separation for 22 freaking YEARS due to my WH's infidelity and his mental issues (ADHD/autistism spectrum/Schizotypal/Narcissistic/Psychopathic traits, PICK ONE! plus an arrest record with prostitution!) Yet he is 66 and has nowhere else to really go if I boot him out of the home he helped me pay for and then paid the mortgages off, but had to give me in exchange for my old home (of somewhat lesser value) as part of our post-arrest legal marital agreement back in 2014.

Well, I had high hopes we could do the roommate thing as we did sort of get along and he was all sorry about his disconnects mentally (never sought deeper help). But, it's a total drag living with his daily dismissive and even rude communications - or better said, lack thereof. Yet he obviously doesn't want to let go of what he still has (a room in my house!), gives me many "acts of service" even as he drives me NUTSO, so I am feeling like at this age....stay or go gets more complicated.

What I'd recommend is that you do several things here:

a. Talk to an attorney but be prepared for major confusion on their part.

b. Imagine he's actually your older brother and what an older brother would expect out of such a living-together relationship. And then, don't forget that your brother would be truly happy for the most part, if you found a romantic and loyal lover, whereas someone like this believes that what they offer you instead should be ENOUGH. And I mean that. They really DON'T GET IT about emotional needs. I'm at the point where the disrespectfulness - always claims he 'didn't mean it that way' yet I notice he NEVER gives this inattention to his friends, that I ever see - is pointing towards the conclusion that he has a fundamental disrespect of women that goes way, way back in his life. AND HE IS UNAWARE OF IT.

c. You will never, ever be able to extricate yourself easily from this situation once you enter it, trust me. So please make sure there is some way that if you ever got to where people get to, and need for your own sanity to get out of the bind, you don't end up hurting someone else. Because they do have a disability and it's like they want you to "lift them up" every day to help them be normal. I'm just tired of that after multiple D-Days.

Otherwise, it's not that crazy.....my dear friend now 80, had married a much older man after her divorce, and they had a strange kind of marriage for over 25 years, but I do think it wasn't always platonic. I saw her total devotion to him for over a year as he lay bedridden until he died at age 94. She told me he never once in all those years really told her he loved her or even bought her a birthday card!! He just left her the farm. He was old WWII/Korea/Vietnam decorated Army Colonel and was divorced himself, (first wife cheated) and really was a solitary man, wasn't autistic I don't think, but was just not schooled in the niceties of romance! I know he was jealous as hell of her, she couldn't even go to lunch with me in town (she was a beauty).

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:53 PM, Tuesday, December 31st]

because I am wondering if this sounds nutty to consider a future with someone like this?

It is not nutty if this R works for you and it is enough for you? It does not sound (?) like the non-sexual R is an issue for you? Have you considered working with a counseling to help sort this out?

I remember when my cousin was dating, she is like "I am just looking for someone to grow old with and care for each other as we age...." It sounds like that is what you found in him.

I have more concern regarding how the legalities of the partnership would work. IE if you decide in two years that this is not working for you, what would that division look like? IE is there some sort of agreement of what financial monies you would receive if you opted to leave? Or would you just consider that to be similar to rent and cut ties?

Whereas if he would pass away unexpectedly in a year, what does that look like?