SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BTW AspectNorth.... have you jumped into the dating scene yet?

If so, I wish you all the luck in the world after what your exWW put you through.

AN,

I have read all your threads and it is such a heart wrenching story, as many are. Can you please give a update on your situation. The one thing I remember that perked my interest was that the Betrayed Wife of your wife's AP showed interest in you. I was thinking, boy....what of this woman was wonderful for you? Wouldn't that be poetic justice.

But, as I am learning, those things are for movies and seem to rarely happen in real life. Anyway....I hope you are well moving on with view to future.

First, I'd echo what others have said. Don't lie to your children to protect them.

As to third parties, your agreed-upon response was clearly crafted by your cheating wife to protect herself. It's consistent with everything she has done through this process, starting with the therapist-orchestrated "amnesty disclosure" structure forced upon you while you were captive during covid lockdown.

I'm happy to see you are ending the marriage, but puzzled why you remain so passive even now. Here's a better response: "My wife decided she enjoyed having sex with AP more than being married to me. Being a gentleman, I'm giving her the freedom to do that as much as she wants to."

Butforthegrace - nice way to state the truth:

"My wife decided she enjoyed having sex with AP more than being married to me. Being a gentleman, I'm giving her the freedom to do that as much as she wants to."

People who assume you cheated will assume that you did something to make her cheat- Just move on you owe them nothing-

My d-day was something like 5 weeks before our marriage. Invites had been sent out, and seeing as I wasn’t going to marry her I sent out a letter to the guest-list that went something like "Bigger won’t be attending the marriage. She might – after all it looks like she found someone else..." or something along those lines.
In retrospect, it’s the ONLY thing I regret about my actions at d-day and the following months.
Whatever joy revenge and "consequences" (whatever people mean by that) I got, it’s been lost repeatedly in my regret for lowering my standards.

Look friend – If asked, then be clear that you didn’t cheat. I like the "why assume it was I who cheated", but I’m still pretty satisfied with my suggestion: "I couldn’t get over her infidelity"

I can promise you one thing: People will ask now. Some will gossip, ask around, try to find out who OM is, wonder why she chose that loser, some will claim they saw the writing on the wall, some will say good riddance – and refer to you – and some will say the same referring to her. Then in a very short time... Like a month... nobody will bother.
Some of your marital friends will remain your friends, some will be her friends, some will bravely try to hold on to both and some will disappear from your life. Hopefully her family will be nice and amicable to you, but you won’t be invited to the family reunion next summer. Not any more than she will be invited back to your family’s cabin or whatever. Life goes on, and in a few weeks – months at most – nobody will give a hoot.

Hi ApsectNorth

Yours is one of the most painful stories I've read here.

That aside, you have gotten some great advice (and one-liners) here so I will leave it at that.

I just would like to point out that this seems like more effort from your WW to manipulate you to carry on, her carefully crafted image.
She portrayed that image to you, the public and the world....everyone except AP.

It is no longer your job to protect her image. She is more concerned about that image than anything.

She was not concerned about the children when she was with AP, it is more likely that while she may want to protect the children to some degree, she is MORE concerned with protecting her own image. This seems like this is just another example in a long list of your WW trying to steer you into doing what SHE needs.

Stop protecting her. She is your ex. Also she wasn't even willing to keep to her marriage vows. What they hell should hold you to some verbal agreement not to "assign blame". It's her goddamn fault. Simply say "we separated due to her infidelity". That's a fact without a specific blame statement (assuming we are in the normal world and not one of strict ideological adherence to no blame shifting). If she calls it "blame" just let her pretend blame shifting is relevant and that she can explain to the world how her cheating was somehow your fault.

As part of the separation and D process, FWW and I agreed that for the sake of our children, we would refrain from assigning blame etc, and simply tell others (friends and other than close family who know the full details) that we separated and divorced "due to infidelity".

Was this her idea? I know you say "we" agreed...but was it both of you?

How unfair that she blows your life up and you are protecting her. This is not protecting your kids. This is protecting her. I'm not saying you need to scream it out...but it should be known to ALL, including the kids, that it was her fault.

Trust me. This has a way of coming back and biting the betrayed down the road.

Take the blame:

"It was my fault, I just couldn’t get along with her boyfriend."

How are you doing, AN? The response on this thread is telling, there are a lot of people here who care about you.