SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there. I know this isn’t a space for me, I’m the partner who had the affair. I joined because my partner felt I did not truly understand what I did and how it was wrong. I thought reading through survivors perspectives and their words would help with that. It has helped me tremendously, I see the hurt that infidelity causes, but not just the surface. How it lives inside of each of you forever, how it takes a part of the deepest part of you, your self esteem self confidence self worth.

I came here asking for your advice. I love my partner, he is my soul mate. I know how deeply I’ve hurt him, I’ve been in individual therapy to work on myself and the parts of me that betrayed him. I’ve changed how I react to him, I’ve learned how I use words to cut deep at him which only digs the betrayal in deeper. We have sat down and gone through a full disclosure process where I told him everything that happened and answered all his questions. We’ve since had smaller disclosure sessions, whenever he’s asked for it or needed it.

However we are now at an impasse. He tells me that he does not believe me. There are specific details at times he doesn’t believe and I go through and tell him everything and answer any question he has, other times he says it doesn’t believe any of it, or knows other things happened.

I know you all are strangers but from the very bottom of my heart I am being honest with him. I haven’t hidden anything, sugarcoated things, lied. I trust and believe in the disclosure process, and knowing every betrayal I made and he can tell me what he needs at anytime to reassure his doubts now. I do believe that he can’t know what his insecurities are without my telling him everything that happened, and I believe in continuing full transparency to heal and rebuild that trust between us.

But what do I do when he says I’m lying? He says we can be together I just have to tell him the truth, but I haven’t hidden. I’ve offered to have other people confirm details, I’ve offered to take polygraph tests. I beg him to go to therapy and see if a therapist can help us, he won’t do any of those things. We’re stuck in this endless loop of I’m lying and here’s things I’m lying about, and me going back through them all, but his response is still he knows more happened and he’ll only entertain him and I staying together if I tell him every detail. He says he has enabled me to continue to not give him full disclosure and he has to hold me to this.

But I have. I’ve told him everything, every graphic detail. And I don’t know what to do now. Please if anyone has any advice they can give, I would so greatly appreciate it

Welcome to SI, it’s brave of you to put yourself out here. I always admire that from someone who has strayed.

First, it is a very very high rate of former waywards that claim they have disclosed everything and, in fact, have not. So I have a very high degree of skepticism that this is true. If you haven’t, and you are holding back the pieces that you believe in your heart of hearts that he will leave you for if he ever finds out, tell him.

But even if you do that, you will still have this problem. This is the fundamental risk you take when you make the choice to lie: no one but you can ever know where the lies end. You could have told him everything, or you could be concealing 90% of it. An affair blows up the house of trust. Trickle truth burns it to ashes.

And so then it is on him to choose whether or not to give you some trust on credit. If he does, it’s a completely unmerited gift, or an echo of familiarity from the past. But he sure as hell doesn’t have to, and no one can blame him.

You can prove certain events with receipts and hard evidence. But he can always wonder what else there is. When you made yourself into a liar about one of the most important things in the world, you took a risk that you would never be trusted again. All you can do is be fully honest and non-defensive and understanding when he doesn’t believe you. And then you wait and see.

Just curious. Did you at any time say or even call in to question his ability to please you sexually? For example did you ever say or make him believe you cheated because he wasn't enough physically.. ie. Not big enough, not enough stamina, your AP was better in the bedroom, wanted to try things that you wouldn't do with your husband etc? I ask because this can be a major hurdle and honestly at times almost insermountable regardless of what you say or do. If your actions indicated you received more pleasure from your AP in this area and your words say otherwise he won't believe you.

Welcome to SI and sorry for your scenario. There are some posts pinned to the top of the Wayward forum that you may find helpful. Plus, there are some by DaddyDom that are on the first page that may be helpful. The Healing Library at the top of the site has lots of resources for both the betrayed and the wayward.

You registered in March 2025, but don't mention how long ago your dday(s) were. It can take at least 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and sometimes longer. When your BP (betrayed partner) learns new information about the A (affair), it set the healing clock back to zero. And that first year is brutal. Once the trust is gone, it takes consistent actions over time to rebuild. It may take a year or so for him to establish trust, and then it will probably never be 100%.

Now, here's the hard part. You work on healing you and he works on healing him. Maybe he needs therapy, maybe he doesn't, but it's his decision and his healing journey.

The thing about trauma is that your body doesn't recognize the difference between being chased by a lion or betrayal trauma. His brain has been flooded with all kinds of bodily chemicals trying to make sure that he's safe. If he's repeatedly asking the same question(s), that's your brain on betrayal trauma. He's trying to make sure that there isn't a lion there waiting to eat him. When he asks questions, give the details that you have without changing the wording. When he says he doesn't believe you, you can let him know that you're sorry he doesn't believe you but you've provided all the details that you can.

By the way, have you read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It's a nice blueprint of what you can do, and it may have some tips for you.

@ InkHulk - I 100% understand the skepticism and I wouldn't expect anything else. For some context: Our DDate was August 2021. The first year I did not fully believe it was an A. That first year was spent with him conveying to me how he felt and his opinions of the A, the last 2-3 years have been my disclosure to him and my continued disclosure. We are having more of an issue where he will not look at any of my evidence. We have the same conversation over and over. One of us reaches out and it's "hi how are you" "im okay" "I just wish you would tell me everything that happened" or "you won't show any accountability" and I express my feelings about the A, I have pages and pages of texts I've sent him about how what I did was wrong and I betrayed us both, ive used the thesaurus to try to exactly convey his feelings so he is heard or my feelings so he knows exactly where I am or we start the disclosure again with any questions he has and I answer them all, but his response is always the same. "Im more than happy to talk, but you have to tell me everything that happened beginning to end. Every physical and emotional detail. Again Im more than happy to talk. when and if you can be courageously open, honest, transparent, graphic, and detailed about exactly what you did. Then we can be together." I'll respond saying yes, let's sit down and go from beginning and end. Then he goes silent and won't respond to me or take my call. A week or so later, the cycle repeats. I know it's hard to believe someone who is the WP and I fully deserve that, I don't think I deserve anything more. It's a year of this. and I do love him more than anything, I feel so horrible saying this and I won't ever tell him, but the last several months I have been struggling really badly. I don't sleep or eat anymore, my house is a disaster, it is disgusting. I am barely hanging on at work. My whole life is spending waiting at my phone for his text. He's mentioned to me mostly recently this last week that my not responding back to him in a certain time frame "10 minutes or 10 hours" he says it's stressful for him and its hurting him emotionally. I try to take time to really think about my responses because I know I have a sharp tongue and I can be very rash and reactionary. Ive spent the past year working on being much more mindful about my words and my feelings and not putting the anger I have with myself on him. But I don't know how much long I can do this

I’m just curious what justification did you have that this was not an affair? Was it physical? Was it just a one night stand? Was it just inappropriate message or conversations?

Prior to the A, BH and I weren't speaking or seeing each other. We had gotten into an argument about when we would be seeing each other the following week. I asked him what days he thought he'd be free and he more or less he wasn't sure and he'd have to let me know. It was the weekend and I was planning stuff for my coming week, which was just like days I would go run, my grocery list for my dinners that week, my therapy appointment. I pushed him about it because I wanted to get those things done but he got pretty upset and told me I was pressuring him and that we would talk about it later and I said I was sorry for upsetting him and that it was okay to talk later when he had more time. but I never heard from him again. he never responded, he never came over. The next time I heard from him was when I texted him five months later. And even that was me asking him to sign the title of my old car because I was going to sell it. Which was really like a business transaction. I reached out to him in July as well but it was a very short 3 or 4 text conversation. Nine months after our fight he texted me about having a new job by mine and getting a drink after work. The A happened during that time frame

Have I read that correct....

You didn't hear from your husband in 5 months? At all.....

What are the dynamics there if that is the case? If I didn't hear from my spouse in 5 months I'd wonder if I was even a thought in their mind or even alive for that matter.

Hi unpackshare,

I don't usually respond to other messages on here because I feel like I'm in no good place to give advice really, but I am always interested in posts from WS's so you got my attention.

Your last post though...
I hate to be the one to suggest this and this could absolutely be my trauma brain speaking, but do you know where he was/who he was with/what he was doing for those 5 months?
I wonder if he might be deflecting?

My WS is a drug addict, and during his relapses, would often tell me I was 'gaslighting' him or accuse me of things that he was doing himself. He was projecting onto me, I think to try to distract me from the things he was doing wrong himself.

As TinyTIm1980 pointed out, that's not a 'normal' dynamic for a relationship, not hearing from or seeing your partner in five months. And honestly, if that was the case, I'm not even sure he can accuse you of being 'unfaithful' really, unless I've misunderstood something here? It sounds like you were not actually 'together' at the time.