SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out 2 weeks ago my husband of 8 years had sex with another woman 4 times in hotel rooms. Unprotected. I guess you could say it was a coworker but it’s not someone he actually works with. Long story. Doesn’t matter. She’s no longer in the picture. It was just sex. She’s married with children also. He’s saying and doing all the right things. I believe this can work but I don’t know. It seems so unfair. This wasn’t a tragedy to work through. This didn’t happen to us. He did this to me - and I’m left with these heart breaking soul crushing feelings. I have a 3 year old and 7 year old. I’m in the thick of parenting. He works LONG hours. I feel so alone. I feel so broken. I feel so hurt. Today is the hardest day thus far since I found out. Sorry for TMI but upcoming menstrual cycle is definitely playing a part in my emotions today. I feel so resentful and hurt. I’m having difficulty not constantly thinking about it. I am so shocked. I did not see this coming and I never thought he would do this. I feel like my life is forever changed for the worse by the person I love and trusted so much. I am gutted.

Just want you to know you have been heard. Welcome to the group you never wanted to be a part of. Others will be along but I just wanted to acknowledge that you have been heard, and you matter. You will receive great support here. Right now take care of you. Get tested for STD’s. Do your best to eat healthy and get exercise. You have suffered a real trauma and will need to heal. Usual understanding is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from this trauma. But you will get through this. Many, many people here have been through similar pain due to infidelity. Always value yourself. Take no blame for your WH’s cheating. He cheated because he is broken. Checkout the Healing library and pinned posts. Lots of helpful information on this site. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am so very sorry. Please do not try to soften your heartbreak or reaction. Your life has just been blown up. This is going to be very difficult and long process. Please go to YouTube and search "Jake Porter", watch his videos. Trust me, they will help you.

Don't go to see a normal therapist. You must find a Betryal Trauma Therapist, they are really trained to help you go through the process properly.

Another thing that helped me, the book called "Betrayal Bind" by Michelle Mays. Your husband needs to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

I know what you are feeling. Many hear do. It is unexplainable unless you have gone through it. Hang in there. This trauma literally has affected your brain on a biological level It will take time to heal, but you will heal.

As far as restoration of marriage, much depends on your husband. He must truly pursue making amends. He has lots of work to do. Very important, HE CANNOT BE AVOIDANT. He needs to talk to you whenever you want, as much as you want, and he must be 100% honest.

How did you find out?

Know you are enough. You are precious. It was NOT you. He did a great evil to you.

He let you down, hurting your feelings and breaking your trust. This is not on you! Remember, you are still wonderful just as you are. He's the one who needs to prove himself and earn back your trust and love. Take care of yourself and do something that makes you happy.

He got caught. He wasn’t getting the pictures I was adding to the shared album of the kids. Asked me to help. I was holding his phone right next to him when a text message came through saying sweet dreams sleep well. Didn’t sit right with me. He said it ended in July and proved that it did.

I’m so very sorry for what you are going through, you didn’t deserve this.

Feeling alone, broken and hurt are all normal feelings after discovering you have been betrayed and I can totally relate to feelings ramping up during the run up to your menstrual cycle.

Your main priority right now is yourself, you need to take care of yourself, you mentioned your H works long hours, could he perhaps take some time off to help you with the children?.

Keep posting and take care of yourself, one foot in front of the other, as long as you are taken care of then you’re able to take care of your little ones.

Trust is the bedrock of your M. Once shattered how can you trust him again when he is working long hours and in hotel rooms? From what you describe he saw an opportunity for sex without getting caught and took it. Then he did it three more times. Totally selfish and a betrayal of his wedding vows. Watch his actions and not his words. Does he answer your questions forthrightly and without defensiveness? Is he attending IC or therapy to discover how he could be so broken as to become a cheater? Is he transparent and open with all of his devices? Have him prepare a timeline of his A and answer all of your questions. Highly recommend telling his AP’s betrayed husband. Not for revenge. He has a right to know the truth of his M. His WW may be exposing him to STDs having unprotected sex in hotels.

You will be on an emotional roller coaster feeling better than totally down. It’s normal. Keep posting. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:15 PM, Saturday, September 13th]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some that have bull's eye icons that are really good reads. I bumped them recently, so you shouldn't have to scroll far to find them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is another great resource.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs, as should he. If you have trouble sleeping or with anxiety/depression, ask your doctor for some meds.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. You have suffered trauma, and some of what you describe is due to the trauma.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

If it ended in July, why still the texts? He needs to go NC (no contact) with her immediately and tell her husband.

I am so sorry you are here. You have gotten great advice. Focus on you and your kids. Keep reading, keep posting.

I'm so sorry, RLF, words are never enough. Like another of our posters I would also question if it's really over because if he ended it in July, why IS he still getting texts from her? I hate to say this but once you find out they cheat, you also find out they lie. And they lie, and they lie. The best thing would always be for them to come out with everything especially once it's known, but they usually keep lying. So don't assume he's telling you the truth now. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think it's what you have to hear, so I'm gonna say it. Please find a divorce lawyer as soon as you can. Find a good lawyer, maybe interview a a few in the area, and pick the one you feel most comfortable with who seems to have the best record for your case. I don't say this just to make you get divorced, you don't have to, especially with small kids. I DO understand staying for the kids, as hard as I think that is. I want you to feel empowered at this point, and not just as a victim of his shitty behavior and deception. That means knowing there IS something you can do about this to protect yourself and your kids and that's knowing about divorce and being willing to do it. You DO NOT have to put up with his shit. You don't, and you need to know that and you need to know the mechanics of it and what it would mean for you, optimally. It will make you feel empowered - he needs to learn that he has to fight for you, that you are the prize, that he is at a point of losing you, NOT THE REVERSE! And he has to do whatever he can to win you back. Sit down and game plan this out - you need a lawyer, you need to figure out where you and the kids will live, what money you will have. I know it sounds overwhelming but it's better than just being a victim and having to "take it". Also, don't rush into recon. What that's saying really is that his behavior really didn't matter that much and it does. People often rush into recon because they're frightened and they want to regain normalcy, but that's not gonna happen, that's just a facade. This doesn't go away and if it does, it fades over a long period of time. You don't start trusting them again. Once you know your spouse is capable of this....they're capable of this. You're always aware of it.

So, take good care of yourself, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IT'S ALL ON HIM!!! That is the truth. I don't care what his reasons or explanations or excuses - it's on him, it was his choice, you caught him, and I bet it's not really over. Personally I would get an STI exam (yes, I know it's embarrassing, but you need to know - personally I wouldn't be having sex with him anytime soon) and tell the AP's husband - that's a good way of stopping it and he should know her shenanigans anyway.

Don't take any shit off your husband. If he genuinely seems to have stopped this at some point and seems to really work towards being resourceful and making you the Queen...maybe you can then consider recon, but I would DEFINITELY LOOK AT DIVORCE FIRST. You need some power and you need some ANGER to fuel you. People will give you as much shit as you're willing to take.

She had to contact him for work and her sending that text message was a way for her to creep in back into his life. There’s evidence of him ending it and her creeping back in. His business partner is aware and from now on they need to keep the jobs they already have contracts with her but there is no future contracts and only the business partner deals with her from now on. I know cheaters lie but there’s evidence of all this. Also I told him if he wants me to even think about reconciling I want his name off of the house and in my name only. I don’t want to have to worry about that if there is to be a next time. He called the lawyer the same day to get the ball rolling. His actions are speaking louder than his words. He’s answering every question I have - some I regret even asking.

Here’s a very serious question? When will I stop thinking about this more than I don’t? It consumes me and almost all my thoughts. Please tell me this part gets better and it won’t be all I think about.