SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How have you all handled this? It's been 15 years since Dday 1 and 4 years since Dday 2 (same A, just trickle truthed). I have not run into the AP but still have anxiety about how to handle it if and when it happens. He knows my kids (they don't know about the A), etc so I have this fear of my reaction if we're all out together. My IC says my wife and I need to have a plan and be on the same page if this were to ever happen (example: Come up with reason to leave a restaurant for example like not feeling well). However my ultimate concern is that we cross paths at a restaurant with all of my kids (all older now) and he's enough of a creep (wrote me serial killer type notes, signed anonymously with crazy claims in them...just to give you a flavor of what this headcase is like) that I could see him trying to converse with my kids just to get a rise out of me. How have you all navigated things like this without acting on the urge to turn the altercation into something physical. That's not normally in my DNA but I'm not sure I can keep myself from losing it if this were to ever happen. My head is constantly on a swivel in public which makes being out at restaurants, etc not very enjoyable. Just more crap we have to navigate and deal with. R is going well for us but this is one nagging concern I still have.

For the first 3 or 4 years post DDay, I ran into the AP at least once a week in some capacity. I always endeavored to ignore her....and except for a few confrontations, I could do that. But, it was incredibly activating. Now I'm working toward benign indifference....hoping that she'll return to being the random stranger she was before the A and her ingratiating herself to become my friend.

Having a plan worked well for me and FWH. If we were together, he would physically show affection. That helped me to ground myself. My heart might be racing, but that touch helped. We came up with that together. He would check in with me and I could decide what I wanted to do to feel safe. More often than not, I would run into her on my own. In hindsight, I do believe she was stalking me, but had no way to prove it legally. When I ran into her alone, I would phone FWH and tell him....and vice versa, immediately. When he was able, he'd meet me.

If he wrote serial killer type notes, no wonder why you're anxious.

I DID lose it a couple of times, but never around children. Figured she deserved it. I didn't/don't care. It's been so long since we've had a run in now, that I wonder if it will be quite as activating as it once was.

Ive seen the OW twice since DD, but when she was still working at H workplace and their line of job. She didnt see me. But each time I just felt so angry. A few weeks ago I was looking out for her all the time. Its really triggering, silly things like going to local shops,cafes, supermarkets thinking what if shes in here etc. Its horrible.

I've never met AP and hope I never do. I've become somewhat of a hermit as things are still very triggering (I'm coming up to 6 months post DD) I did a lot of "research" to try and keep the triggers at bay. I found out where she lives, what car she drives and where she goes out to regularly just so I can avoid places as I know it'll cause me to breakdown. However I don't know if this has made things worse as I'm now extremely triggered when I see the same colour, make and model of her car (which is a very common one!) where as before I was blissfully unaware. My advice would be that ultimately you don't know how you're going to react when you're in that situation, and how it will affect you afterwards. I still have feelings of rage thinking about everything and I'm worried I will do something to her (again like you, not in my DNA) due to everything this girl has put me through and she's got out scott free.