low tide (original poster member #86539) posted at 8:43 PM on Saturday, October 25th, 2025
My wife's continued betrayal, inconsistencies, and lies have left me feeling hopeless.
Every time I look at her, I imagine her with her lover.
She has never told the same story twice, in over 25 years since discovering her infidelity.
I love her and don't want to divorce, but the pain of living is worse than the fear of dying.
While I'm not suicidal, I do go to sleep and wish I wouldn't wake up.
Medication and therapy have not helped me cope with her ongoing, inconsistent stories and lies.
I'm sorry to complain, but I'm at a loss and spiraling deeper into depression.
Thanks for being there for me.
—Painfully alone and depressed.
Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 9:15 PM on Saturday, October 25th, 2025
I'm so sorry. Those triggers make me want to just get in the car and drive away and not look back. Hang in there. Low Tide, after 25 years....what do you need to know now to make you feel safe?
EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.
Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 9:49 PM on Saturday, October 25th, 2025
Why is divorce not an option for you?
Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022
"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:46 AM on Sunday, October 26th, 2025
Whether you D or R, acceptance is the key (IMO) to your happiness.
You accept she’d inconsistent. You accept maybe a chronic liar.
Her behavior has NOTHING to do with you BTW. She’s not lying or cheating because you are a bad guy or not worthy of the truth etc.
She’s acting this way because she has issues and refuses to address them. Thus some things will never change.
You love her. Then accept her. All of her.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:28 PM, Sunday, October 26th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:11 AM on Sunday, October 26th, 2025
I’m sorry you are still in such pain. What can YOU do to make this better? You can only control you, so focus on what is in your power.
I hope you find peace.
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:08 AM on Sunday, October 26th, 2025
So sorry you are struggling. Have you ever thought of separating just to see how you would feel not having to be exposed to her? I think for some being around the cheater even if they are remorseful and doing the work can be too much. Being around the cheater keeps the memory of the A alive at least that’s how it was for me. My xWS wasn’t remorseful but just being around him reminded me of the As and it started to drive me insane. I thought I’d never stop thinking about it. Since leaving and D I no longer think about it. It has no power over me anymore. For some it is just a dealbreaker and being around the cheater is a reminder. Maybe take a break from it all spend less time around each other and do more for yourself.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 4:15 PM on Sunday, October 26th, 2025
TFW
Whether you D or R, acceptance is the key (IMO) to your happiness.
Amen
Low Tide, when I read your posts, I think of this book excerpt…
"A dialogue:
Accept what is.
I truly cannot. I’m agitated and angry about this.
Then accept what is.
Accept that I’m agitated and angry? Accept that I cannot accept?
Yes. Bring acceptance into your nonacceptance. Bring surrender into your nonsurrender. Then see what happens."
DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
― Mary Oliver
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:55 AM on Monday, October 27th, 2025
Lowtide
I understand where you are. And why you feel the way you do.
What I have learned through this experience (as a two time affair survivor) is that my H had a need for external validation. He needed to fulfill some void in his life.
I could tell him he looks nice every day. But as a human you would take notice if someone other than your spouse says the same thing!!!
My H has traveled extensively throughout his career. I’m smart enough to recognize there were many many opportunities for him to cheat. If I asked him point blank he would probably lie and say he didn’t cheat. But I have NO PROOF he did cheat.
So I believe what I want to believe. Accept it and move on.
Because I’m living my best life and my happiness is important. And as I learned his cheating has nothing to do with me, I also realized that I can choose to focus on it and negatively impact my life OR I can choose to be happy in spite of the lying and cheating.
He has to live with himself.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:57 AM, Monday, October 27th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Asterisk ( member #86331) posted at 2:24 PM on Monday, October 27th, 2025
LowTide,
On another post of yours and in some of your comments to those who have responded, you have stated that your wife’s lying is an illness. Personally, I don’t view it the same way, but my perspective is of little importance, it is yours that matters. The fact remains you are approaching this as if she is suffering from a mental illness, which is why divorce is not an option. Your vows said, "For better or worse, through sickness and health." So, let’s work it from that framework.
Let us imagine, instead of this being about constantly lying to you about her affair, but more along the lines of, let’s say, cancer. Would you be anger at her for being ill and for the ways she might be showing the effects of that illness? I am confident you would not. I believe you would spend every dime you own and give all your energy into her healing. Right? You wouldn’t blame her for being sick. Even if she was hurtful or cruel to you it would wash of you because you would know it was the illness speaking not her. Right?
If in fact her need to lie is an illness, as you have described it, then empathy and as others have suggested, acceptance and a plan might serve you and your wife better. This does not mean that she’s right in her lying, or that it is not crazy making. I am not trying to minimize your rightful and understandable pain. I’m just trying to work within the framework you have laid before us and have asked us to view from.
It feels to me that you are caught between two different views. In one you see it as an mental illness therefor not really her fault, and the other you see her as – an unfaithful liar thus deserving of your anger and disgust. And that unresolved conflict is what I’m suggesting is what is so crazy making for you.
Your friend,
Asterisk.
Wedding:1973
WW's Affair: 1986-1988
D-Day: June 1991
Reconciliation in process for 32 years
Living in a marriage and with a wife that I am proud of: 52 years
Pogre ( member #86173) posted at 5:14 PM on Monday, October 27th, 2025
LowTide,
On another post of yours and in some of your comments to those who have responded, you have stated that your wife’s lying is an illness. Personally, I don’t view it the same way, but my perspective is of little importance, it is yours that matters. The fact remains you are approaching this as if she is suffering from a mental illness, which is why divorce is not an option. Your vows said, "For better or worse, through sickness and health." So, let’s work it from that framework.
Let us imagine, instead of this being about constantly lying to you about her affair, but more along the lines of, let’s say, cancer. Would you be anger at her for being ill and for the ways she might be showing the effects of that illness? I am confident you would not. I believe you would spend every dime you own and give all your energy into her healing. Right? You wouldn’t blame her for being sick. Even if she was hurtful or cruel to you it would wash of you because you would know it was the illness speaking not her. Right?
If in fact her need to lie is an illness, as you have described it, then empathy and as others have suggested, acceptance and a plan might serve you and your wife better. This does not mean that she’s right in her lying, or that it is not crazy making. I am not trying to minimize your rightful and understandable pain. I’m just trying to work within the framework you have laid before us and have asked us to view from.
It feels to me that you are caught between two different views. In one you see it as an mental illness therefor not really her fault, and the other you see her as – an unfaithful liar thus deserving of your anger and disgust. And that unresolved conflict is what I’m suggesting is what is so crazy making for you.
Your friend,
Asterisk.
I think Asterisk nails it. If you're going to view this as an illness, then how can you hold it against her? You either accept that she is in fact, ill, and can't help herself, or you view it as her just plain being dishonest with you. If it's the former, then you need to just accept that it is what it is and accept her in this illness, or you the latter. In which case the collective experience in this group suggests you draw a line in the sand and demand honesty or you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. As it is now, I fear you're a prisoner in a cage of your own making. You've put yourself into a no win scenario.
I say this as gently, but firmly as I know how. It's from a place of caring and wanting to get you out of this horrible position. I truly hope you find peace and acceptance no matter which way you choose, but the way it is now is not working for you at all. You have to do something different, or I fear this loop will just go on and on forever.
Where am I going... and why am I in this handbasket?
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 7:21 PM on Monday, October 27th, 2025
This does not mean that she’s right in her lying, or that it is not crazy making.
Wait - if "lying is an illness", how can you say lying is wrong? That implies her lying is completely outside of her control, as of course an illness is outside of our control.
Pogre said it correctly. If you’re going to be consistent with "lying is an illness", and you vowed to stay with her "in sickness and in health", eg no matter what, then it’s entirely on you to stop wanting honesty, as if it were up to her, akin to asking a terminal cancer patient to stop dying.
Given your boundaries, your only option is radical acceptance of your wife as-is. Perhaps look into reading books on stoicism.
