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My marriage of 30 years is in jeopardy after my wife finally admitted to a long affair that happened about ten years ago. I’m trying to work past it with her but she is very reluctant. She has given me the trickle of information which of course is probably not finished. (We’re up to her performing oral sex "4 or 5 times" on a guy that she had a two year relationship with.)
The other guy was a hockey trainer that my son was working with. She says she grew closer to him during that time. Then she started going to his house to work out at his garage every week (without my knowledge and with his wife and kids home as well). The affair started around that time. She claims it was just making out and what I mentioned above. She claims she never even met up with him anywhere but there.
This was a place that my son would also go to work out. She would bring my daughter to pick my son up and stand around chatting with this guy and my kids.
At one point, I think a few months after it getting physical, I got so suspicious that I looked at her phone records and saw the ridiculous amount of communication between her and this guy who was just supposed to be training my son.
I confronted her and she came back with the usual, just a friend, can’t a woman have a "guy friend", nothing going on. All this while I didn’t even know she was "working out" at his house. I tried to be mature about it and let it go.
Later, something made me ask her about it again and she admitted that she had been secretly going to his garage to exercise. Then when I told her I wanted to see her phone, she dumped all of her texts with him. I told her she had to end it but I want her to text him to end it and I will read them. She claims to have done this but then deleted those texts as well.
We got a new trainer for my son and she claims to have never seen him again. I used to check her phone usage and expenses and I think it stopped.
Recently (10 years later) it came up again because it had always caused friction. After arguing about it, she attempted suicide. We spent three weeks in the hospital during which I told her we could work through anything and get past it. Well she’s out of the hospital and she started trickling out information about a week ago. She’ll never bring it up but it is all I can think about. She won’t talk unless forced to and then I have to wade through the lies, convenient forgetfulness and minimization.
I’ve told her that I want to work through it but she has to participate. She’s going to therapy on her own because she obviously has additional issues so we’re delaying couples therapy for now. Still, I’m trying to wrap my head around the extent of this betrayal and with her still holding back, I can’t. She says she wants to work it out but doesn’t follow up on it.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Sorry you’re here.

Given what she’s told you, if thinking of the rest makes her suicidal, then the rest is worse. Maybe she thinks oral is not "all the way", but intercourse will be a deal killer. And maybe having to face that she went all the way is too much for her, even if it might not be for you.

Give her therapy a little time; insist that she discuss her affair with her therapist. Maybe then she’ll be able to discuss it with you.

Maybe you should talk to a therapist as well, for advice on the best way to approach this with her. You don’t want to precipitate something awful.

To have any hope of getting past this, I think she has to discuss it with you. A lot.

Best wishes.

P. S. Can a wife have a guy friend? Nope. Just, nope.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 8:01 PM, Saturday, March 14th]

Thanks for responding, I appreciate you listening. Yes to therapy for me to starting next week. I just hope she’ll go to therapy and tell the truth. Thanks!

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you've definitely come to the right place. There's a wealth of knowledge and a bunch of really bright people here who've experienced what you're experiencing now.

The only other thing I wanted to say is cheaters lie and minimize a lot. It's one of their primary tools to control the narrative and flow of information. Your wayward wife (WW) is no different.

Thanks for responding, I appreciate you listening. Yes to therapy for me to starting next week. I just hope she’ll go to therapy and tell the truth. Thanks!

Yes, VM. All these years I thought she was different and would not be able to sneak around and just outright lie. I’ve known her since she’s 18 and we’re in our 50’s. I used to think cheating was something mostly done by men. Now I know what people mean when they say women are treacherous.

Cheating is a character flaw.

Usually associated with
- Low Self- worth
- People Pleasing
- Avoidance / Emotional Compartmentalization
- Self - Sabotage

It causes Trauma and PTSD to the Betrayed (that's why you can't move past it, is impossible unless both the BS and WS go through a ton of work, it will always come back because the real root issue was never addressed).

You need to Detach, she needs to be able to put in the work to resolve the issue - which is not attempting suicide, that is another symptom of the same issue - until now she is running away from facing the mirror and rugswept something that neither she nor you can rugsweep.

For the good of both you must address it.
Love is not enough unless you face the real issues you both have. (Your Betrayal Trauma and her "Betrayal Seed")

Thanks, and I appreciate you reading my story. My wife is probably the poster-child for all of the things you mentioned above. She also has a large amount of self-pity which I think she uses to excuse herself. Believe me, we aren’t going anywhere without extensive therapy for both of us and us together. Thanks again!

There is a thread in the ‘I can relate’ forum called ‘For those who found out years later’. There might be some useful insight for you there.

Thanks, just reading some of this stories makes me feel lucky. Things could always be worse!

Hi, I'm sorry you're here. Has she improved after self-harming? Do you really want to fix this, or are you staying because of the children or out of fear that she'll hurt herself again? What books have you read?