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I came across an audio recording in his phone. When I played it, it was sex mournings of him and a girl. There are different recordings, the girls voices are different.
When i gently told him about it, he got so angry with me saying that I went through his phone.
I decided to calm down and be quiet, after few days, he came to me and said that I was the cause of why he cheated. And is promising that he will not do it again.
To me he is not remorseful, I feel trapped in everything. I want to leave but to where. I am a stay at home mom and also a student. I dont know what to do.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I want to address 2 things here: your H’s behavior and possible next steps.

I don’t know the laws in Canada but a consultation with a lawyer might provide you with some advice. If you have a baby, he will need to pay child support. And also possibly alimony. But get legal advice just to learn your rights.

Now into the next part which is how cheaters operate.

Of course he blames you. That is typically what cheaters do. You know you did not cause him to cheat. Cheating IS A CHOCE THE CHEATER MAKES. And it has nothing to do with you.

He didn’t cheat because you didn’t cook his favorite meal or show him enough attention or because you weren’t thin or athletic or whatever. He cheated because he wanted to. Period.

Please find a good support network for yourself (whether you leave him or stay together). Friends and family who can help you if you decide to leave or stay with him.

I suggest you start saving as much $ as you can. Put it in a bank account he knows nothing about. $5 here or there can add up quickly. If you decide to leave you want to have some $ to your name.

You did nothing wrong going through his phone. You deserve to know what he’s doing — especially as his cheating has the potential to physically harm you. If he transmit a disease to you, it could also harm your child.

Please get tested.

I hope this helps you.

Thank you so much. I was scared to talk to my sister about it. I think I have to sit down and explain everything to her.
I am just weka and tired.

His behavior is very typical. If he can make you feel bad about his affair that minimizes his guilt and shame and pushes you towards sweeping it under the rug and moving on because that is what is easiest for him

Two people in a committed relationship should not have secrets. They should know each other's passwords to everything and should be able to look in each other's phones at any time

This is when you need to do what is called the 180. This will help you take back your power and restore balance in the relationship because right now he controls the power. Stop trying to engage with him. Do not talk to him unless it involves the house or the baby. Beyond that if he tries to talk to you just walk away without saying a word

Until he is willing to accept 100% fault for his decision to have an affair, reconciliation just will not work and as long as he thinks he can manipulate you there is no reason for him to change.

He broke the relationship and he needs to fix it, and himself, because until he repairs himself the relationship cannot be repaired. If you sweep this under the rug it will come back one day much much worse.

I agree with the advice to consult with an attorney just so you have a better understanding of where you might be should the relationship end. When he asks you where you are going don't say a word just walk out

Welcome to the unwilling club.

At least here you will be heard, use it to let those terrible emotions out.

I came across an audio recording in his phone. When I played it, it was sex mournings of him and a girl. There are different recordings, the girls voices are different.

Kind of like my WS AP, just he cheated on her with prostitutes. Well he treated her like one so not big deal.

When i gently told him about it, he got so angry with me saying that I went through his phone.

He should wonder why he went through other girls, instead of getting angry, he should be grateful his face was not plastered over the wall.

I decided to calm down and be quiet, after few days, he came to me and said that I was the cause of why he cheated. And is promising that he will not do it again.

Bullshit #1 - You are not the cause, it was his choice. He just know he is a really shitty person, so he blames shift on you. Do not worry, is not you. Is never the BS. Is the WS deep flaws and unresolved issues.

Bullshit #2 - He cannot promise anything until he truly fix himself. Right now he is blaming you, so he is exactly in the same state of mind that allowed him to cheat. In short = He is lying to you and himself right now.

To me he is not remorseful, I feel trapped in everything. I want to leave but to where. I am a stay at home mom and also a student. I dont know what to do.

No, he is not. He is deflecting, minimizing, shifting the blame.
A Cheater will not be remorseful until he owns the betrayal, owns the decision to betray, own the pursuit, owns the act.

To get there the person really must do some work, that is quite difficult to do, because is digging into personal and deep unresolved issues.

Right now, read about the 180 in the healing library.
Do it now.
Give yourself time to collect thoughts and be here to talk and get some clarity and advice on what to do next.

So sorry this has happened. Your WH is a very typical cheater. Blameshifting and minimizing are common responses from a cheater. Understand that he will lie to protect himself. Most importantly take care of you. Always value yourself. You have suffered a real trauma. Reach out to IC to help you cope. Get tested for STDs. He is not remorseful. Implement the 180. It is intended to let you get your bearings as you go through this shocking revelation. Do see an attorney to learn your rights. Watch his actions. He need to show empathy for the pain he has caused you. Full transparency. A no contact letter to his AP. Is she married? If so, expose the A to her OBS. He deserves to know the truth of his life.

Breath. And understand you will get through this. But you will be on an emotional rollercoaster. You deserve respect and a faithful partner. Accept no less. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:28 AM, Monday, March 16th]

Thank you for your words. No remorse from him. He kept saying that I am the reason why he cheated. I dont know what to do with my 1yr old, I would have just walked away. It still feels like I am dreaming

Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused him to cheat. He cheated because he wanted to do it. Take care of your child. Reach out to family or close friends for support. Implement the 180. Detach from him. Do not argue or engage with him. Child care and finance issues only. No idle chitchat. If you feel vulnerable or in danger reach out to a woman’s shelter in your area. Do contact law enforcement if he becomes threatening. Be firm. Set your boundaries.

Every situation is different. I am so sorry you experienced this.

I have been on this forum for years now and I still am shocked at the stuff waywards will do to their loving faithful spouses.

One of many things I regret not doing is protecting myself sexually and financially from my exwh.

Even if he and I both tested negative for STIs, he had no intention of being faithful so I had no business being sexually intimate with him until he fixed whatever was wrong with him that he would risk my and DCs health and lives over his ego kibbles and and sleezy women he met on the internet’s bits.

Many of us have been where you are. I was desperate to save my Marriage so I listened to what exwh said I did wrong. Tried to change myself to better meet his "needs" instead of focusing on taking exquisite care of myself and any children.

My exwh was not a safe partner. I don’t think any active wayward partner is a safe partner and I wish I had immediately acted to protect myself first and foremost. A H’s "job" is to protect his wife and family. My exwh failed miserably at this.

Frankly this sounds abusive.
How has he been in other aspects of the relationship?
Does he drink? Come home after work? Provide? Contribute to the household? Tend to the baby?
Is he emotionally supportive? Physically attentive?

Friend – as long as he insists that YOU make him cheat there is nothing YOU can do to prevent him from cheating. Seeing as there are different voices, then this isn’t a one-off or infatuation with one woman. Chances are that if there is no further action, then all that will happen is he becomes more protective of his phone.

Keep in mind that nothing will change unless YOU make it change.
If you were my sister or daughter I would be suggesting you really evaluate how he is as a partner. How attentive, caring, sharing… and if he is in ANY WAY showing abusive behavior I would be suggesting you get out.

He pays the rent. I pay for groceries ( both fir baby and home).
Honestly I am stupidly confused on how i am the cause.
Even when I try to speak to him, he said he has never been happy since we got married.
Its sad. I just hope I get a job and leave the house ( according to him, he is not going to leave).
But in all i trust God

You are not the cause of his cheating. He is!!!!

You see, he wants to blame you because it is easier than accepting responsibility for his poor choices.

Stop trying to talk to him. It’s getting you nowhere. It’s depressing. It’s causing you to doubt yourself. Just know EVERYONE here at SI supports you (and many of us betrayed spouses were told the cheating was because of us).

He’s been unhappily married? Since when - when he met the other woman (OW) most likely. I believe many spouses really are happy UNTIL the OW/OM comes along. And then the cheater becomes unhappy because their spouse is standing in the way of their relationship with the affair partner (AP).

If I were you I would make plans to get your life together and get out of infidelity. I’m not saying D him but he does sound abusive. Get your $ together, get a plan , get some counseling and see a good lawyer.

Unfortunately you will have to co-parent with him for the next 20 years. Do your best to keep things civil whether you D or separate or live in limbo and he continued to cheat.

Thank you so much. Its really hurting. I have to sit up and do things for myself.

We all know the pain and devastation of the days and weeks and months after finding out your spouse or partner is or had cheated.

Most important is to be present for your child as best you can.

In some ways him paying the rent is a blessing.
What we are probably mainly going to be telling you is that the impetus for change needs to come from YOU.
What that means is that YOU have to let him know infidelity isn’t acceptable. That it’s something he needs to stop – and convince you it’s over. Something he has to acknowledge is NOT caused by you. Plus he needs to clarify if he really wants to be married to you or not.

If he insists it’s you and he’s miserable and doesn’t want to be married… Well… take him at face-value. It means that no matter what you wish, a marriage is not realistic.
I bet he’s expecting you to fold. That’s why he refuses to leave. He thinks he has control. Just like he’s controlling the situation by blaming you.

Canada has (to my understanding) quite clear child-support regulations. Seeing as how you rent, and chances the lease being in his name, you can walk out with your child, file for divorce and have this all over with relatively quickly. Chances are you can file for child-support right away, and a temporary payment schedule put in place while the divorce is worked out. Seeing as you rent, 5-year marriage… this won’t be complex.

I encourage you to look for a domestic-abuse or family-help call-line or center. These places are NOT only intended for battered wives with bruises and broken bones. They also offer guidance for those stuck in abusive relationships. They can confirm what I say, or offer guidance on how to best get progress in your situation.

There are lawyers out there who will offer free first consultations. I suggest you find one or 3 of them so you can at least get an idea of what divorce might look like.

Look, this is not your fault. Not at all. It doesn't matter what's going on in your marriage, there isn't a single circumstance where infidelity could help or fix anything. There can only be reasons to open up and talk or work through issues. I'm not saying you're responsible for any issues to begin with, just pointing out that there is never, ever an excuse or justification for infidelity. This is 100% on him. Do NOT let him gaslight you into thinking this is somehow your fault.

I agree with those who are suggesting the 180. You can read about it in the healing library. Click the drop down and look for it there. It's a method where you start focusing on you and begin operating from a proactive place of strength and agency instead of just reacting and feeling lost. If he reacts to it, pulls his head out of his ass and becomes someone worthy of reconciliation that's just a side effect. The main purpose is to give you your agency back. I strongly suggest you look into that and implement it. DO NOT do the pick me dance. You can't "nice" a cheater back or convince them to stay. If he wants to cheat he's going to cheat. No amount of trying to be nice or win him back will work, and you'll only humiliate yourself. Besides that, he doesn't deserve it.

We've seen some pretty rough stories here and have seen the spectrum of wayward spouses. Your husband isn't the worst of the worst, but his reaction to this is pretty bad, and I think goes right up to the line of abuse. Don't tolerate that, and don't accept any blame for his actions. You did not "make" him cheat on you. That's just a load of crap.

Stick around and keep posting here. There's a good group of folks here who understand what you're going through, and you're being heard. Ask any questions or just use us to vent to if you need it. Typing things out helped me a lot, and the more seasoned posters here offered me some great guidance.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will get better. It's just going to take time. Right now it's fresh and your head's spinning. You'll be on the emotional roller coaster for a while. Just know that's normal. We all went through, or are going through it with you.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:37 PM, Monday, March 16th]