SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my wife of 27 years having an affair 3 months ago...its just ruined me mentally....

Very sorry you find yourself here! You will receive good support. Please read in the healing library and take care of you. You have suffered a real trauma. Do not underestimate the severity. Many suffer PTSD related to the trauma of infidelity. You will get through this. See an IC to help you cope.

Is the A still going on? The more specifics you can share will be helpful in guiding the responses. Continue to post. We all have been through the pain of discovery

She says its over, but obviously i have no real way of knowing if thats true, after i caught her she continued lying to me and i caught her still talking to him, so my paranoia is in overdrive

I’m so sorry about that Kris78, I’m so sorry you find yourself here.

You are in the right place though, you will receive lots of amazing advice here and although it takes some time you will slowly start to feel mental strength again.

You may want to seek therapy, talking therapy is free on the NHS and is done by self referral in the UK, just contact your GP for the number or private treatment is available much faster, just a quick google will bring up local therapist’s.

Take good care of yourself.

I wish I had come here in the immediate aftermath of my W's disclosures. Please listen to the detailed responses I'm sure you'll receive from some of the regular posters.

I don't know your situation at all, or the state of your marriage. I will say this: even if you both love each other and want reconciliation, DO NOT believe her right now. DO NOT waver on any demands for full transparency or no contact.

Individual counseling (not marital counseling) for both of you is non-negotiable. Be careful with who you choose. None that excuse the affair or victim blame.

Hang in there, brother. Read all the posts in here about the 180. I wish I had.

So sorry this has happened to you Kris!

Look, trust your gut, and evaluate her actions only. She’s proved herself to be a liar.

If you give a few more details, you can get more tailored advice. But in the meantime there’s a thread on JFO by a poster called "yellowdoxie" who got a lot of excellent advice for someone who’s just found out (unfortunately at the present moment he’s elected not to follow that advice and instead live in limbo doing the pick me dance. Hopefully he’ll change his mind).

I just want to tell you that it will get better, and the fastest way to it getting better is by recognizing your self worth. The people that survive infidelity the best seem to be the ones who understand quickly "I don’t deserve this" and act to get themselves out of infidelity. Doing so doesn’t preclude R by the way, and perhaps counterintuitively it seems to be one of the only effective ways to motivate waywards to move heaven and earth to salvage the relationship.

I hope I’m off base, but something about your posts is worrisome. Please contact the services Bruce123 mentioned if you’re even considering self-harm. There are so many people here who can testify that you will survive this!!

Kris

Keep in mind that this is a marathon, but you will prevail.
We here on this site may offer varying advice, but one thing we are pretty consistent with is the statement that they do NOT cheat because of anything we did – or did not do. They cheat because of faults within themselves.
Knowing this might not mitigate the pain, but it helps to know that this is not in any way your fault.

I will leave you with these suggestions:
Talk to someone in person. Having a confidant will help. Can be a friend, a brother, a relative… even a priest or mental-health professional. There is no shame in this because although this is definitely affecting you it’s not because of you.

Focus on what YOU can control.
This might sound rough, but you should possibly tell her that all YOU can do is recover from the pain because you know that six months from now, a year from now, five years from now… YOU will still be dealing with yourself. What remains to be seen is what her role in your life will be at that time. You aren’t clear on the future of the marriage, but your decision will be based heavily on her actions. She’s free to be with OM, contact OM, date OM… but she needs to be clear that ANY such action simply confirms what you might fear the most – that YOU won’t want this marriage.
After all – the only thing you can control is YOU.

Is the OM married and are there others that knew of the affair and or facilitated it?

Both of my daughters knew...and didnt tell me...all the women i love the most betrayed me all at once...im so sad, just a botomless dark sadness i cant escape from..and right now i dont want to escape, all the thoughts racing through my head all day everyday...i cant face it, ive already tried S twice and twice i failed....i love her so much..i cant face being without her...but i cant live with her lies either

RIGH NOW: Go google "MIND mental health helpline"
It’s in your part of the world.
As does Samaritans at 116 123
National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 0800 587 0800

Friend – Read my profile. I WALKED IN on them having sex. That was decades ago and I survived. You can too – but only if you are willing to get the help you need.

Please follow Bigger’s advice NOW, and get the help you need! Good luck!

This sucks, but you CAN get through it. You may need help - I did.

Please find a trauma informed therapist and get the soonest appointment. And call the suicide prevention hotline ANY TIME you feel like you can’t go on. Post the phone number nearby so you have it handy.

Yes, you were betrayed. And it hurts like nothing else. But you can get through this. You can get to the other side and THRIVE.
It will take some time and I wish we could take away the pain. We cannot do that. But we can support you as you navigate this roller coaster.

Who can you tell IRL? Best friend? Sibling? Pastor? Please find someone IRL to talk to. And keep posting.

Im not religious so no pastor...cant really talk to anyone ..i would just break down

Kris, it’s ok to breakdown, Man. You’re in pain to the edge of your limits. Ugly crying is par for the course in these situations, there’s no shame in it. The people who care about you won’t think any less of you. Would you if the situation were reversed?