SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

So I told my wife almost a year ago that I kept in contact with my ex girlfriend off and on via text messages. I told her what I truly thought it was. I said that we talked about friends, family, music, politics, more or less just random life updates every now and again. There was about a 2 month or so period where the messages were weekly or maybe a couple times a month. Those conversations lead to one night where she asked me if I was happy. I said something like "yes" or "we cant talk about that stuff" and I didn't shut that conversation down completely. That conversation was somewhat flirtatious but I remember trying to change the subject to like "lets talk about who you are dating or who are you looking to date." We also talked about our past a little bit and how I told her that she missed out on me. Anyways, the conversation ended with her talking about her dad, who I was once close with and she was upset because he was dying of cancer and she was not going to be able to have him meet her children if and when she had them. I ended the conversation with saying that I really wish I could be there for you.

after that conversation, the guilt set in. I remember telling myself that I had crossed the line. I stopped contacting her. I wanted to make sure she didnt think it was anything more than what it was. I reached out once more just to make sure of that. it was just a brief conversation and ended quickly. After that, I stopped all contact. I deleted all my social media and thought I could just let it go.

So about a year or two later, I ended up confessing to my wife. I told her the timeline and about that emotional conversation. I attempted to get the messages back and even asked my wife if she wanted me to reach out to get them. She said no and after about 9 months of conversations she is at the point where she wants me to forgive myself because she has forgiven me.

I am however stuck with letting this go. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to bed I just find myself ruminating about that conversation and how I let it get to that point. My mind is just looping over and over again and my wife doesnt want me to talk about it anymore. My therapist says this is OCD. I find myself wanting to reach out to my ex to get the conversations so I can find out EXCACTLY what I said and how I said it. Has anyone else been in this situation? Im not sure if this amount of guilt and shame should still be here almost a year later. I keep telling myself I did the right thing but I still know I put myself in the wrong position. Like, how much more accountable can I be? Any guidance is helpful here.

I have had issues with this. I was treated for OCD but it didn’t really fix all of it.

For me, I boiled it down to toxic shame. Shame is not an emotion it’s an underlying belief that I am bad. For me this compounded over my childhood. I was sexually and emotionally abused and didn’t fit in well at school.

As a result I became very self conscious and a perfectionist. I often worried I had hurt someone’s feelings or made them mad and I over explained myself and fretted about it anxiously.

And if someone was upset with me I took their feelings and made them my conviction.

It took a long time for me to accept I am a good person, loving and well intentioned. And it took even longer to learn to self sooth and be able to achieve shorter rumination. I have to still remind myself that it’s more important for me to perceive myself than to do it through a distorted lens of trying to see myself through other people.

On the surface it seems your problem is superficial. You may have had some boundaries that could have been better but you don’t seem to have damaged your wife’s perception of you. I think a lot of people could just turn the page. I think for you this is proof you are bad and it’s feeding that underlying shame.

I would think about therapy in order to understand the origins of this and to help you build new coping mechanisms that will help you learn to let things go easier. It’s worthwhile work because when it’s not this it will be something else and I spent too many years in self torture.

Some books that helped me with this was "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle. His teachings are helpful for those of us who lean into making ourselves needlessly suffer. Rising Strong by Brene Brown gave me some ideas of how shame was appearing in my life and robbing me of the deeper connection I wanted to experience.

First off, I am so sorry to hear about your childhood. I can already tell by your post that you have put in so much work to really reflect all the way back and that is really great. I definitely have had some deep insecurities that have stemmed from childhood as well. My parents had a tough divorce but in the end I know it has made me who I am today.

As a result of that, I also have had to deal with perfectionism. By seeing my mother drink and abuse drugs, and my other siblings drinking heavily, I told myself I could never drink or do drugs and had to be the exact opposite of it all. Very black and white thinking. Definitely some shame about not being good enough or being behind in life as I didn't have the opportunities to go to college right away because I was paying for myself to live at that point.

Ive went through a big health anxiety issue about 7 years ago which eventually turned into OCD about my physical body. I conquered that and now all of a sudden it came rushing back after a recent panic attack as mental obsessions, compulsions, etc.

A huge part of me is I always feel a great sense of purpose when I help other people. The feeling of "being a good person" has something Ive always felt to the core. Like I was put on this earth to help people.This however is what has gotten me in trouble. Talking to my ex put me in the situation of feeling that I needed to check in with her about her father and how he was doing, etc. I even told her Id go see him and bring him a coffee one time. I thought about telling my wife and asking but obviously I didn't go and didn't tell me wife. I think with this mindset, I was telling myself it was OK because I wasn't crossing a line by not going to see him, but I was by not telling my wife.

When you say "a lot of people could have just turned the page", that is what a lot of people have said as well. People told me that I should have never even told her because I stopped myself before it went too far, but I just had to get it out. I just have ruminating thoughts like "What if people knew what I did in my marriage" or "What if my kids found out I did this to my wife". I walk around in what feels like toxic shame but deep down I know I did the right thing and I'm hoping that by confessing and just being true and changing my behaviors going forward is what will make us stronger.

I am going to switch to another therapist soon as I'm not sure if OCD and exposure and response prevention is really the avenue I should be taking. I will take your advice on those books too. Thank you for your response.

You are welcome. And I hope the statement about a lot of people could just turn the page wasn’t taken as a judgment. I understand because I have previously been in my life someone who couldn’t turn the page. I also think you should have told your wife, I am just thinking that she seems to understand and feels your character is strong.

My intention for saying a lot of people can’t turn the page is to acknowledge our brains work differently. I suspect I have ADHD as well. You and I have to battle our brain to do things other people don’t stumble over. But there are a lot of people like us too.

My perfectionism also creates people pleasing issues which was difficult to manage boundaries. I see that in you too. One thing that I had to learn was to not self abandon for other people and one way I deal with that is to remember people pleasing is the pursuit of being perceived as "good" to mask that we are "bad". By being mentally cognizant of this instead of just relying on my natural operating system has helped me strengthen my boundaries.

I just want you to know that emotional torture can be treated and it may take various methods to do that. But peace is something you can achieve.

Your brain is looking for a relief valve for your anxiety. It thinks, 'If I just have absolute certainty about what I said, the loop will stop.' Replaying the conversation a thousand times or hunting down messages won’t make you safer.​ Its a trap. This is part of the discomfort we have to get comfortable with.

Your guilt did its job. It woke you up, made you stop the behavior, and drove you to be honest. It was the alarm system but now that you’ve stepped back, you don't need to keep standing under the siren.

Turning that healthy guilt into a permanent shame loop doesn’t make you more accountable, it just keeps you paralyzed. The goal isn't to keep punishing the person you were, but to put all your energy into the safe, honest person you are choosing to be today.

You can be infinitely accountable in how you live going forward. Accountability isn’t about proving every past word, it’s about consistent, transparent actions that make your partner feel safe and that change becomes visible. What that looks like is steady, humble work like therapy, clear boundaries, and daily behaviors that match your words.

Being more accountable now means shifting the energy from "prove what happened" to "prove who I am becoming." You don’t have to have it all figured out to be accountable. You just have to keep choosing the hard, visible things that prove you mean it.

Thank you both for responding. I think I'm just struggling with being in the gray area of it all. Sometimes I will ruminate back and tell myself that I really only talked to her like 10 or so times and that I wasn't being emotional or sexual or anything, but then other times I will think back and try to remember that conversation and why it even got to that point. I'm upset at myself but proud of myself at the same time if that makes sense.

I wish I just had felt the guilt before but looking back now, my ex is someone I haven't even seen for over 12 or so years. She was just the girl that saw my mother go through her stuff back in the day and among other things. So we would just catch up on life every once in a while. So I can see now why I let it get to that point. I've never even made a pass at a woman or anything like that since I've been with my wife, so yes I'm struggling with the imperfection of it all. I think in the back of my head I'm comparing myself to my father and mother who actually did probably split because of other people in their lives.

My wife has seen such a drastic change in me and it's brought us closer because we've been lacking communication from the beginning. She's even brought up some things we've had to address. I think I'm just having a hard time with the mental anguish of it. The constant rumination from when I wake up to when I go to bed. The guilt whenever I look at my kids and things like that.

It's a lot of what if questions that I obsess about. Like my mind is bullying me. That's where I think the ocd is coming in to play again. I'm just praying that It will pass and that I can continue to be the father and husband I always want to be.

From one self bully to another, and a recovering perfectionist to a perfectionist, I get it completely.

One thing that sometimes helps me frame things that I failed to mention earlier:

- create a hypothetical if your best friend was telling you they did this and what they did about it. What would you tell them? Write them a letter or something to reinforce what you would tell them and pull it out when you need to.

-the other thing that helps me is I think a lot of my trauma from childhood has formed this inclination towards ruminating, bullying. In many ways I think it’s the voice of my mother who was so critical. So I use the repqrenting technique, which is basically realize that inner child is still inside you, and they are calling the shots in how you are reacting to this. The reason is they are afraid, ashamed, or programmed in some way to do this. I try and cognizant soothe that child in telling them they are safe, I will protect them, they have done nothing wrong. (Or sometimes I will say "you made a bad decision and learned from it so you will do better next time).

You seem to have a lot of great qualifies and intentions. And I will bet you would never want to make someone else feel the way you make yourself feel. Learning that you are worthy of the love and treatment you give others may help you change the channel.

When I get in a rumination loop, I will start to dissect it either from the reparenting or the best friend point of view. And I will then try and spend a few minutes reflecting on the things I have done right or perform a gratitude practice.

It also helps to make yourself get in your body. Try and focus for a few moments in feeling your heart. Or do exercises where you go from releasing tension in your feet, lower legs, and go slowly up your body. The more you can be in your body the less you will be in your brain. I do guided meditation exercises from YouTube or other similar venues. It does help to practice something like that daily to help you learn to regulate your over taxed nervous system

I have OCD issues too so I don’t doubt that is part of your issue. No one is perfect, we are all unique individuals with strengths and weaknesses. The only thing I think you are guilty of in the scenario you are currently stuck on is people pleasing. And knowing your should be open with your wife about your days. These are fixable common things that can lead to cheating and maybe you sense that and that’s where the panic comes from, but it doesn’t really sound like that’s what was happening.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:49 PM, Wednesday, June 17th]