SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, this is my first post on SI but I’ve been following this forum for over two years.
I’m amazed at the wisdom folks have here and I’ve found peace reading about others who’ve gone through the same pain-filled journey! I wish I never needed to find this place but I’m also glad I did.

I believe we all have something to share, mine is probably what "not" to do when your WW commits adultery! Again, i’m truly thankful for the kindred spirits here who have travelled the same rough road and are willing to help navigate others down that painful path!

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?

Henry David Thoreau

31RS,

Two years of lurking. Patient or cautious, or…?

I am glad you have decided to reach out and your story, when you choose to share it, will no doubt resonate with others. I hope that I may add to your healing process.

Asterisk

Thanks Asterisk! Cautious about telling my story although it’s not much different from some others on here.
Like you I’m one of the older folks here and as per my sig mine happened in 1993 before so many resources were available to guide and assist with the fallout.

Don’t know if it’s better or worse but my wife didn’t have an affair because she fell for someone else, her reason for cheating was to punish me for not paying enough attention to her. She said if I didn’t want her she’d find someone that did which was a coworker.

I was in a tough military training course that lasted 14 months and she did this at 11 months.
I did not give her enough attention true but I told her before I started the course that it would take up a lot of my time and I needed her to be strong for this period because this would in the end give us a better life. I’ve been reading here long enough to know what she did was 100% on her, she had other options. She could’ve sat me down and warned me about how she felt or if she was that unhappy she could’ve divorced me!

My son was 10 at the time so I stayed for him, I was going to leave her when he was 18 but he started at a large university and I wanted to support him along with my wife since he commuted from home.
When he was a junior my wife was diagnosed with a very dibilating disease so I’ve stayed with her to take care of her.

We’re best friends but I am unable to be a husband to her, I’ve tried and tried but it’s not possible, I’ve told her that and she understands to a certain extent. We get along well and enjoy each others company and live near our grandkids so life is pretty good.

When she told me what she did I was in shock, never thought she’d hurt me so bad to punish me, to my dying day I will never understand!
I couldn’t tell my chain of command because I would’ve been pulled from the training and possibly never get back into it. For every person that got in there were over 20 waiting to get in so you had to stay on top of your game or be replaced!

I didn’t tell anyone and to this day my wife and I are the only ones to know about her infidelity. I did a good job of burying the pain deep down inside and hoping it would stay there forever but I was wrong. Years later it’s come back to haunt me!

We never talked about it, my wife acted like it never happened. I kept waiting for her to sit me down and tell me why she did this to me but she never did. I realize now the many mistakes I made getting through this.

I had a big trigger several years ago, we were traveling near where this happened and man it was like it just happened. I think that must be what a panic attack is like! I told my wife we have to talk about this now, I can’t take this not knowing anymore. My mind games were terrible, what did she do with him? What was he like? Better looking, smarter, did they laugh about me? Did she tell him about our problems?

I had to threaten to tell our son about her infidelity to get her to talk! And realize this was 31 years after it happened and it hurt like it had just happened!

She slept with him twice. She did this while I was doing night training and our son spent the night with our friends kids. She said drugs and alcohol were involved. She said she regrets it and she sorry she hurt me but there were no tears of remorse, in fact there were no tears at all! She said she was a different person back then, I told her I was too but the person was back then never would’ve done this to her!

I actually got her to read the book "How to help your spouse hear from your affair". I was shocked that she agreed to read it! After reading it she told me she would listen if I ever wanted to talk about what happened but she thought I was over the past. She doesn’t like to talk about what happened and I understand her reluctance but she’ll never understand that I need her to talk to help me heal!

Anyway, enough for now, thanks again Asterisk!

Hey friend,

my wife didn’t have an affair because she fell for someone else, her reason for cheating was to punish me for not paying enough attention to her.

There's an element of this to my wife's affair 16 months ago was well, tho she didn't go looking for one. He pursued her, but she did end up catching feelings for the guy. She slept with him 3 times. They did exchange "I love you's" and she gushed about him to a couple of friends. It didn't take much (just the threat of divorce) to snap her out of it, tho. She hates him now.

She has since admitted that part of her wanted to get caught. It was sort of a sick test to see if I'd fight for her or just give her up. "Well, this will show me if he really loves me or not."

Yeah, it's some pretty twisted wayward logic. I'm not entirely convinced if that was her real reason or not. It was mostly validation and attention, but she says there was an element of that to it. I can't deny that she was neglected, but like you astutely pointed out, there is no justification for cheating. Never, and she had a number of other options she could have chosen.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. Tho I guess you're not really "new" since you've been lurking for longer than I've been posting. I'm glad that we've been able to help you with your journey. I appreciate you sharing your story. It's never easy to do.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:43 PM, Sunday, August 2nd]

Thanks Pogre!

Sharing my story is difficult but I know here I’m among friends. Feels like I’m on the Island of misfit toys from Rudolph the red nosed reindeer!
Hopefully no one takes offense at that, it’s truly meant in a kind way!

My wife’s AP was single, he’s married now since this was so long ago. He lives in another state and my wife claims she had no feelings for him but who knows. She said the drugs and alcohol made it easier to cheat! You read what it took for me to get her to tell me anything about what happened! I asked her why she slept with him twice if she was just punishing me once would’ve done the trick. She had no answer.
Can you imaging the mind movies I created over 31 years?

By rugsweeping this immediately I set myself up for pain and misery for years to come. I thought it was dead and gone till my massive trigger a couple years ago and all of a sudden the AP is on my mind again.

After the shock wore off from my wife’s confession anger and rage set in but I was deployed to Korea 3 months after she told me so we had separation but it wasn’t by choice. It was a one year tour and I came home for 2 weeks in the middle of it. When I came home I told her I’d stay only because of my son. Our next talk about it was 31 years later!

Sometimes when I look at her I wonder who she truly is inside, she’s kind to me now and I guess that’s enough. As I posted earlier I don’t bring up her infidelity but she would "grudgingly" talk to me if I told her I really needed it.

My wife won’t go to therapy, she thinks it solves nothing bringing up the past but just creates more pain. She also said she will just get blamed the whole time for cheating on me.

My therapy is reading this forum and writing poetry. I’ve poured my heart out writing some
painful poems but the reason I chose poetry over journaling is that poetry gives me a beginning and an end to what I write. This might sound strange but I can wrap the painful thoughts beginning to end in a poem. Doesn’t fix anything but it sorta puts the pain inside a box so to speak!