SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm going through PURE HELL right now, after discovering a month ago,that my husband has cheated on me again in 2024 for a year.
There was a 7 years gap between the first (emotional A) to the second (phisical A). different woman.

It took me about 4 years to heal from the first A.
I did the work, but H didn't, cause we didn't know there will be another one. We were sure he learned the lesson.
HUGE MISTAKE!

Now H is going to IC, knowing there's a problem with him. He's determined to work on himself, but I'm spiraling like a crazy person on the first affair "discovering new details" (or maybe realizing new things), and I feel feral!
I'm raging like crazy, I HATE my H so much, I can explode.
I feel miserable. I feel like each day is worse than the other, cause we talk about everything, but he is completely unable to give me clear answers. I know he doesn't have all the answers yet, but it's like he is completely unaware of his emotions or way of thinking. It drives me insane.

I don't want to lose this marriage, cause we are so very good together. And we have 2 little kids, and a 17 years of history together.

I need hope, and advise. I need your help, please!!!

Your anger and rage are understandable AND part of the healing process.

However you are looking for "answers" as to WHY.

What kind of answers are you expecting?

He can justify the affairs all he wants - but the truth is he chose to cheat. There are so many people here at SI who were in good marriages with everything seemingly good — yet their spouse or partner cheated.

Are you expecting some light bulb moment from the cheater? It may happen and it could take years. Do you expect he will come to you and freely and openly talk about his feelings and actions and explain why he cheated?

That may never happen too.

I doubt many cheaters initiate any discussion about their affairs. Or admit to it being a choice w/out trying to justify their reasons or decision to cheat.

For you, the rage is understandable but you certainly don’t want to live like that for too long. It is damaging to you, to the marriage AND puts you in a cycle of shame and guilt.

Perhaps some individual counseling (iC) would help.

Also I think it would help you to read up on the acceptance process of this journey. Are you upset with yourself because he had 2 affairs?

My H mirrors yours - first an EA and then a midlife crisis affair that was physical. So I’ve been down the road you are on. I completely understand your WHY.

But if you want to reconcile and get to a better place, you need to start to let go of the anger.

Are you mad at yourself b/c he cheated twice? Do you feel as though it’s your fault or you were duped? While that isn’t the case — I understand why you feel that way.

I hope this helps you start to understand this is a process. And it’s a long road ahead— as I’m sure you know. Keep posting here — you will get great advice.

My journey wasn't exactly like yours - I caught WS in false R about 2.5 months after dday - but I remember that second dday being so much more engraging than the first. I think it was the disrespect of doing it after being given a second chance, which is already a huge emotional sacrifice.

You're probably feeling a lot of resentment, which is understandable, along with the pain, hence the anger. You say "we are so very good together", but are you really if he had another long term round of cheating? I understand that the first instinct is to douse the pain and heal the marriage, but I urge you to sit with your anger and hear what it's really telling you. Forget the marriage for a while - it's burnt toast. You don't want it. If you're going to reconcile with this man, you'll need an immense amount of strength. At the very least you need to file for divorce so that he knows you're able to walk away. Without that pressure and consequence, he has no incentive to change, no matter what he says. He might believe to his core that he can change while you're kind and forgiving, but he's already proven that he can't do that.

I don't think there's much point in you asking him questions. He needs to commit to IC. You need to consult a lawyer and show him that he's about to hit rock bottom unless he figures himself out.

Remember that there are people who get far along in divorce or even past it before they reconcile. If he's truly committed to his family, and if you are too, this is possible.

Your husband looks like a broken person. I would not be surprised at all were there a cheating history in his family of origin.

That said, a person may always change ways. In your current situation, I would explore a separation with the chance of reconciliation later on. He must not date and must work on himself during the separation.

First of all, he must recognize that he is, at least, an egocentric without proper regard for those around him. It may sound soft, yet this message is terrible and hard to accept for people with a fragile ego in need of external validation.

[This message edited by ilex at 3:37 PM, Tuesday, September 15th]

Multiple betrayals only mean that the cheater is confident that you will be their fallback validation source no matter how much they subject you to the sexual and emotional abuse that is betrayal.

And your reaction that you don’t want to lose him proves him right.

Sister you don’t have him because you don’t have his respect, and he doesn’t even respect himself.

He doesn’t want to change because he knows he doesn’t need to change, there won’t be consequences for his betrayal, besides you paying the price of the abuse, and he having to manage you for a bit, before repeating the same abuse.

You want a marriage? You need to have yourself first. Retake your center, find your peace.

When you will be ready to lose this marriage, maybe just maybe, there could be a chance for change.
Or you will be strong enough to find another one, with a safe partner deserving you.

You are in control if you reach acceptance. The. Peace will follow.