SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure where to post this. I’m still in the same position as I’ve been for a year now. It’s coming up to a year since he walked out to be with the AP. Came back in the October. But contact that I’m aware of didn’t end till June 2026, only texts calls etc no physical contact. But who knows. I don’t believe anything that he says at all. We have good and bad days more bad than good.

We had a conversation this morning that I want to share for your opinions. I feel what was said he was trying to justify and blame shift. But I need an outsider to give me their thoughts please.

I asked partner why he had an affair and told partner this morning I don’t think I can countiue the relationship anymore.

He responded with he wasn’t happy with the relationship I didn’t appreciate him, and different things. And instead of dealing with them he has rug swept the issues. Because I would have just asked him to leave. I asked him to identify the issues I had him before his affair and he was able to acknowledge them but didn’t change.

He said if we hadn’t of had so many children and I would have gone out to work he doesn’t think we would have lasted 20 years.

He also said if he would have ended our relationship instead of having an affair I wouldn’t have fought as hard as I did for him during his affair.

I don’t really know what to make of it. I’m not sure if I’m triggered and spiralling because of the dates now. But also feel every given moment he has lied and now unable to believe anything he says. I’m pretty certain the relationship is just destined to fail

Forgot to add he said we need a conversation about issues pre affair and not to make a decision on him having affair as the reason for the end of the relationship.

RUN!!!

This guy refuses to take any responsibility for cheating.

Everything is your fault.

You don’t fight hard enough for him (he had the audacity to say that!? ).

Too many red flags here but I think the last conversation tells you everything you need to know about your guy.

He’s emotionally immature and will continue to blame YOU FOR HIS DECISION TO CHEAT.

Please stop expecting anything more from him. IMO the last conversation tells you everything you need to know.

And to me, he’s not worth reconciling with as he believes he "is not to blame for his affair" — you are!

All I can do is repeat the advice I have been giving you more-or-less from the beginning:
Be VERY CLEAR on your legal standing.

Gently… you have made claims about having legal advice on being able to kick him out, that the house is yours and so on… only to contradict that in other posts…
I – as well as others – have suggested free places to get the advice you need – advice on your standing when and if this relationship ends.

What makes me question what you know? Well… your comment in another thread about financial impossibility of him leaving… When the UK has quite a straight-forward process for child support, as well as relatively good social/communal support. I venture your future without him isn’t as bleak as you think it might be, and might be based on some trepidation to end this relationship.

You asked for opinions, so here's mine.

I don't think your husband loves you. It's debatable whether he even likes you.

He said if we hadn’t of had so many children and I would have gone out to work he doesn’t think we would have lasted 20 years.

This little nugget of truth in the sea of bullshit is why he came home. He probably saw a lawyer or did the math on his own and determined that it was cheaper to keep you then to get a divorce and pay child support + alimony. He also didn't want to be the guy who abandoned his kids for his mistress.

If he could divorce you with his reputation intact and not lose a cent of his money, he would still be with his mistress right now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:47 PM, Friday, September 11th]

He thinks he’s something special, he’s not.

He’s extremely disrespectful, I can’t count how many times he has got you in the ribs in this conversation alone.

IMO he thinks you and your children are preventing him from living his best life, he doesn’t deserve you or your children.

My advice…..I would not want my children to grow up feeling like a burden to their father, nor would I want to waste my time on someone who is completely incapable of looking at himself, I’d get myself some excellent legal advice (first hour completely free in England) and I’d financially light his arse up like a Christmas tree. Then I’d live MY best life.

Hello-

It’s hard to understand the was a ws will brainwash themselves with justifications, villainizing their spouse, rewriting marital history, etc until they believe it. It’s fundamental that we tend to take the unhappiness of our lives and instead of taking accountability those feelings and trying to rearrange things to where they are more manageable we transcend into the escapism of the affair rather than dealing with reality.

It’s also hard to understand the destruction limerance creates in both the ws and in their external lives. Limerance is an addiction to the happy chemicals your body releases in great quality -endorphins, adrenaline, etc created by the instability and secrecy of the affair.

And though there may not have been a physical affair being conducted, any contact with that AP continues the ability to escape. So in my mind he has only continued to conduct the affair since he has been home.

Basically, my opinion is he has stayed in the escapism and when he pokes his head up and doesn’t like what he sees, he is resistant to work within the confines of reality.

Because there has been no introspection or taking accountability of where he is at he continues to blame you. That resentment creates this false narrative that it’s you that needs to win him back and make it possible to fall in love with again.

This paradigm of course doesn’t work for someone who has been betrayed. It’s almost like him saying "I know I shot you and you are bleeding out in this table, but do you remember all the ways you used to scratch me?

I am unclear of why he came back—but I am guessing it was either she gave him the boot or there are financial/logistical reasons?

He wants you to evaluate the pre-a marriage as a way of saying "see no wonder it got so bad I cheated, can you show me you will do better?"

What are your viable options? What do you want?

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:21 PM, Friday, September 11th]

Mismee, are you still with him? You've made many posts and received a lot of feedback. Including from me. My opinion on your situation has not changed a bit. In fact, in light of this new post, my opinion is even stronger now.

He is not safe.

You need to focus on yourself and get out of this situation.

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. I do not see things changing with him at all.

I am not saying this to be hurtful---

It is you who is keeping yourself in this relationship....not him.

I venture your future without him isn’t as bleak as you think it might be, and might be based on some trepidation to end this relationship.

If I would guess, I would say that it is more about fear of the unknown than any other reason. And it's okay to be scared; the way to address this is to slowly remove these fears.....because there is no magic pill that is going to rid them for you quickly and cleanly. So start tackling ONE issue at a time. If it takes some time, then so be it. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes.

You don't value yourself enough. You are worth far more than you think. You just have to start believing it.

Missmee

He said that if I end the relationship I should not make it about the affair because we had problems before

This is the part that stands out because marriage problems and cheating are not the same thing and one does not cancel out the other.

You may both have had problems before and there may have been things in the relationship that needed looking at but he still made a separate choice to step outside the relationship instead of dealing with those problems honestly.

It is very easy after betrayal for the person who cheated to try and spread the damage around so it feels less like their choice and more like the relationship failed equally. But being unhappy is not the same as betraying someone and your decision now is allowed to be about the affair because the affair changed the reality you were living in.

You are not wrong for needing time and you are not wrong for not knowing what you want yet. You were making decisions based on the relationship you thought you had and now you are trying to understand the one that was actually there.

Jb3199 is more-or-less saying what I am thinking, only in a nicer way…
I think you are afraid, and mainly afraid of the unknown. By getting CLEAR and VALID legal advice on how things might go IF this ends in a separation you aren’t terminating the relationship or separating; you are only getting correct info on possible outcomes.

Having a counselor, advocate, social worker or solicitor tell you that yes – you can ask him to leave the house and this is the correct process, or no you can’t but this is what is normally done in these situations, this is his financial responsibility and this is the process to ensure you get it, or these are the resources open to you during some transition period…

All of this empowers you. Do exactly what you are asking us for: gives you options.

I’m pretty certain the relationship is just destined to fail

I'm pretty sure you've realized this before, I'm pretty sure people have said this to you before. I hate to pile on because I do know it's a difficult time, and I also realize that people have to do things on their own personal timeline when they are comfortable in doing so.

But you are just rinsing and repeating. You ask for advice, you get the same advice each time, you come to a conclusion that things are going to change and you say you see the path but you don't take the path. We all have reasons why we don't take the paths that are best for us. Or excuses. Whatever. If you have more bad days than good, what is that saying to you? Is that what you want in life? Life isn't getting longer. Why subject yourself and your kids to this? Wouldn't it be nice to not have to try to figure out what he means or whether it's blame shifting or gaslighting? That life is available to you. I hope you will reach for it.