SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do not associate 'stuck' with either D or R. I associate it with individual's thinking..

IMO, one can D from strength or weakness. One can R from strength or weakness. One can delay a decision to D or R from strength or weakness. 'Strength' and 'weakness' are somewhat fluid in meaning, but I think strength is roughly equivalent to 'taking responsibility for oneself', and weakness is roughly equivalent to 'not taking responsibility for oneself'.

On SI, we often see people on the cusp of changing from not taking responsibility to taking it. Consider a member who posts, 'The A was years ago, but I can't get over it. What do I do?' IMO, that person may be about to change. They'll usually delay, but they are on the way to either consciously/mindfully/purposely accepting their sitch or changing it. They post as stuck, but the act of posting can be a step in getting unstuck. This thread includes story after story from people who got themselves unstuck.

Some people choose to stay stuck. IMO, choosing stuckness is a manifestation of Drama Triangles, but that's just my my opinion. Signs of stuckness include but are not limited to - again IMO - focusing on controlling the outcome, thinking that one size fits all, seeking justness in a fundamentally unjust sitch, making unreasonable demands on oneself or others, thinking in absolutes, rejecting help....

IMO, none of us is healthy all the time, especially while we're dealing with trauma. We all act dysfunctionally some of the time. Even Chaos sometimes forgets she's a BASGU. The thing is: it's not getting down on oneself that leads to staying 'stuck'. It's what one does when one is down on oneself.

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I'm pretty obviously not stuck in infidelity, but I'm certainly stuck in other aspects of life.

Over the last 3 years I've gained most of the weight I lost when I stopped letting my emotions control what I ate. I think that's because I'm back to letting emotions control what I eat. I can't figure out how to regain control of what and when I eat. I'm stuck. I keep going, but not necessarily in the right direction.

IOW, keeping going helps, if one keeps going on a path that will get one to the desired destination.

Any thoughts on the breakdown of such "stuck" people, as they fall into the D or R camp?

Well, this thread quieted down, and I did say that I would engage with this question, so here goes.

This question has immense potential to be a hornets nest, so I’m going to preface this with saying what follows is only my opinion and I fully welcome other people’s opinions. I am also going to make some interpretations of other people’s responses on this thread, and if you feel like I’ve mischaracterized your story, please feel free to push back.

I personally believe that it is possible to stay "stuck" both in R and D, and that it is possible to truly heal in both categories as well. Let’s look at evidence for all four groups: stuck/healed crossed with R/D

D/Healed: I think this is an easy one, many examples on the board of people who have D’d and report being happy and healed. I’d put myself in this category, or at least close on both counts. I could cite many others, I suspect no one is going to push back on this one.

R/Healed: some seem to think this category is unicorn land, but again there are many members in good standing reporting horns and rainbows. Sisoon, hikingout, StillConfused, OldWounds have all weighed in just on this thread (sorry if I missed anyone, just going off memory at the moment). There are many others. No one is going to convince me this is fantasy.

R/Stuck: there are many that I fear fall in this category. Again, I don’t think we need to belabor this category, I don’t think it is controversial. It is a miserable possibility that we witness all too often here. It breaks my fucking heart.

D/Stuck: Gr8ful said:

I can only think of one instance where a BW came back here years later, after D, and is still filled with bitterness and resentment. Not sure if that qualifies as "stuck" since the marriage is long over, and hopefully the bitterness emerges rarely surfaces.

I don’t think I can align with this view of things. On this thread we have Bigger saying that while he swiftly exited the relationship, trauma festered and impacted his next relationship. Our friend AN has divorced but is still suffering from mind movies and struggling with the fallout. For goodness sake, the board got hit with a Christmas post by a (sort of) member that long ago divorced but still seems so consumed by the misery of it all. I also think there is a selection bias at play here: SI is about surviving infidelity, not necessarily navigating the difficulties of divorce and its accompanying loneliness and new struggles. This isn’t where people would come for support, even if the D was infidelity related. I certainly never grew up with a picture of divorcees as the most shiny happy people in the world. I know it devastated my parents for many years. I’ve heard anecdotally that divorced men live shorter lives. So, no, I don’t think divorce is a short cut to a wonderfully healed happy existence.

@OP

I had to prioritize myself above the marriage in order to heal.

This really spoke to me.

I have not been doing this, but my WW has. This was really helpful, thank you for sharing.

This really spoke to me.

I have not been doing this, but my WW has. This was really helpful, thank you for sharing.

I am so so glad that this was meaningful to you. You can learn how to practically implement this. A good IC can help, and this community is incredible.

4characters —

This really spoke to me.

I have not been doing this, but my WW has. This was really helpful, thank you for sharing.

That’s an awesome thing to get from this thread. Prioritizing me over the M and anything else was a key to healing.

I’ll never be glad infidelity happened to me, I can’t imagine ever being happy about being hurt. However, it really did become a chance to reset myself. When you’re at the bottom of a well, emotionally, mentally exhausted, the way up and out was my focus on what I want from this world going forward.

Once I started aiming for all the things that were most important to me, the healing started and everything else eventually fell into place.

I helped to heal my M too. I was able to do that from a position of strength, because it I was going to be great no matter how the M turned out.

I agree- except I think there is another category:

Still married/stuck. My observation is that many of the people who come back years later who are still married are not reconciled. They didn’t know how to approach the process, there was a lot of rugsweeping, and the situation remains unresolved.

I also think in that category you will find the bs has bottled up their feelings to the point they are overwhelmed by their feelings and not sure what to do about it. It feels like they missed an opportunity to address the affair fully and regret that decision.

I would say I’m definitely stuck in infidelity because it’s cracked a huge gaping hole in what I thought was a perfect relationship (ok not perfect but pretty damn good) and I don’t feel silly for loving blindly, that’s how I love everyone only now I hold room for the fact I can’t know everything about someone.

I’m stuck though in this mess because I feel if I was younger I’d had left absolutely. Being 31 I feel like i’ll either meet someone who will treat me even worse than I have been who has their own relationship demons. I feel stuck because I want a family and thought me and partner were on the same page about starting that journey but obviously he was engaged elsewhere. Maybe it’s fear really but I have a gut sense that I won’t meet anyone else or if I do it won’t last long and that’s not what I want for a family. I know he would be a good dad and good co parent if we didn’t survive the long haul.

Unfortunately neither of us are being intentional about this relationship now and talking about these plans etc the reason I’m struggling is because the love isn’t the same as it was now or is gone and I’m struggling to reconnect. I know my issue is with communication and eventually I know I’ll have them but for some reason I’m having a hard time instigating it.

I’m also stuck for feeling sorry for him deeply sorry for the pain he’s carried round inside since he was a child and for the damage he’s caused now and I feel like he’ll be left all alone if we don’t make it work. I know I’m not responsible for him obviously just how I’m feeling about it. I have terrible people pleasing tendencies. I think more of me wants it to work but I’m wondering if I’m trying to fit a square peg on a round hole and forcing something to work that doesn’t. Who knows.

Interesting thread, thanks for starting. It’s good to put it down as a diary entry and get it out.